Mel B Opens Up About Her Suicide Attempt, Drug Use and Divorce in Brutally Honest Memoir

Melanie Brown, Brutally HonestMel B shares very personal details about her life in her new memoir, Brutally Honest.
In the book, the 43-year-old Spice Girls star opens up about everything from her suicide attempt at…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Chris Pratt & Anna Faris Reach Divorce Settlement: How They’re Putting Their Son Jack First

Chris Pratt and
Anna Faris are putting parenthood first.


Access Hollywood Latest News

Jenna Dewan Files For Divorce From Channing Tatum 6 Months After Announcing Separation

Jenna Dewan has officially filed for divorce from ex Channing Tatum nearly seven months after the pair announced their separation.


Access Hollywood Latest News

Slash’s Ex-Wife Perla Throws Massive Divorce Party with Tasty Parting Shot

Slash’s divorce from his longtime wife Perla got so nasty, she threw a DIVORCE PARTY to celebrate the death of their marriage … complete with an anti-Slash cake!! It all went down at Perla’s L.A. home on Saturday night — where everyone was encouraged…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Party All The Time


Stone Temple Pilots’ Dean DeLeo’s Divorce Case Gets Nastier

Dean DeLeo — guitarist for the rock band Stone Temple Pilots — is clapping back at his estranged wife who has accused him of being a violent alcoholic … saying she’s trying to smear him the way she did her ex. Dean filed new legal docs in his divorce…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


Slash Says He’ll Help Perla If She Agrees to Divorce Deal, She Says It Ain’t So Easy

4:41 PM PT — Perla’s attorney, Marty Singer, tells us unlike what Slash may think, ending the marriage won’t be that easy. Singer says, “Slash is well aware of the significant claims that have been made by Perla as to why the divorce documents cannot be…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


Angelina Jolie Making Divorce So Hostile Her Lawyer is Quitting

Angelina Jolie is fighting Brad Pitt so hard and nasty in their divorce and child custody dispute, her lawyer is quitting her … sources tell TMZ. Sources familiar with the matter say Angelina has been out for blood. As one source connected to Brad…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


Eli Roth Says His Divorce is Totally Amicable and His DMs are Blowing Up

[[tmz:video id=”0_obrm5yc8″]] Eli Roth says he’s going through the easiest, friendliest divorce of all time … and single life’s not treating him bad either. We got the famed director leaving Il Pastaio in Bev Hills Tuesday — just hours after news…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


Disso Queen Laura Wasser Says You Can Divorce Yourself with Her Website

[[tmz:video id=”0_nvrg8g3c”]] Laura Wasser knows better than anyone that getting divorced is a costly bitch … but, thankfully the disso queen’s got ya covered. We got Laura — one of the most prominent divorce lawyers in America — outside the…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


Stone Temple Pilots Guitarist Dean DeLeo’s Wife Files for Divorce, Alleges Abuse

Dean DeLeo — guitarist for the rock band, Stone Temple Pilots — is heading for divorce … and his wife claims he’s an abusive, drunken mess who makes her fear for the lives of her and their daughter. According to the legal docs … Jenn DeLeo filed…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


Kate Spade Depressed Before Suicide Because Husband Wanted a Divorce

Kate Spade was extremely depressed in her last days of life, because her husband wanted a divorce … law enforcement sources tell TMZ. We’ve learned Andy Spade was not living at the family home … he and Kate had separated and he was living in a nearby…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Fashion


Frances Bean Cobain Finalizes Divorce From Isaiah Silva, Loses Father’s Iconic Guitar

Frances Bean CobainUPDATE: Over two years after filing for divorce, Frances Bean Cobain has officially finalized her divorce her estranged husband Isaiah Silva, E! News can confirm.
While the divorce may…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Kendra Wilkinson Says She Needs a “Little Kick in the Ass” After Hank Baskett Divorce

Kendra Wilkinson-BaskettKendra Wilkinson is taking things one day at a time.
Close to one month after filing for divorce from Hank Baskett, the former Girls Next Door star took to Instagram to update fans on how…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Jenna Dewan Handles Ellen DeGeneres’ Divorce Flub Like A Total Pro

DeGeneres told the dancer she was “so sorry” for the mistake.
Entertainment – Latest News, Photos And Videos
Entertainment News-Visit Adults Playland today for the hottest adult entertainment online!

Hot Tip Alert!

Click here for more.

Brooke Burke Wears Hot Leather Outfit at Coachella a Week After Divorce News

Brooke Burke’s leathering the storm of her pending divorce from David Charvet … by arriving at Coachella in an outfit that’s fit to make him eat his heart out. Brooke entered the festival grounds Friday afternoon in a sexy all-black and leather getup…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Fashion


Brooke Burke-Charvet Files For Divorce From Husband David Charvet After Nearly 7 Years Of Marriage

Brooke Burke-Charvet and her husband, former “Baywatch” actor David Charvet, are officially calling it quits. According to legal documents obtained by Access, the “Dancing with the Stars” alum submitted her divorce petition on Friday, a few months after the couple’s January separation.


Access Hollywood Latest Videos

Ryan Reynolds Jokes About Divorce Rumors — Again — With Help From His Mom

“We’re never splitting.”
Entertainment – Latest News, Photos And Videos
Entertainment News-Visit Adults Playland today for the hottest adult entertainment online!

Hot Tip Alert!

Click here for more.

Donald Trump Jr.’s Wife Vanessa Trump Files For Divorce After 12 Years Of Marriage

It’s over! Donald Trump Jr. and his wife Vanessa have split after 12 years of marriage. Vanessa reportedly filed papers in Manhattan on Thursday and is seeking an uncontested divorce. The former couple told Page Six in a joint statement that they “will always have tremendous respect for each other” and that their five children “remain our top priority.”


Access Hollywood Latest Videos

Eric Dane Sports New Blonde Hairdo in Wake of Divorce Filing with Rebecca Gayheart

Eric Dane might be having a major blonde moment in the wake of him and his wife filing for divorce — that, or he’s just really feeling himself … we’re not sure.  The “Grey’s Anatomy” star was spotted rockin’ a brand new ‘do Tuesday in WeHo…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Fashion


Rebecca Gayheart Photographed for the First Time After Filing for Divorce From Eric Dane

Rebecca GayheartRebecca Gayheart was spotted out for the first time today after filing for her divorce from Eric Dane.
The 46-year-old actress was photographed arriving at a friend’s house in Los…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Snooki’s Husband Jionni LaValle Sets the Record Straight on Divorce Rumors

Nicole Polizzi, Jionni LaValle, WeddingDon’t worry pop culture fans! This couple is staying Jersey Strong.
Despite a few tabloid headlines claiming Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jionni LaValle’s marriage is on…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

The Ball family-UCLA divorce you knew was coming

The Ball family and UCLA weren’t built for the long haul. This was supposed to be a three-season relationship, a Lonzo-LiAngelo-LaMelo succession of one-and-done, with LaVar shouting the entire time. But now, it appears over. And it’s going to be messy.
www.espn.com – TOP
SuperStarTickets

‘The Orville’ Star Scott Grimes’ Wife Files for Divorce

Actor Scott Grimes may get laughs on “The Orville,” but there’s nothing comedic about his wife’s new project — she’s filing for divorce … TMZ has learned.  Megan Grimes filed legal divorce docs Friday after 5 years and 10 months of…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


This Marital Behavior Is Not Only Annoying, It’s A Sign You Might Divorce

Experts say it’s one of four major red flags that a marriage won’t last.
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

Audrina Patridge Dodging Divorce Drama at Mom and Dad’s House

Audrina Patridge is retreating to the comforts of home — not hers, but her parents’ — while her nasty divorce from Corey Bohan plays out. We got these pics of Audrina unloading a bunch of stuff at Mom and Dad’s crib in Orange County — and it…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


This Marital Behavior Is Not Only Annoying, It’s A Sign You Might Divorce

Experts say it’s one of four major red flags that a marriage won’t last.
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

Jennifer Lawrence Was ‘Shocked’ & ‘Horrified’ By Luann De Lesseps’ Divorce

Jennifer Lawrence was on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” and shared how she reacted when she found out “RHONY” star Luann de Lesseps was getting divorce!


