The Bachelorette Finale: Who’s Engaged and Who’s Completely and Totally Devastated?

The Bachelorette, Finale, Becca KufrinLadies and gentlemen, Becca Kufrin is finally engaged. In public!
Sure, there’s a lot to work through before we can call this a happily ever after, including some very problematic…


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11 Completely True Things They Don’t Want You To Know About The Human Body

11 Completely True Things They Don't Want You To Know About The Human Body

11 Completely True Things They Don't …
#2. Kidneys are just the children of adult knees.
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Kendall Jenner Wears Completely See-Through Dress at Cannes

Kendall Jenner went from being barely covered in a bathing suit earlier in the day to practically naked walking a red carpet at Cannes. Kendall required a mandatory double take in her sheer dress at the Chopard Secret Night party … she arrived with…

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Oliver Hudson Is Completely Unrecognizable In His Old Headshot

Oliver Hudson legitimately looks like another person in his headshot in honor of #OldHeadshotDay!


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Overly Excited Tourist Goes Completely Nuts In New Orleans

Overly Excited Tourist Goes Completely Nuts In New Orleans

Overly Excited Tourist Goes Completel… 2:16
Ryan tries to see the first boobs of his whole entire life in New Orleans.
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Trump Supporters Flip Out After Completely Misreading NPR Headline

That sure took an unexpected turn.
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Kathy Griffin ‘Completely Exonerated’ After Secret Service Investigation

The comedian was criticized following an insensitive Trump photo shoot.
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23 Times Grooms Were Totally, Completely Overcome With Emotion

Sometimes, a facial expression says more than words ever could.

The genuine reactions captured in the wedding photos below speak volumes about the love these couples share. 

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Glen Rice Jr. 911 — ‘He’s Completely Soaked In Blood’

[[tmz:video id=”0_9x917fv2″]] TMZ Sports has obtained the dramatic 911 call made after Glen Rice Jr. was shot Sunday — in which the caller says he personally witnessed Rice try to ditch a handgun while “leaking” blood.   The caller is VERY…

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Khloé Kardashian “Completely Inconsolable,” Family Flying to Las Vegas After Lamar Odom Is Found Unconscious

Khloé Kardashian is understandably emotional after learning the news that Lamar Odom was found unconscious in a brothel in Nevada.

On Tuesday afternoon, the former Los Angeles…


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That Voodoo: 9 Times Laura & Gloria Govan Saw Men Go Completely Insane Over Them

VH1 Basketball Wives stars Laura and Gloria Govan have been blessed with the genes to have any man they want and cursed to live the life that typically comes along with it.

If you think Matt Barnes’ recent attack on Derek Fisher is as crazy as it gets, we ask you to relive these viral moments in the reality stars’ lives that give the incident a 95-mile drive for its money.

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10 Ways Lifetime’s Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story Completely Let Us Down

Oh, Aaron Spelling, you didn’t deserve this. And on the eve of the Beverly Hills, 90210’s 25th anniversary, no less.

Lifetime’s latest attempt at destroying our TV nostalgia,…


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How I Reconcile Feeling OK About Myself With Completely Loving Makeup

My makeup wearing habits aren’t actually so deep or complex. I love to wear it sometimes, but I feel absolutely fine without it, too. When I do wear makeup, it’s not in an attempt to “fix” or “cover” things, but more of embodying different characters, or experimenting with different “vibes.” One of the most reassuring things I’ve been told was by my very clever academic aunt, who said my relationship to “all that stuff” was “extremely healthy.” But I do worry that my love for all things cosmetic can’t be doing such great things for my brain. How can I be an interesting, clever and all around top girl if, secretly, my biggest interest is coloring in my lips?

What worries me about constantly writing and thinking about makeup is that a lot of women are using makeup not to feel amazing, but to feel acceptable. As soon as doing this bizarre, gross thing ceases to make you feel excited and powerful, and starts to be needed to make you feel normal, that’s where we have a problem. I can’t see an issue reconciling wearing makeup with being a feminist: I am, in fact, over that whole debate. I think everybody should be able to make herself look exactly how they want to — I believe that is a very positive thing, in fact. But I don’t like the waters to get muddied with negativity and insecurity. I don’t like anyone telling anyone that they have to do anything. In this case, it’s the women ruling a dictatorship over themselves, which is really depressing. You need to be on your own side, or who else is going to be?

