The 1990s were a simpler time. Shoulder pads were still socially acceptable, millennials did not yet know that they could make zero dollars an hour writing articles on the internet telling the world how great they are and Sally Jesse Raphael still graced our television screens every afternoon. Yes, it was a wonderful time and I am happy to report that it seems as though everything old is new once again. With Space Jam getting a much deserved sequel, reboots of Full House and The X Files in the works and The Limited Too set to reopen its doors next year, and god willing a Clinton in the White House again next year, the 1990s are making a serious comeback. So while we are reliving the vida loca, here are a few other things that Americas should welcome back from the greatest decade to make this world a better place to live in. As if!
1. Slap Bracelets — Kids these days are too soft. It’s time for this cool accessory that also doubles as a weapon to make a return. As far as I am concerned, there is no better fashion statement to make on the playground than cheaply made zebra patterned piece of fabric that also doubles as switchblade.
2. Lip Smackers — Why wouldn’t you want to walk around with you mouth tasting of Dr. Pepper, kettle corn or salted pretzel (yes, that is a real flavor) all day? And nothing says “I love you,” quite like rolling up to your girlfriends house, laying one on her and smelling of cherry cream soda for the remainder of the day.
3. Passing Notes — Kids these days swap text messages in between classes to communicate, but what to do when you need to destroy evidence from parents? Come on guys — notes written on papers are so much easier to destroy than iPhones. And less expensive.
4. Family Matters — Yes, we are all excited that The Tanners are coming back into our lives next years, but can’t we throw the Winslow’s a bone? I would love to know what Carl and the gang are up to these days and if they ever found their youngest daughter who mysteriously disappeared without a trace.
5. Spice Girls — This needs no explanation.
6. Beanie Babies — I personally would like to bring these back because after years of collecting and hoarding them and thinking they were going to appreciate in value, it turns out they aren’t worth shit.
7. Lisa Frank — The unsung hero of gay pride. Everything was a rainbow with this woman — unicorns, dolphins, princesses, kitty cats. Time to make your way back to the forefront, girl. The world could use a few more rainbow hummingbird lunch boxes is in it.
8. The Macarena — The Bar Mitzvah circuit has not been the same since this song went out of style. Because nothing says: “Mazol Tov Jordan Abromowitz” quite like watching your over weight middle aged aunt who’s in a dress two sizes too small trying to navigate her way through the world’s least complicated dance moves.
9. Frosted Tips — You know what I’m talking about, all of the members of N*SYNC. I loved my frosted tips and (not-so-secretly) wish they’d be in style again in places outside of Alabama. They were like a yellow ray of hope in an otherwise dishwater brown mess of a mane.
10. Dunk-a-roos — What a messed up world we live in where a kid can’t go to school, eat his or her lunch and top it off with a delicious snack that consists of a cookie that you dip in icing. What is this? Communist Russia?
11. Jonathan Taylor Thomas — my beloved, where have you gone? Was the local chapter of the fan club I started for you not enough? Come back to us. We will embrace you as we did before and make you an even bigger, brighter star.
12. Pogs — Kids these days are so lucky that they have so many options when it comes to play time. I say, bring the circular, cardboard cut-out dishes that cost a shocking amount of money back to toy stores. They teach you things like … how to count? I don’t actually know what they were for but I loved them and would gladly welcome them back into my house (psyche-out, I still have all of mine from middle school!)
13. The Mickey Mouse Club — While Disney still churns out the stars as quickly as one of the Kardashian girls has a pregnancy scare, nothing will top the 1990s revival of The Mickey Mouse Club that brought Britney Spears, Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake and many others into the world. But NOT Jessica Simpson. You lose Jessica Simpson.
14. Mall Madness — a game that it supposed to teach you how devastating credit card debt can be which was a lesson that clearly didn’t resonate with me or my gambling addiction.
15. The Babysitter’s Club — Ann M. Martin, where art thou? This series of books taught every young girl (and closeted gay kid) the value of opening a small business, the trials of tribulations of having a friend with diabetes, how to gloss over your friend (Claudia — I’m looking at you) being a slut but being able to see the best in her and how to include your frumpy and kind of ugly friend (Mallory) without making her feel left out. These a lessons every 2015 child needs too, damn it!
16. Taylor Dayne — It’s my opinion that global warming with reverse its course, ISIS will throw down their weapons and Greece’s economy will bounce back if the world was given one more Diane Warren penned power ballad that included a sexy saxophone solo sung by Taylor Dayne.
17. Carmen San Diego — How in the hell are children supposed to know where things are these days? By reading? Please! I would have no idea where Tierra del Fuego was if it weren’t for this fedora wearing, trench coat loving renegade.
18. Tetris — I wouldn’t know how to move furniture into a truck without this game and no one who as ever helped me move who is under the age of twenty-five knows how to either which is reason enough to bring this gem back.
19. Gushers — When I was a fat kid growing up, Gushers were the only “fruit” I consumed. They were not only delicious, but because they tasted like strawberries, grapes and kiwis, they were nutritious too!
20. The Oregon Trail — not sure what this computer game was supposed to teach you, but had I not played it as a child, I would have never known what dysentery was or that I could die from it at any moment and without warning.
21. Ricky Martin’s Career — Those two magical years we spent together were years I will never forget, Ricky. We thought you were in it for the long haul after you ushered Latin pop music into America. Now we’re just somehow stuck with Pitbull.
22. MTV — It’s called “Music Television” not “Shows About Unwed Mothers Having Babies Television.” Remember waiting all day by the television to see the “Oops… I Did It Again” music video on TRL and then taping it on a VHS and playing it over and over again so that you could learn the dance moves and be just like Britney? Well, I do.
23. Models, Inc. — 90210 got a revival. Melrose Place got a revival. When’s it going to be Models, Inc‘s turn? Nothing is more entertaining than a bunch of models and their super hot photographer boyfriends sleeping around and occasionally shooting each other for no reason. I know, the cheese stands alone on this one, but at the rate the entertainment industry is going we are bound for a Models Inc. 2.0 eventually.
24. Slang — “Talk to the hand cause the face a’int listening” could very well make its way into present day vernacular, with a few tweaks of course. “Talk to the hand bae, cause your basic face a’int on fleek.” Or something to that affect. Meanwhile, I still says things are “da bomb” likes it’s 1996.
And finally #25 — someone needs to find a way to bring Jonathan Brandis back from the dead IMMEDIATELY! #seaQUEST4LIFE.
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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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