Access Hollywood Latest Videos

What We Can Learn From Brad And Angelina About Reconciling After A Divorce Filing

In what has become one of Hollywood’s most talked about divorces, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt are again making headlines
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

Mel B, Stephen Belafonte, First Face-off Since Divorce Filed

[[tmz:video id=”0_0sjk1est”]] Stephen Belafonte just walked into an L.A. courtroom and nervously trained his eyes on a woman who now claims he brutalized her and threatened to destroy her life — Mel B. It was a short, tense face-off as the estranged…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


What We Can Learn From Brad And Angelina About Reconciling After A Divorce Filing

In what has become one of Hollywood’s most talked about divorces, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt are again making headlines
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

6 Prevalent Myths You’ll Hear About Divorce

As with most subjects, there are lots of people who are willing to give you a lot of advice when you announce you are going
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

Divorcing Your Old Self: How To Attract Joy Into Your Life After Divorce

If you feel as though you are in a downward spiral as a result of your divorce, you’re not alone. Whether you finalized your
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

Casey Affleck’s Wife Summer Phoenix Files For Divorce

Actor Casey Affleck’s wife has filed for divorce more than a year after the couple announced their separation.


Access Hollywood Latest News

Nasty Gal Founder/#Girlboss Author’s Divorce Final

Nasty Gal founder Sophia Amoruso is officially single again, and it hardly cost her anything. We’ve learned a judge just granted her a divorce from Joel Jarek DeGraff. The couple was only married for a year, and they had an ironclad prenup before…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Fashion


‘Hot Convict’ Jeremy Meeks’ Wife Says She’s Filing For Divorce

Jeremy Meeks was photographed kissing and cuddling Topshop heiress Chloe Green last week.
Divorce

Need to File for a Divorce!

Ben Affleck Is Dating Lindsay Shookus: Everything We Know About His First Romance Since His Divorce From Jennifer Garner

Ben Affleck, Lindsay ShookusBen Affleck is finally moving on.
The 44-year-old Oscar-winning actor is dating Saturday Night Live producer Lindsay Shookus, E! News confirmed on Thursday. This is Affleck’s first…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Ben Affleck Dating Saturday Night Live Producer Lindsay Shookus 3 Months After Jennifer Garner Divorce

Ben Affleck, Lindsay ShookusBen Affleck has a new lady in his life, E! News has learned.
The Oscar-winning actor is dating Lindsay Shookus, a producer at Saturday Night Live.
A source tells us that the two…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

What People Wish They Knew About Divorce after Decades Together

When we plan our wedding, when we stand on the alter and say “I do,” and perhaps for many years after, we can’t imagine our life without our chosen partner. While some people only have a short time together before they divorce, there are the couples who have decades together before they decide that divorce is the only option.

This may be after numerous attempts at couple’s therapy, many years of a strained relationship, or even comes as a complete blindside to one of the partners. While this process may be exceptionally confusing and painful, there are some facts that many people wish they knew while going through the process and in the time after the divorce. These are the things that people wish they knew before, or while going through the process, that would have made the experience easier than it was. These tidbits would have made many realize that things were not as dire and permanent as they may have felt.

What are some of these things? You may not be able to live in the same place that you have lived for years, and you may need to adjust your standard of living. This may sound awful, but it does not have to be. When we think back at what we were able to live on, and the contentment we experienced with much less than we have now, we are able to realize that the adjustment may not be as bad as we imagine.

This is actually the opportunity for an exciting new start for you. Who wants to roam around that big house anyway? The kids are grown and have homes of their own, it is too much space, and far too much upkeep. Get a cute place, in a great area, that is simple to take care of. Did the two of you have a relationship where one spouse worked and one spouse helped raise the kids and take care of the house? Now is your time to shine and do all those things that you dreamed of doing. Volunteer, take some classes, work part-time, your options are endless and exhilarating.

Do you fear that you are going to spend the rest of your life alone, and never find love again? Think again! Unfortunately, at least 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That leaves a lot of options and lonely people looking to meet a new match. While the idea of dating may be nerve wracking at first, it can be thrilling if you give it a chance. Are there great qualities about you that your partner always took for granted?

Perhaps there is someone out there looking for someone with those exact qualities. Maybe there is someone out there who treats you in a way that you never knew was possible. Of course you need to take the time to heal and be ready for a new romance or dating, but once you are, the possibilities are endless. This is your chance to date and do all those things you never got a chance to do in your previous relationship. Your ex hated to dance? Take some ballroom dancing lessons with your new potential suitor. Did your ex prefer to stay at home, now is your chance to see the world with a willing and excited partner.

The bottom line is that life does not end just because your relationship did. Things could not have been ideal if they ended in divorce, and there were likely numerous things that did not make you happy. While it may take some time, healing, and getting to know who you are as the individual you are now, this truly can be a fresh start and a reinvention of self.

You now have the chance to explore all the things you always wanted to do, but were not supported in doing. You have a chance to explore, learn, and put your unique mark on the world. When you are ready, you have a chance to meet someone who appreciates you for the unique person you are, and who has goals and interests in line with yours. Life is far from over, in fact some would argue it can just begin. Do not drop anchor, do not allow yourself to feel that things are hopeless when you divorce after decades, because there are many years and many adventures ahead if you are open to them.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Two Things That Lead You to Lose Your Self-Confidence Amidst a Divorce

Divorce, job loss, or the crumbling of a relationship are examples of sudden life-changing events that can cause pain and suffering–whether you saw them coming or not. Chances are pretty good that when a sudden soul-crushing event happens to you, anger and sadness quickly turn to blame, which can take two forms.

BLAMING OTHERS

You can blame others and point the finger at somebody or something that you feel caused your pain and suffering. In blaming others, you identify yourself as victim because it was done to you.

The reality is that sometimes IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. Others may be squarely to blame for your circumstances, and you may have had no control over what happened to you. In other cases, you may just find that it’s easier to point the finger at someone to justify your anger, hide your humiliation, and satisfy your ego.

BLAMING YOURSELF

You can also blame yourself. In doing this, you identify as a victim of your own making because you feel like it was done by you. You feel that you have done something bad or wrong that contributed to the situation; this is why blaming yourself is most often partnered with feelings of guilt.

Fabulous, right? That’s just the cherry you needed to top the sh*tstorm sundae in front of you!

In both circumstances, when you become a victim, you give up your power. In a recent blog in the Huffington Post, Karen Covy, a divorce attorney and life advisor, said that guilt “strips your power away from you faster than a vacuum cleaner sucks dirt from your carpet.