The way I reconcile naked-me with made-up-me is wearing makeup in a way which doesn’t make me feel like a total p.o.s. when I remove it. That is a one way ticket to not being at peace with your bare naked face, which is going to make you feel distinctly un-amazing at least half of your life. Don’t feel things need to be “fixed” with makeup. Don’t try to change the fundamentals of your face in a way which will be psychologically damaging when they have to be cleansed off every day. By all means make your face look like how you want your face to look, but keep the language distinct in your head: this is not how your face “should” look. And if you’re doing it for any reason outside of pleasing yourself, then that’s a red flag.

I know I’m almost certainly over-intellectualizing it. For most people, makeup is probably an automatic, even meditative process that they just do and don’t even think about. That’s fine, and I bet the thoughts they have for the rest of the day are no less valuable because of the fact they’re coming out of a head which is covered in makeup. I just can’t help thinking about it. Why am I finding certain aesthetics appealing? Is it all me or is it society tricking me? I don’t want anything I say to make anyone else feel bad about themselves, even if what I’m saying is as fatuous as “wearing grey lipstick is cool.” The balance between being a makeup obsessive, a feminist, an anxious person, a confident person is hard to strike, but I think I’m getting pretty ok at it.

My cousin, aged 4, came downstairs to tell her mother she was very beautiful that day. Her mother asked who had told her so, and she replied, “The mirror.” Why this would be a ridiculous thing for a grown woman to say is stupid to me. If you’re doing things to change your face, you should certainly be allowed to admit that you like the way it is making your face look. You should be allowed to do exactly what you want to your face, but try to make sure what you want is truly coming from you. The mirror should be telling you you’re beautiful every day, with all of the obliviousness and naiveté of a 4-year-old.

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Completely Well (1998 Reissue) – B.B. King

B.B. King - Completely Well (1998 Reissue)  artwork

Completely Well (1998 Reissue)

B.B. King

Genre: Blues

Price: $ 5.99

Release Date: December 31, 1968

© ℗ 1969 UMG Recordings, Inc.

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14 Times When Life Completely Imitated The Onion

Reality continues to brazenly rip off The Onion.

On Quora, the social question-and-answer site, a user asked: “What are some The Onion articles that turned out to be prescient?” We’ve rounded up some of the best responses, and added more of our own. (Submit yours here.)

* * *

The Onion, January 16, 2012

‘Arby’s Now Charging $ 2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef’

Image from The Onion:

The Washington Post, August 24, 2014

‘The $ 10 ‘Meat Mountain’ from Arby’s: It’s exactly what it sounds like.’

Arby’s faced a key problem as it moved to attract customers: People thought the restaurant served mainly roast beef. To change that, the company made this poster showing a tall stack of every meat on the menu, from bacon to brisket.

And then something unexpected happened.

“People started coming in and asking, ‘Can I have that?’” said Christopher Fuller, the company’s vice president of brand and corporate communications. So Arby’s began granting their wish.

Image from Arby’s poster:

The Onion, April 20, 2009

‘More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas’

The Next Web, January 16, 2013

‘Verizon finds US developer outsourced his job to China so he could surf Reddit and watch cat videos’

The Onion, May 22, 2006

‘Insecure Brian Williams Only One Who Doesn’t Trust Brian Williams For Latest News’

Although he is the most watched and widely recognized newscaster on American network television, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams continues to be plagued with crippling self-doubt, admitting Monday that he would look to “just about anyone else” for in-depth analysis of the latest national and international news before himself.

