Call

Hi, this is a message for Dr. Amy. I’m calling to possibly set up a session. Basically, I’m hoping to find myself happy and stable in a relationship, and your website says you’ve taken thousands of people from no relationship to relationship, so I thought maybe we should meet, as long as I’m in L.A for a bit. Also, I totally agree where you say we never see real change if we’re staying in our comfort zone. I’m always a little uncomfortable, so real change may be just a few minor discomforts away! Ha ha. Ok. My number is 917-444-4444. My name is Nora. Thanks.

***

Hi, Dr. Amy? You’re there! Did you get my message? Great! I called again to add just one more thing. but since I have you, can we talk for like 2 minutes? I have a question about one of the affirmations on your website.

The one where “I accept myself unconditionally, right now.” I tried it last night and it felt weird. Can I do it with you on the phone now, to make sure I’m doing it right?

Ok, good, I’m just going to do it now, ok? I’m going to accept myself unconditionally, right now.

Ok, right now. Ready?

Ok. Ready?

I accept myself unconditionally, right now.

How was that, was that right?

Ok, no, I’m just kidding, Dr. Amy. I know what unconditional means. I know there’s no right or wrong with that one. I’m just having a little fun. Do you think we could work together on the relationship thing?

Homework! Let me write this down.

What was my longest relationship?

What do I believe I’ll receive from my ideal relationship?

Can I clarify the question about my longest relationship? Because I know that a lot of couples stay together for years and don’t have sex, so I’ve definitely been in those kinds. We’d start off sort of dating, with some physical intimacy, and then we’d start hanging out every month or so on someone’s sofa watching TV. Sometimes with a sleepover, and maybe a little fooling around. And we text to say hi when someone’s on vacation or something.

That doesn’t count? What about when a guy comes over every few weeks, or months, and the sexual charge stays pretty strong for a few years?

No? What about guys I’ve hung out with regularly for months and slept with maybe once a week, ish, and we were nice to each other.

Ok, then what exactly do you mean by relationship?

Ok, what do you mean by boundaries?

Then it’s just one, 14 years ago.

Wait, two, if you count Carlton, in high school.

Oh: Scott. Percussionist. College.

Wait, four, Andy, at the bagel store I worked in.

Sure, I’d say they lasted about one year.

No, that’s the total time for all of those together if you add them up. But the longest contiguous one was the one from 14 years ago. We definitely had boundaries. Like, if one of us had to use the bathroom in the morning, the other would go out to get coffee or groceries. Even though the apartment had 2 full baths. But we had sex, it was stable, and went for like 4 months until the first breakup.

Absolutely, you can call me back. Ten minutes? Ok.

***

Hi, Dr. Amy? It’s Nora. It’s been about 15, so I thought I’d call. I’m thinking I won’t really need therapy. I just haven’t found the right guy yet.

Fine. Then it’s all emanating from me, I’m a slave to my subconscious fears, and there’s no point in working with you then, right? Just kidding. We should set up a session.

Biggest fear?

I have two, off the top of my head. The first is that the minute I say I want something, it’ll be taken from me. The second is that I’ll be bound to a man who doesn’t love me enough and who makes me feel lonely and empty every time we have sex.

You’re writing that down? Is that a diagnosis? No, don’t tell me.

Interesting. Maybe you’re right, maybe I’d do well with a long distance relationship. Or with, how’d you just put it, someone who doesn’t require a lot of my energy or attention?

But I want to live with someone, Dr. Amy. I bond quickly. I can’t even say goodbye to a girlfriend after dinner without feeling sad. And it always seems like just when I’m starting to relax, we have to say goodbye. But then sometimes it’s such a relief to be alone, so I can hear my own thoughts and not get all rattled with other peoples’ needs and quirks. But then, I really wanna be married, because I’ve always dreamed of having one of those passionate affairs with someone who’s also in a stable, comfortable marriage. Kidding again! Can I call you right back? I wanna check this text for a second, if it’s from Tony.

Ok, really quickly: I met him my first week in L.A. at a happy hour at the Parq Bar at the Montage Hotel.

Fair enough. A hotel bar in a city I don’t plan to live in for a long time is not the best bet for finding a long-term relationship. In my defense, I went for the free jazz, and Tony showed up for the happy hour fish tacos.

Yes, I had a therapist, about 15 years ago for a few years. It helped.

Yes, I agree. I’m making choices that are leaving me bereft and preventing me from achieving a gratifying, trusting, loving relationship.

Yes, I do want a real relationship before the end of my life.

Yes, I’m free tomorrow at 12 or 1, whichever is better for you.

Ok, let’s do 12. Thank you for your time. See you tomorrow.

***

Hi Dr. Amy, this is Nora again. Please call me when you get the chance. I just realized I’m not free tomorrow at 12 or 1. I’m getting a bikini wax. I’m overdue. We can reschedule for any other time this week. Thanks. It’s Nora.

***

Hello? Yes, this is Nora. Hi Greg, yes, I left Dr. Amy a message about rescheduling.

Friday at 2 is perfect. Can I just leave a message with you to give to her? It’s about Tony. Some background, so we don’t waste time in the session on Friday?

Sure, just the basics. Tony is 6’3.” He’s a strapping, Latino radiologist, in his early thirties.

Yes, well, he sounds yummy, Greg, because he’s yummy. That’s why I waited through 5 weeks of scattered text messages to make a date for dinner last Thursday.

Sushi.

On Beverly Drive, maybe? I can’t remember the name. But can you tell Dr. Amy that Tony paid for the sushi and the valet parking, and he also took me on the Julia Roberts walk on Rodeo Drive, and that it doesn’t matter to me that he doesn’t distinguish in text messages between y-o-u-r and y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e. And I’m not ashamed of the blowjob in my car in the garage below my apartment building. I haven’t given one in ages, it seemed good to break the spell.

Thank you for understanding.

Yes, he texted the next day, we made a plan for Sunday, yesterday, and then I woke up yesterday with a pot brownie hangover, and also I could suddenly see clearly all the things I want in life, because I don’t have any of them –

You think it’s the brownie? I got it at a dispensary on Melrose that gets good Yelp reviews. They also had peach pound cake.

Oh! Rice Krispee treats sound great. Maybe that would make a difference. So I texted Tony yesterday morning to see what time he’d be over, and then I called a few hours later, and when he didn’t return my text or voice mail, that led to some crying and feeling like I was falling into a bottomless upside down sky with no one around to hear me cry out, and that’s when I found Dr. Amy’s stuff online.

Thank you, Greg. You got all of that? Ok, thanks.

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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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