“Guilt is a feeling. It comes from your heart, not your head. But it starts when your head tells your heart that you have done something bad or wrong. Getting divorced is not necessarily bad or wrong. It is also not necessarily good or right either. The truth is that divorce is whatever you make of it.” The same could be said of losing your job, or the crumbling of a relationship. The truth is, it’s whatever you make it.

If we focus on guilt, we lose our power, and when we lose our power, fear takes over. When fear rules the day, you have two options.

Option one is to push down the fear; you hide it and pretend it’s not there. It’s like trying to hold a balloon under water; you have to apply so much pressure to keep it down that eventually it’s just going to shoot right up to the surface.

Option two is to address your fear. Acknowledge it, walk with it hand and hand, and feel it instead of treating it like the enemy. Figure out what your fear is and whether or not it has any truth to it.

At one end of the spectrum you have blame, guilt, fear and powerlessness; at the other end of the spectrum you have accountability and power. Moving to the positive side of the spectrum and taking your power back is your responsibility.

It doesn’t matter if something was done to you or by you. It doesn’t matter if it was right or wrong. It doesn’t matter if it was fair or unfair. What matters is that you alone are responsible for how you move forward. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you contributed to the situation, own it and forgive yourself for it. You are human and you are okay!

And if you’re reading this post RIGHT NOW, then you’re in a unique position to find out exactly how to take back your power and move forward, feel confident and be happy.

Now that you know about the consequences of playing the pain-blame game, I’ve created a DETAILED, free guide to help you gain back, and hold onto, your power.

My wish for you is to sidestep the countless traps that make most divorce recoveries epic disasters, and instead be able to move forward and feel confident because you own your power. I’ve been focusing on resilience for over 7 years now and I’ve made MANY mistakes along the way. You don’t need to do the same! I’ve compiled a list of 4 easy ways to take back your power (and keep it). To learn how to take your power back, download my FREE GUIDE:

4 Ways to Take Back Your Power After a Divorce

You can use these lessons over and over again in your life.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

The Truth About Moving On From Your Ex After Divorce

Some people find the process of moving on after divorce surprisingly uncomplicated. (You know, the kind of folks who say they had moved on from their ex long before their marriage was legally over.) For others, closure is a lot harder to come by.  

The good news? Your brain may be hardwired to help you move on. According to a study published earlier this year in the journal Review of General Psychology, humans may be built to experience the pain of a split and move on to a new partner.

Even so, getting through those first initial months and even years after divorce isn’t going to be easy. To help you out, we asked relationship experts and HuffPost Divorce readers for their best advice on moving forward after divorce. Read their tried-and-true tips below.

1. Understand that there’s no timeframe for recovering from divorce — and that’s OK.

There will be days when you feel amazing and glad to be free of your ex — and days when getting out of bed seems like more trouble than it’s worth. As divorce coach Kira Gould discovered firsthand, divorce recovery is not a linear process.

“There were times in the beginning of my divorce when I knew in my soul that I was done and over it — and there are days now, six years later, when I am surprised to think fondly of my ex,” she said. “When you have a past that was long and intricately entwined, those feelings don’t go away overnight.” 

2. If you have kids, note that the process will be even harder. 

While it’s great to behave like grownups and co-parent for your kids’ sake, having to see your ex every time he or she swings by makes it a lot harder to move on, said HuffPost reader Diane Caron. 

“Whether you have children together does make a difference,” she said. ”It’s something that we have to live with for the rest of our lives, even if we do move on.” 

3. Remind yourself that you’re capable of moving on after divorce. 

Don’t get too hung up on the theory that it takes half the length of the relationship‘s duration to process a breakup. You’ll feel more empowered once you accept that you’re in charge of moving on, not a calendar, divorce coach Emma Heptonstall said. 

“Recovering from divorce is ultimately about being willing to let go,” she said. “Letting go frees up emotional space, physical space and creates a path on which you can move forward. Being open to the possibility that you might be able to move on is the first sign that you already have.” 

4. Make a point to define who you are outside of the marriage. 

Instead of fixating on moving on, try focusing on yourself and re-embracing the goals and interests you may have put aside during your marriage, said reader Barry Fraser.

“I don’t think there’s an exact timeframe for moving on but what I do think helps immensely is regaining confidence in yourself,” he said. “Chances are, your relationship changed who you were and you lost your identity or self worth.” 

5.  Take comfort in knowing you might experience a moment where you finally feel free of the past. 

For writer Amy Koko, the moment she knew she was over her ex (or as over an ex as you can be when you have kids) happened unexpectedly on Thanksgiving, two years post-split. 

“The year before I had looked around and felt an overwhelming sadness for the one person who would never again be sitting at head of my table,” she said. “This year as we laughed at the table, I felt a flush of warmth remembering how my ex always drank a glass of egg nog with his turkey dinner. In that moment, I hoped he was enjoying his day as much as I was…and that’s when I knew.” 

6. But don’t be surprised if a new wave of sadness hits after you thought you had processed your grief.  

Six months after her “drama”-filled divorce was finalized, HuffPost blogger Lindsey Light felt emotionally ready to date again. But then, seemingly out of the nowhere, she experienced another bout of sadness. 

“Today, I find myself still dealing with some of the repercussions of my divorce and marriage,” she said. “We were together seven years; I think it’s good that I’m aware of this as I move forward in my life and relationships. That said, I can say with certainty that I am no longer bitter or heartbroken — and I definitely don’t have any romantic feelings left for my ex.” 

7. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get over it. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to move on after divorce — but maybe instead the goal should be some version of closure from the past, said psychologist Andra Brosh.

“One of the greatest misperceptions of divorce is that it’s something you move on from,” she said. “The end of a marriage can be grieved and embraced as a life experience, but the mark it leaves can never be erased.” 

 

8. Down the road, try to look back fondly on the good times you had with your ex. (You know there were some good times.) 

It’s healing in its own way to look back on the years you spent with your ex with a sense of appreciation, said Gould.

 

“I like to think that my ex still has a small place in my heart that’s compartmentalized,” she said. “I honor the time we had together, but limited in a healthy way.”

 

More From HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

The Truth About Moving On From Your Ex After Divorce

Some people find the process of moving on after divorce surprisingly uncomplicated. (You know, the kind of folks who say they had moved on from their ex long before their marriage was legally over.) For others, closure is a lot harder to come by.  

The good news? Your brain may be hardwired to help you move on. According to a study published earlier this year in the journal Review of General Psychology, humans may be built to experience the pain of a split and move on to a new partner.

Even so, getting through those first initial months and even years after divorce isn’t going to be easy. To help you out, we asked relationship experts and HuffPost Divorce readers for their best advice on moving forward after divorce. Read their tried-and-true tips below.

1. Understand that there’s no timeframe for recovering from divorce — and that’s OK.

There will be days when you feel amazing and glad to be free of your ex — and days when getting out of bed seems like more trouble than it’s worth. As divorce coach Kira Gould discovered firsthand, divorce recovery is not a linear process.

“There were times in the beginning of my divorce when I knew in my soul that I was done and over it — and there are days now, six years later, when I am surprised to think fondly of my ex,” she said. “When you have a past that was long and intricately entwined, those feelings don’t go away overnight.” 

2. If you have kids, note that the process will be even harder. 

While it’s great to behave like grownups and co-parent for your kids’ sake, having to see your ex every time he or she swings by makes it a lot harder to move on, said HuffPost reader Diane Caron. 

“Whether you have children together does make a difference,” she said. ”It’s something that we have to live with for the rest of our lives, even if we do move on.” 