CBS News, June 18, 2015

NBC said Thursday that Brian Williams will not return to his job as “Nightly News” anchor following his suspension for misrepresenting himself… Williams said he was sorry for saying things that weren’t true, apologized to colleagues and viewers, and said that “I’m determined to earn back their trust.”

brian williams

The Onion, July 1, 2008

‘Sources Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013’

Miley at the 2013 MTV VMAs

The Onion, March 21, 2011

‘CIA’s ‘Facebook’ Program Dramatically Cut Agency’s Costs’

The Guardian, June 6, 2013

The National Security Agency has obtained direct access to the systems of Google, Facebook, Apple and other US internet giants, according to a top secret document obtained by the Guardian.

The NSA access is part of a previously undisclosed program called Prism, which allows officials to collect material including search history, the content of emails, file transfers and live chats, the document says.

The Onion, January 26, 2000

‘Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible’

Larry Wisniewski, a 36-year-old Columbus-area office manager, turns to the Internet for information whenever humanly possible.

“Are you trying to find out what time Angela’s Ashes is playing at Crosswoods Marcus Cinema?” Wisniewski asked his wife Pamela, noticing her looking through The Columbus Dispatch’s movie listings. “I can log on to the Dispatch’s web site and check it in a flash.”

“Now that my household is hooked up to the Internet, nothing is out of reach,” Wisniewski said.

Everywhere, all the time:

The Onion, August 23, 2012

‘Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting | UPDATE: Never Mind’

Cheers filled the streets and American flags waved triumphantly through the air today as the nation turned out in full force to celebrate an entire week having passed since the last time a madman opened fire on innocent civilians in some kind of fatal mass shooting.

Mass Shooting Tracker:

In 2013, there were 363 shootings in the U.S. that injured or killed multiple people — about 7 per week, on average. In 2014, the number was 283 mass shootings.

The Onion, January 17, 2001

‘Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over”

Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”

The Huffington Post, December 1, 2008

‘Bush: ‘I Was Unprepared For War,’ ‘I’m Sorry’ For The Economic Crisis’

georgebush2006_original

The Onion, November 5, 2013

‘Overstock.com Announces Plans To Develop Original Programming’

In a broad push to offer new content to the website’s millions of customers, executives from online retailer Overstock.com officially announced plans Tuesday to develop a slate of original online programming.

Hollywood Reporter, February 20, 2015

‘Overstock.com Taking On Amazon With VOD, Streaming Services’

Overstock.com, which says it is second only to Amazon in retail sales on the Web, plans to launch VOD and streaming services, it was announced Tuesday at NATPE by company CEO Patrick M. Byrne.

The plan is to launch a video-on-demand service by mid-2015 with about 30,000 titles and then start a streaming service with both acquired content and originals.

The Onion, May 29, 1993

‘Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation On Rush Limbaugh Radio Show’

Media Matters, May 5, 2009

‘Rush Limbaugh lists Joe the Plumber as someone who can ‘articulate conservatism”

The Onion, May 26, 1999

‘8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights’

Gun owners nationwide are applauding the patriotic, though accidental, exercise of Second Amendment rights by 8-year-old Timothy Cummings Tuesday.

“Timothy is a symbol of American heroism,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre from Cummings’ bedside at Norfolk General Hospital, where the boy is in serious but stable condition from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. “While praying for his recovery, we should all thank God that his inalienable right to keep and bear arms has not been infringed.”

New York Daily News, May 1, 2013

A Kentucky toddler was accidentally shot dead by her own brother as he played with a gun he’d been given as a gift, police said.

Adorable Caroline Sparks, 2, was killed after her 5-year-old sibling fired the .22-caliber rifle at their Burkesville home at 1 p.m. Tuesday. […]

The Lexington Herald-Leader reports the weapon — a Crickett branded by makers Keystone Sporting Arms as “My First Rifle” — was given to the little boy last year.

The Onion, February 18, 2004

Gillette CEO: ‘Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades’

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.

CNN, September 14, 2005

Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.

The Onion, March 31, 2008

‘9/11 Conspiracy Theories ‘Ridiculous,’ Al Qaeda Says’

The New York Times, September 28, 2011

‘Stop the Conspiracy Theories, Al Qaeda Tells Iranian Leader’

Al Qaeda has a message for President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran: enough with the conspiracy theories about Sept. 11.