3. Remind yourself that you’re capable of moving on after divorce. 

Don’t get too hung up on the theory that it takes half the length of the relationship‘s duration to process a breakup. You’ll feel more empowered once you accept that you’re in charge of moving on, not a calendar, divorce coach Emma Heptonstall said. 

“Recovering from divorce is ultimately about being willing to let go,” she said. “Letting go frees up emotional space, physical space and creates a path on which you can move forward. Being open to the possibility that you might be able to move on is the first sign that you already have.” 

4. Make a point to define who you are outside of the marriage. 

Instead of fixating on moving on, try focusing on yourself and re-embracing the goals and interests you may have put aside during your marriage, said reader Barry Fraser.

“I don’t think there’s an exact timeframe for moving on but what I do think helps immensely is regaining confidence in yourself,” he said. “Chances are, your relationship changed who you were and you lost your identity or self worth.” 

5.  Take comfort in knowing you might experience a moment where you finally feel free of the past. 

For writer Amy Koko, the moment she knew she was over her ex (or as over an ex as you can be when you have kids) happened unexpectedly on Thanksgiving, two years post-split. 

“The year before I had looked around and felt an overwhelming sadness for the one person who would never again be sitting at head of my table,” she said. “This year as we laughed at the table, I felt a flush of warmth remembering how my ex always drank a glass of egg nog with his turkey dinner. In that moment, I hoped he was enjoying his day as much as I was…and that’s when I knew.” 

6. But don’t be surprised if a new wave of sadness hits after you thought you had processed your grief.  

Six months after her “drama”-filled divorce was finalized, HuffPost blogger Lindsey Light felt emotionally ready to date again. But then, seemingly out of the nowhere, she experienced another bout of sadness. 

“Today, I find myself still dealing with some of the repercussions of my divorce and marriage,” she said. “We were together seven years; I think it’s good that I’m aware of this as I move forward in my life and relationships. That said, I can say with certainty that I am no longer bitter or heartbroken — and I definitely don’t have any romantic feelings left for my ex.” 

7. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get over it. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to move on after divorce — but maybe instead the goal should be some version of closure from the past, said psychologist Andra Brosh.

“One of the greatest misperceptions of divorce is that it’s something you move on from,” she said. “The end of a marriage can be grieved and embraced as a life experience, but the mark it leaves can never be erased.” 

 

8. Down the road, try to look back fondly on the good times you had with your ex. (You know there were some good times.) 

It’s healing in its own way to look back on the years you spent with your ex with a sense of appreciation, said Gould.

 

“I like to think that my ex still has a small place in my heart that’s compartmentalized,” she said. “I honor the time we had together, but limited in a healthy way.”

 

More From HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

How To Help A Friend Going Through A Divorce

Once you hit your late twenties and early thirties, the wave of “young” divorces may start to come. People who married just out of high school or college may find their relationships coming apart at the seams — and, as friends, you’re all likely to get involved in the resulting emotional and financial rigmarole. Particularly if one of your friends has been divorced before, it can be difficult to know the appropriate type of behavior to help a friend in this situation. Should you help burn the ex’s clothes? Go on ragers all night? Take care of their lives while they weep into a plate of cake? How do you actually help your friend get through a divorce?

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

10 Ways To Survive The Holidays While Going Through A Divorce

As Halloween passes and you finally finish packing away the costumes and the candy, turning the calendar to November can seem as painful as wearing a beaded thong to the gym.  The holiday season becomes a catch 22 for most people who have gone through (or are going through) a divorce.  You love the idea of the holidays; but your mind inevitably goes full blown Christmas Carol on you and you’re being tortured by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  Only now, he’s got a buddy – The Ghost of Christmases That Will Never Be.  Is there a way to make it through the holiday season with your sanity (and sobriety) in tact?  Hold on, honey.  I’ve got you covered.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Khloe Kardashian Talks Calling Off Divorce: It Doesn’t Mean I’m Back With Lamar Odom

Khloe
Kardashian and Lamar Odom filed a court petition dismissing a divorce filing,
but the reality TV star says that doesn’t mean they’re reconciling after the
former NBA star was found unconsciou…


Access Hollywood Latest News

Olivier Martinez Steps Out Without His Wedding Ring After Halle Berry Refiles for Divorce

Olivier Martinez has officially been snapped as a single man.

After Halle Berry refiled for divorce from her husband citing “irreconcilable differences,” the 49-year-old was…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Arnold Schwarzenegger Still Hasn’t Signed Four Year Old Divorce Papers: Can He Do That?

How long does it take to sign divorce papers? If you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, four years… and counting.

Schwarzenegger’s wife, Maria Shriver, filed for divorce in 2011 after the shocking revelation that Schwarzenegger had fathered a child outside their marriage. According to a report from TMZ, the actor and former governor of California still hasn’t signed the divorce papers.

TMZ’s sources say that there are no remaining issues holding up the process, save a simple sign off by the former Governator.

Whatever his reasons for dragging his feet might be, I found my self wondering not “why would he do that?” but “can he do that?”

Since I am not a lawyer – although I played one in a not-even-good-enough-for-youtube comedy short once – I asked David Wilkinson of Wilkinson & Finkbeiner in Orange County and Steven Kampf of the Kampf Law Firm in San Diego.

First, can Arnold do that? Simply not sign?

“It depends. There are two types of divorce cases, uncontested and contested.  If Shriver and the Terminator were trying to do an uncontested divorce case without any court action, then she would have to wait for him to sign a settlement agreement.  There is nothing she could do to force him to agree or sign a divorce judgment.  However, if she wants to apply some pressure to get him to sign, then there are certain things she could try.” – David Wilkinson

What happens if – like Arnold – you don’t sign your divorce papers?

“If another party doesn’t respond to a divorce petition, the other party can seek a Default Judgment against them.  If there is no response after 30 days, they can file a request to enter a default judgment.  Once this is done, the court will usually set a court date for a default judgment prove up; that is a court hearing where the one party would go and prove everything they allege or request in their petition that was never responded to.  This is the proper route to take in this situation.
 
Now, if the Governator did respond to the original petition (which is very likely or Maria would have already gotten a default judgment against him), then the best thing for her to do would be to address this at the Family Resolution Conference (aka Status Conference).  The court automatically sets these FRCs about every six months.  Basically the purpose of a FRC is to see the status of the case.”  – Steven Kampf

What would Maria’s options be to get this divorce finalized?

“Assuming Arnold has any sort of lawyer working on his case, they would never let a default happen. Instead, she could propound discovery, start taking depositions, etc.  This may prompt Arnold to take action to finish the case.

She could file an “At Issue Memorandum” with the court, requesting that the court set a Mandatory Settlement Conference or trial (this depends on what’s been done in the case to date). Note, judges are under relatively strict “orders” to make sure cases get concluded in a timely fashion.  There is nothing prohibiting the judge from hauling everyone into court and setting deadlines, etc.

Ultimately, there are a series of laws that allow the court to “fast track” a case, set discovery deadlines, etc.  This is probably Maria’s best course of action.  They can mediate the case, hire a privately compensated judge (usually a retired judge) to handle the case (which will certainly speed things along), etc.  They would both have to agree to this course of action, however.” – David Wilkinson

Are there any real legal ramifications for Arnold or someone in a similar situation?

“If Arnold continues to drag his feet, Maria could tell the court that Arnold is failing to participate after filing his response to the petition. The court can then do a number of things to get him to participate, one being finding him in contempt of court (more on that here). She could also file a request for Order for sanctions on Arnold for various reasons if he is not complying with certain statutory timelines, etc.” – Steven Kampf

Is this kind of thing common in divorce cases?
 
“Believe it or not, no this is not that common.  A true default case rarely happens unless parties have zero assets and no kids.  The latter case is even more rare, when a party responds to a petition or participates for a bit and then disappears.  This is because the court has the power to punish someone for failing to participate (after their initial filing) by ordering sanctions, or finding someone in contempt for ailing to abide by court orders.  They can also move the case along without the party participating.” – Steven Kampf

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Children of Divorce Benefit From Play Therapy

I am not a play therapist nor am I a therapist or social worker.

I’m just your average everyday mother with a beautiful only child– a child of divorce.
My ex-husband (it’s almost official) and I were both raised by two parents that stayed married and are still married. Neither of us could really understand nor will we ever fully understand the position our daughter is in. For me, it was a no-brainer that play therapy could help our child. It took longer to convince him, but he’s a believer now I’d say!

A former teacher, I had seen children go through a lot of nasty divorces and I had promised myself when the two of us decided to divorce that we would never be those parents arguing in the school parking lot and that promise has been upheld.

Still, even though ours is a tame and amicable divorce, we have our rocky moments and even more so, our daughter has had a difficult time adjusting. Just 3 when we decided to cut ties, our precocious only child regressed and lashed out. Showed signs of anxiety. Anger. Sadness. When you look at a drawing of her family today, it’s all of us together plus some imaginary siblings she threw in, and we are all smiling.

Talk about wish fulfillment on so many levels — siblings. Dad and I, together.

Some kids take divorce relatively easy and others, not so much. Perhaps if my daughter had had a sibling to absorb and process the change with maybe she would have taken it better. Perhaps if she weren’t so smart she would have handled it better. Perhaps if she were older….IF, IF,IF.

The fact was divorce was hard on her and being shared between two homes was tough.

Thanks to smart and intuitive teachers and two wonderful parents, finally, we are seeing the bright light at the end of the tunnel.

When your child struggles through a divorce it is heartbreaking. There is no worse feeling than that when my daughter would tell me how much she wanted mommy and daddy in the same home. That “divorce stinks.” Try hearing that from a 3-year-old. It’s soul-crushing.

But it gets better parents of divorce. I’m not saying it will be perfect or her wish (see family drawing reference). I’m not saying she doesn’t still have moments. She does. Sharing a friend is a challenge because she has had so much loss that the idea of losing another person she loves is unbearable. But she is doing great! It is great to see. My girl is back, for the most part.

I’m simply saying that it gets better and I believe fully that this is due to not only the people who love her, but also the play therapist that helps her and helps both my ex and me to work and co-parent effectively to support her.

Play therapy helped us figure out how our daughter was grieving and processing the changes in her life. Play therapy helped my daughter learn how to express her struggles and learn new strategies to handle anger and sadness. Play therapy helped my ex and me with parenting techniques to support her. I could go on ad nausem of how helpful play therapy has been for us, for her.

This is an APB to parents of divorce: consider play therapy. You may not even realize your child is struggling. You may know your child is struggling but have no clue how to help.

Consider play therapy.
It changed things for us.

This year, everyone — teachers included — sees the difference in my daughter.

I cannot stress enough how play therapy was a catalyst in healing for the whole family.

It may sound strange to you– what is play therapy anyway?— but take the time to consult with a play therapist. That one consultation could be life-changing for you, your ex and your children.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Two Options When You’ve Been Cheated on: Forgive or Divorce

Finding out your spouse cheated can be devastating. It can shatter your life, it can make you angrier than you ever thought you could be, it can cause gut-wrenching sadness and worst of all, make you feel like the trust you thought you had meant nothing.

There are basically two options for men and women when it comes to deciding what to do after the cheating: forgive or divorce. Many men and women get help, learn to communicate better and end up reconciling and happy (sometimes happier) as they face their future. Others can’t forgive a cheating spouse and ultimately end up divorced.

There are countless factors to consider in deciding which avenue to take, so I’m going to offer both the case for forgiving and the case for divorce:

The case for forgiving:

Assuming there is no physical or mental abuse, no addiction problems and no other cases of cheating, I think a couple has a good chance of working it out, especially if the cheater is showing overwhelming signs of remorse, and that he or she really wants to work it out. I think with therapy and good, honest communication moving forward, a couple can recover from a cheating setback. There is no doubt that defenses are high and the cheatee is deeply, deeply hurt and afraid that the cheater will cheat again. But, through therapy and talking to each other (and time, of course) I think two people can learn to trust again. I’ve seen it in couples. It is possible. The case for forgiving also includes children. That goes without saying. While staying for the kids is not always the best thing, keeping the family together is always worth fighting for.

The case for divorce:

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Is your spouse going to cheat again if you go through a tough patch in your marriage again? Maybe he or she will, maybe they won’t. It is a fear that I know, personally, I would have for the rest of my life. That doesn’t automatically mean a couple should get divorced because of cheating, it just means they should consider that the cheatee might be on edge about it forever. Therefore, if the couple stays together, it is up to the cheater to bend over backwards to let his or her spouse know it isn’t happening again. Another big thing is, the cheater has to be willing to go to therapy. This will do wonders for the marriage. If he or she is adamantly against it and thinks the two of you can fix things on your own, without professional help, that’s a problem.

In closing, the decision of forgiving or divorcing is yours, and believe me, it isn’t easy. I always tell people to trust your gut. Try to think of your future. Then, think about your past-the happy times (before the cheating). Do you want to try to recapture that? Also, think about how worth it it is to save the marriage. Divorce isn’t easy. It is devastating and involves a long process of healing. But, you can’t stay with someone in a bad situation because you are afraid of divorce. Because divorced people end up happy, too. It just takes a lot of time and hard work.

So, Forgive or divorce? Tough call. Be honest with yourself and have the courage to feel confident with whatever choice you make, even if it’s the more difficult one-whether that is staying or leaving.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially” for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

How to Keep Divorce Focused on the Needs of the Children

Placing children first should be the primary goal of every divorce, but sometimes there is a real lack of guidance and knowledge for parents who are trying to navigate this challenging experience and make informed decisions. As a result, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) has developed and released a helpful publication – AAML Child Centered Residential Guidelines. The digital edition is currently available as a free PDF download on the AAML website: www.aaml.org/ccrg.

2015-10-07-1444241430-3086782-ccrgcover.png

The guidelines address one of the most difficult challenges a parent must face during a divorce — deciding how to constructively divide access time with their kids. In order to help keep the divorce process as focused on the needs of the children as possible, the guidelines feature crucial advice from experts, recommended time schedules that spouses can adapt, and practical suggestions for arriving at a cooperative plan for the entire family.

As most states provide, “custody” is to be determined upon a “best interests” standard. AAML Past President Alton Abramowitz envisioned providing a national model, consistent with the aspirations of the Academy, to assist parents, judges, lawyers, mediators and parent educators in drafting child-centered residential guidelines, focusing on best interests, and as a result, reducing parental conflict relating to time-sharing of children.

The AAML Child Centered Residential Guidelines publication was then crafted in close consultation with and the editorial assistance of Robin M. Deutsch, PhD, the Director of the Center of Excellence for Children, Families and the Law at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology (MSPP), and an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School.