The latest issue of the terror group’s English-language magazine, Inspire, lashed out at the Iranian president for indulging in the claim that the American government — and not Al Qaeda — was responsible for the attack.

The Onion, March 26, 2013

‘Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: ‘Sure, Who Cares”

Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and that the court could “care less who marries whom.”

Wall Street Journal, June 26, 2015

‘Supreme Court Rules Gay Marriage Is a Nationwide Right’

gay marriage stories

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Completely Normal – Tom Segura

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Completely Normal

Tom Segura

Genre: Concert Films

Price: $ 12.99

Release Date: June 17, 2014


Levelheaded stand-up Tom Segura shares offhand appraisals on hotels and opens up about his hobbies and digestive ailments in this comedy special.

© © 2014 New Wave Dynamics

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Lady Gaga Flashes Silver Pasties and Granny Panties in Completely See-Through Outfit—Take a Look!

Lady GagaOh, Lady Gaga, you never fail to surprise us.

Mother Monster is known for her bizarre and out there fashion, and yet, whenever we see Gaga strutting something new, we still gasp at just…


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Apartment Completely Flooded With Disgusting Sunlight

CHICAGO—Expressing revulsion while surveying the sudden deluge of brightness, local sales clerk Adam Grant told reporters Tuesday that his apartment was completely flooded with disgusting sunlight.




The Onion

The Tragically Hip – Fully Completely – UMC

Reissue for Canadian rockers breakthrough third album. Ontario’s The Tragically Hip first came to the attention of many UK music fans with a cracking
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Indie Band Exploits Spotify's Payment System With Completely Silent Album

Sometimes, silence really is golden.

At least that was the case for the Ann Arbor, Michigan-based indie funk band Vulfpeck, which used a 10-song album called “Sleepify” composed entirely of silence to rake in an estimated $ 30,000 from Spotify for streaming royalties. That is, until Spotify decided to silence the silence.

For Vulfpeck, “Sleepify” was one part troll-esque marketing stunt, one part organic crowdfunding scheme. In March, Vulfpeck put “Sleepify” on Spotify and released a video with keyboardist Jack Stratton, who had a plea for fans: Stream this album of silence over and over while you sleep, and we will use the money Spotify pays us to fund a free tour. Considering a Spotify song only needs to be played for at least 30 seconds to register as a play, the 10 songs on “Sleepify” titled “Z” through “Zzzzzzzzzz,” are all 31 or 32 seconds long.

At first, Spotify seemed to appreciate the savvy workaround by Vulfpeck. “This is a clever stunt, but we prefer Vulpeck’s earlier albums,” Spotify spokesman Graham James told Billboard in March. But by April, Spotify issued the band a takedown notice for a terms-of-service violation. This week, the streaming service took the album down completely.

In response to the initial takedown notice, Vulfpeck released an album on Spotify titled “Official Statement,” featuring a statement doused in reverb and delay, a track that’s 31 seconds of silence and a 32-second keyboard instrumental.

You can listen to the band’s “Official Statement” below in “#Hurt.”


But even though the album eventually got pulled off the airwaves, “Sleepify” brought attention both to Vulfpeck’s actual work and to how Spotify’s payment system works. The stunt highlights the occasionally contentious relationship between indie labels, artists and streaming services when it comes to how to work out compensation. Indeed, inspired by Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke pulling the catalog of his Atoms for Piece side project from Spotify, several indie labels told HuffPost in July that they would support their artists if they were to boycott the service.

“They’ve set up this economy where they get 30 percent and [content owners] get 70 percent,” Vulfpeck’s Stratton said to Billboard. “And surprise, the payout is very low.” He told Billboard he estimates the payout for the silent album will be about $ 30,000 based on the 5.4 million streams for “Sleepify” and what the band’s made in previous payouts. However, Stratton told Gawker the band hasn’t technically been paid yet.

“Spotify pays two months after the listen. So we’ll know in May sometime,” he said.

[H/T On The Media]
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