One of the main goals of the publication is to address many of the questions that divorcing parents have about how to ensure the needs of their children are placed first, while providing key pieces of advice on some issues that they might not have anticipated. It also offers an essential model that ultimately stands apart from the generally accepted traditional alternating weekend visitation pattern followed by many courts throughout the country.

The parenting time options contained in the guidelines allow each family to choose the appropriate plan after considering the unique circumstances of the family and the characteristics of each of the children. Research does not support any particular parenting plan. Each family needs to consider the age, temperament and special needs of their child, previous caretaking arrangements, and the child’s individual relationship with each parent. Most important is that parents are able to communicate about their child on a regular basis. Parents must share information and effectively cooperate so that a child’s experience, as he or she transitions between parents, is as seamless as possible. A child should not be drawn into his or her parents’ dispute by being exposed to the conflict or acting as a messenger. A child who knows that he or she is more important than the conflict between his or her parents will be better adjusted than the child who becomes subjected to the chronic disputes and tension between his or her parents.
Parents, in addition to attorneys and judges as well as mental health providers, mediators and therapists may find these guidelines useful in resolving parenting time disputes and avoiding disagreements about how much time the child should spend with each parent. At the same time, these guidelines do not prohibit parents, lawyers, mediators and judges from creating parenting time plans that differ from the sample plans contained within the publication. Of course, the residential provisions for kids are only one of the many aspects in a child centered parenting plan.

In addition, the parenting visitation and access schedules presented allow families to choose the most appropriate framework for their children after carefully considering the maturity, circumstances and unique characteristics of each child. The overall goal of the guidelines are to make every minute that a child spends with each parent to be as meaningful as possible, while decreasing the stress and pressures of the custody process and transitions between households.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

How A 6-Year-Old Viewed Her Parents’ Divorce — And How It Affects Her Today

“When My Parents Split Up” is a HuffPost series that explores what it’s like to have your parents divorce at all ages, from infancy to adulthood. Want to share your experience as a child of divorce? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

Maegan Ellicott was about six when her parents divorced. She can barely recall a time when they were married and her family was all under one roof. What she does remember is how hard her mom and dad tried to put the needs of their daughters first after the separation.

“It wasn’t perfect and it was still a very difficult experience for me and my family but I know how lucky my older sister and I were to have parents that handled divorce the way they did,” Elicott, 29, told The Huffington Post recently. 

Below, the Alaska resident shares how her parents were able to keep the peace — and how the split affected her views on marriage and long-term relationships. 

Breaking The News:

“I actually don’t recall how they broke the news; I don’t remember them discussing it with me and my sister or my Dad moving out. I do remember my Dad finding an apartment about a mile from the house we grew up in. I’m not sure if my lack of memories of this time period is because of my young age or because I simply don’t want to remember. My sister was 12 when they divorced and has told me they sat us down in the living room and discussed it with us very calmly.”

The Custody Arrangement:

“My parents had a fairly odd custody arrangement — they really tried to keep it 50/50. I spent Monday night to Wednesday morning at my Dad’s house. On Wednesday afternoon I went home from school with my Mom until Friday morning. I swapped houses every other weekend. Of course changing houses mid-school week meant I left a lot of things at houses — this brought my parents into a lot of contact. They also traded most holidays. The only thing set in stone was my Dad had Christmas Eve and my Mom had Christmas morning. And they both were sure to attend my birthday parties.”

The First Few Years:

“The constant moving back and forth was very confusing for many of my friends (especially because this was before smart phones and quick contact!) but I really don’t remember having problems with it. Kids are very adaptable. I remember having friends and later step-sisters (when my dad remarried) that only stayed every other weekend with their dads. I felt bad that they spent so little time with them. My parents worked hard to have a good relationship; I am sure it was incredibly difficult and painful for both of them but I have no memory of them fighting ever. My parents never complained about the other to me and I am so appreciative of that today.

 My Dad remarried when I was 10  and my Mom did the same when I was 13. Each time I gained two step-siblings. I think the fact that I was so young when they came into my family allowed me to really bond with them and grow up with them. I appreciate how fluid and flexible my family is and how distinctions based on birth parents were never important.”

 The Impact:

“I’ve realized that some of my views on relationships were definitely influenced by my parents’ divorce. I don’t value marriage at all. I have no desire to marry and do not see it as something to aspire to. I don’t think I ever dreamed of my wedding day like they say little girls do. This is not to say I don’t think you can be in a committed relationship but I don’t find marriage any more special than a committed relationship. It could all be because of the divorce or it could just be me. I guess I just don’t see it as necessarily permanent. I know it can be — my grandparents have been married 60+ years and are still very happy.  I just don’t desire it for myself. If someday I meet a person to whom marriage is really important I would consider it but I would prefer to just elope or go to a courthouse if that happened.” 

Her Relationship With Her Parents Today:

“Both my parents have been in their second marriages for approximately 20 years now and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful large family that gets along. All my major life events have been celebrated with both sides of my family present. When I graduated from my Master’s program, my Dad, stepmom and Mom all flew from California to Alaska for my graduation. We then traveled around Alaska for about a week together. For me it was normal, but I realize that many people can’t imagine a man traveling with his current and ex-wife without there being tension.

I’m visiting my family in a few months and today I woke up to an email from my stepmother telling everyone in the family when I would be home and that they would be hosting a family night while I’m there — included in the email was my Mom and her wife. Things like that mean the world to me.”

The Takeaway:

“Going from house to house was normal for me but my parents were also smart enough to get me in counseling very early and to continue it as needed throughout my childhood. It was so helpful. If you’re a parent reading this, know that while kids are very adaptable, it’s a good idea to find a child psychologist to talk to your children. It will help them work through all the changes in their lives.”

More From HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Dr. Phil – The Huffington Post

A Love Letter To My Divorce

Dearest, darling Divorce,

Man O man, you saved my life!

I had no business getting married at twenty.

That’s a decision that is layered with complexities and as science has shown, I had four or five more years of brain development ahead of me to get that one right.

Besides, I agree with you, no one should be able to sign a marriage license before they can legally buy beer.

I stayed for six years but I could feel you, there on the sidelines right around year three, and here’s the irony: I was terrified of you. I had you pegged as my adversary when in actuality you were to become my greatest ally.

What did I know? I was wearing Daisy Dukes and living on Doritos and Dr. Pepper.

You were right Divorce (and you of all people know how hard it is for me to utter those words), when you kept reminding me that you were not failure.

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, what with the snarky remarks from the peanut gallery, and all the subsequent years of confused men and a seriously empty bed.

Still, I love you, I do!

They say you know it is love when you become your best self inside of the relationship. That was the clincher for me. I was never better than those eighteen years we spent together. I guess you could say we grew up together you and I — and you taught me so much.

You taught me the courage to make the tough, unpopular decisions. To never settle, to run from mediocrity and forge my own path, and to be my own person outside of a couple.

You taught me to be discerning. To call bullshit, and not to fall for the fast lines and the cheap wine.

You taught me to slow down already! Life is not a race to the finish line.
“Savor it. Take your time,” you said — and I did.

You taught me that although I was still young, once might be enough.

That I may never get another walk down the aisl e– and that would be okay.

If I got panicky you reminded me that I had been there and done that.

You taught me to hold my head high. That even though I had already been married — no one had to know unless I told them.

There was no banner across my chest, no giant D written in red lipstick on my forehead.

You showed me that I could use the accumulated relationship knowledge those six years had provided to do good in the world. I had insights that could help other girls.

You showed me that adversity builds character and I was a girl who was in serious need of some character building.

You taught me tolerance. The fact that even when people start out with the best of intentions, promises gets broken.

You taught me compassion. Leaving someone is hard enough. You don’t have to emotionally eviscerate them and kill every ounce of love on your way out.

And you were right again when you cautioned me not to stay too long in the marriage or this was bound to happen.

You taught me to listen to my gut. That it is the real brains behind the operation. Not my head, and most certainly nothing that resides below the waist.

You cautioned me against closing up my heart. That I needed to keep it open and supple — resilient and willing to try again; and that a tiny, dried up raisin of a heart has a hard time holding love.

As luck would have it I did find love again. But I never would have been able to recognize it or love him without your years of priceless observations.

Now go — visit yourself upon another young girl who is in over her head and is just looking for that chance to grow up.

And whisper that stuff about failure to her… I loved when you did that for me.

Big Hug,

Xox Janet

If you divorced in your 20s and learned a lot about love, life and yourself in the process, we’d love to hear your story for our series, Divorced By 30. Send us a 500-800-word essay or an idea for a blog post to divorcedby30@huffingtonpost.com

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

From Swept Off Her Feet To Divorce Papers In 2 Years – What Happened?

How does a couple go from sparks flying and tying the knot to the verge of signing divorce papers … in only two years?

Vicki and Mark’s final divorce hearing is next week, but they turn to Dr. Phil for one last-ditch effort to save their two-year marriage. “If our marriage can’t be fixed on the show, I am definitely ready to finalize our divorce next week,” says Vicki.

Watch the video above as they reveal how their relationship went from love at first sight to this painful crossroads.

“About six months into our marriage, our relationship took kind of a turn,” recalls Mark, who says his wife has kicked him out of the house nine times since they tied the knot. (Vicki estimates it to be closer to four or five times.)

How To Fight Fair (If You Don’t, It Could Mean Divorce)

“Mark lied about the amount of money he said he was making per year,” claims Vicki. “I feel like a sugar momma and I don’t like feeling that way.” She adds, “Mark has been very greedy, selfish and narcissistic … The last two years have been the worst two years of my life.”

Mark, who does not want to split up, sees it differently. “I think Vicki is obsessed with money,” he says. “Her expectations are really high. It seems like everything I do for Vicki is not good enough for her. I can’t read her mind!”

5 Questions You Need To Ask Before You Decide To Divorce

Vicki also claims Mark is a liar and a cheater, pointing to his text messages with a 21-year-old that she believes were inappropriate. “I was hurt and devastated,” she says.

“Vicki is obsessed with the idea that I’m cheating on her,” says Mark, who is willing to take a lie detector test to prove his fidelity. “Vicki is very jealous and she demands a lot of attention,” he explains. “It’s gotten so bad that she has visions of me having sex with another woman.”

Can this marriage be saved? What happens when Mark takes a lie detector test? Watch more from Wednesday’s episode of Dr. Phil, “The Clock Is Ticking And If Dr. Phil Can’t Help Us, My Wife Is Divorcing Me Next Week.”

Also on HuffPost

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Dr. Phil – The Huffington Post

9 Biggest Divorce Mistakes That Impact Your Kids

“Kids have a personal truth. They have what they believe about themselves,” explains Dr. Phil. And that personal truth can get damaged when children live through a contentious divorce. 

Dr. Phil tells an ex-husband and ex-wife who have been at odds for years — at the expense of their 9-year-old son — how their vitriol can be impacting him. “He thinks he’s lesser than. He has a damaged personal truth. He feels like a second-class citizen,” Dr. Phil says. “And the problem is you generate the results in life you think you deserve.”

How To Make Your Divorce Less Tough on Your Kids

Watch the video above as Dr. Phil reveals the biggest and most frequent mistakes people make in divorce or remarriage:

1. Sabotage — using child as a pawn
2. Using child for information to manipulate/influence ex
3. Transference of feelings
4. Forcing child to choose sides
5. Family events turn into pressure cookers
6. Using child for companionship/support
7. Treating child as adult
8. Too emotionally needy
9. Overindulgence due to guilt

“I’ve got two rules with children,” Dr. Phil continues. “You never, ever burden them with situations they cannot control, and you do not ask them to deal with adult issues.”

Dr. Phil’s Dos and Don’ts For Co-Parenting With Your Ex

Children’s needs become exaggerated when their parents go through a divorce. Most of all, such children need:

  • Acceptance
  • Assurance of safety
  • Freedom from guilt or blame for the divorce
  • Structure
  • A stable parent who has the strength to conduct business
  • Let kids be kids

He tells the bitter exes: “It’s time to start being a fiduciary for your child and put their interests ahead of your own.”

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Dr. Phil – The Huffington Post

Reinventing Myself After Divorce

2015-09-29-1443560120-4099703-ShannonHuffPostBlog3.jpg

It took me just about nine years to be able to speak publicly about this… but today I broke the silence with Steve Olsher, host of Reinvention Radio, in an exclusive interview. We talked about Reinventing Personal Identity.

About nine years ago, I woke up one day, literally, over $ 40,000 dollars in debt. I was blindsided, I was devastated, I was confused, and most of all, I was hurt. My ex-husband owed lots of money to lots of bookies, and they wanted what was due to them. Gambling on sports teams finally had caught up with my ex, and well, to be honest, I didn’t know any of this was happening.

I called my older sister, Julie, for help. I had $ 5 in my wallet and had no way to get groceries. My biggest fear, outside of losing my house, was how I was going to get food and have my basic needs met.

She, of course, helped financially, but most of all, she helped me emotionally. She let me cry on her shoulder daily, she helped me to see the whole picture, she tried to help me figure out how much we owed to which people — the bills hadn’t been mailed, and we were in big trouble. But do you know the greatest things my sister did for me? She never, ever said a word to anyone about my situation. She kept my deep secrets safe from the world, so I didn’t have to deal with more shame and hurt and judgment from others.

I tried to do the right thing. I stuck by his side. We went to counseling. We went to Gam-Anon. But, the next year, after working our asses off to pay off that initial debt, I woke up to another $ 20,000 in debt — same issue. This time, I knew that I had to make some tough changes.

Did I love him? Yes, we were best friends. But… I loved myself and my future more.

So, we parted ways and I began the soul-work of rebuilding myself up after being so broken. After being so betrayed. I was lonely. I was hurt. I was getting divorced, and I had to sell the house we worked so hard to build from the ground up. The worst, most isolated feeling of all was that I had to move out on my own again, and start over.

I had no money, but I had hope — even during that dark time. Hope that my life would get better. Hope that I would heal. Hope that I would be able to trust and love again.

It took time to get there… but I never gave up hope. I didn’t let my past define me. I didn’t look back, but learned to set new goals and take care of myself first, before anyone else.

Reinventing your life, and having the courage to do so, can (and should) happen at any time when you feel something “isn’t quite right.” This is a topic I am very passionate about. I want to reach people who are “stuck” and are scared to make changes, or not sure which way to go, or who to turn to.

Why? First, I’ve been there so many times myself. And secondly, I promise you that if you embrace the hard circumstance and learn from the hard lessons that life tries to teach you, you only come out stronger on the other side.

The interview is raw, real, and now live. I hope that you will take a listen. My ultimate hope is that you will find the courage to reinvent the parts of your life that aren’t working, aren’t serving you or those you love, and aren’t making you happy.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

5 Myths About Divorce Mediation

Divorce does not have to be a battle. The only reason that tends to be the case is that most people only know of one thing they can do when they decide to divorce — hire attorneys and go to court. When you do, you are starting a lawsuit, just as if you were suing a landlord for refusing to give you back your security deposit, or a big corporation for stealing your copyright. 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Blake Shelton on life after divorce from Miranda Lambert: ‘We’re buddies’

After four years of marriage and almost a decade as a couple, the country stars announced their split in July.


TODAY Pop Culture

Live webcam sex! More than 20000 Hot Girls are waiting for you!

The 7 Emotional Stages of Divorce in Your 20s

When a 20-something woman’s marriage is officially declared dead, she must journey through six levels of reality before reaching the after-life, also known as the “Celebration” phase. While interviewing 20-something divorcées, I’ve found the levels to be as follows:

• Relief

• Devastation

• Failure

• Embarrassment

• Anxiety

• Anger

• Celebration

1. Relief: For a brief moment, a sense of calm floats across the woman’s mind as she realizes that she will no longer have to deal with the stress of her marriage.

2. Devastation: Shortly after the “Relief” phase, reality hits. The woman faces the fact that her marriage is over — finito, done, adiós — and her whole life is falling apart.

3. Failure: In the days following her divorce declaration, the woman names herself the only 20-something divorcée in the world. She’s blames herself for getting married, wonders if she tried hard enough to make things work and is convinced she’s a failure.

4. Embarrassment: Dread overcomes the woman as she faces the fact that she’s going to have to update her social networking page’s relationship status. She believes everyone she went to high school with is going to judge and consider her a failure, as well. The woman edits her profile and quickly removes the automatic update posted on her wall. Then, she stresses out about how to tell her extended family. (Tip: A therapist once told me she suggests the phrase, “I’m happy to announce my divorce.”)

5. Anxiety: The woman begins to freak out. Not only is her marriage over, but also she is single, most likely for the first time in years. All of her friends seem to be in serious relationships and she must re-learn how to date and decode guy language. She wonders, “Does the three-day rule still apply these days? What is sexting? Why don’t men just pick up the phone!?”

In addition to those worries, the woman lies awake all night telling herself she is never going to have children (or siblings for her current children) because she’ll be too old by the time she falls in love again if she even re-marries! Will her new man care that she is divorced? How will she explain that on dates? These questions shoot out of a young divorcée’s mind like an automatic weapon.

6. Anger: Sadness is oceans away at this point. The woman is furious with herself for marrying “that asshole” and even more furious with the “asshole” for putting her through all his actions, assuming he is the one behind the marriage’s demise. During the anger phase, the woman vows to move on with her life, as challenging as it may be at the time. Living well will be her best revenge.

7. Celebration: The days of sighing and crying are long past. Maybe the nights once spent tossing and turning between the sheets now happen with a new, better man. Or perhaps, the woman isn’t even sleeping under sheets because she’s on an exotic island vacationing with her best girl friends and there’s no time to rest. The point is that she’s looking forward, having reached a place where she is at peace with the state of her life and she’s making the most of every new day.

The steps of this difficult journey may vary, but the road traveled unites each woman.

Did you divorce in your 20s? We’re looking for new bloggers on HuffPost Divorce to share their stories on moving on and starting over post-split. Email your blog pitch to divorcestories@huffingtonpost.com.

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Inside A Bitter Divorce: Suburban Housewife Says She Fears Living Under A Bridge

 An all-new season of Dr. Phil premieres September 14!  Watch a preview here.

Leslie, once a suburban housewife and mother of two, is now divorced and on a mission to get money she claims her ex, Nelson, owes her. She believes that when she and Nelson divorced four years ago, he hid large sums of money from her in a deliberate attempt to leave her destitute.

“I’m angry about being treated the way I was treated,” says Leslie. “I’m angry about getting screwed. I know that Nelson cheated me out of money. He needs to pay up.”

She also claims Nelson was abusive and controlling throughout their 22-year marriage, claims Nelson absolutely denies, saying, “He put me through hell,” and calling him “a lying, conniving sociopath.”

Of $ 300,000 she says she got in their divorce settlement, she says she has about $ 100,000 left. “I’m afraid of ending up under a bridge like an old lady,” she cries.

Nelson denies misrepresenting his finances during the divorce and that he was abusive. “From the time I filed for divorce until the divorce ultimately was granted in 2011, I supported Leslie 100 percent financially,” he says, claiming she would come home late at night, he says after gambling. “She would just throw open the door screaming at me demanding money. It was very frightening … Leslie’s behavior felt like a wild animal was loose in the house.” Nelson says Leslie has refused to look for work and lives solely off alimony.

“There was constant fighting. There were disagreements. There was no satisfaction in the marriage,” he says of what led to their divorce. “It was the constant feeling that I was always chasing after something that would satisfy Leslie and no matter what I did, the mark or the bar would change. And I could just never do anything that would make Leslie happy.”

Watch the video above as the exes share their respective points of view, and tune in to Wednesday’s episode of Dr. Phil to find out how Dr. Phil suggests Leslie can get “the best revenge,” and how the couple can move forward in peace.

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Dr. Phil – The Huffington Post

Financial Fridays: Divorce Sucks. A How-To.

2015-09-18-1442589475-2644747-276517715_3e0ad94b0f_b.jpg

I never write about my ex-wife. It’s her life.

But I want to write about divorce because the entire thing is a scam.

By the way, let’s discuss marriage for a second.

I am married to Claudia. I love her and wanted to be with her.

But let’s face it: we got married because I am insecure and felt that the government blessing our marriage would make her love me more.

This is not true. She loves me (I hope) but not more or less because the government told her to.

As far as I can tell, the only real legal benefit of marriage is that you can share medical insurance if you have a regular 9-5 job.

Everything else (estate planning, kids expenses) can be done legally, piece by piece, and much more efficiently and kindly.

Lifespans are long and kids, sadly, grow up, and no longer need you in the same way.

They no longer wake up in the middle of the night calling your name and in tears. Their nightmares are different.

So divorce happens. Because this government mandated false commitment has a way of withering. A dead leaf on a tree. Falling to the ground in an extra chilly winter.

When I was getting a divorce, I first went to a lawyer.

“This is the one you have to use,” said my friend. She had used her.

Just for walking in the door, the lawyer wanted $ 10,000. I didn’t want to give it to her.

She explained to me what would happen. I hire her. Then my ex-wife hires a lawyer (another $ 10,000). Then official letters are sent. Then negotiations between the lawyers happen.

Lots of negotiations: kids, estate, money, assets, house, etc. Anger flares. Then court. Then judges.

Forget it, I said.

I didn’t hire her. My ex didn’t hire a lawyer. Probably $ 100,000+ saved.

We decided what we wanted to do about the kids. We live in the same town so it’s easy.

EVERYTHING ELSE: we did this.

We put all of our assets in a corporation co-owned by us 50-50.

Then, asset-free, we made a one page divorce agreement. THEN we showed it to a lawyer who approved it and drove it through the court system.

Because it was so unusual it had trouble getting through the court system.

We got legally divorced. Emotionally, we were divorced. But we were still financially tied together.

But at that point we had the leisure of figuring that part out.

Which we did when emotions were less strong and we ultimately dissolved the corporation and everything was fair.

Total cost of divorce: $ 1000. Total time (from agreement to judge approval): about six months.

Did everything work out great? I don’t know. But it was probably better than two strangers ripping us apart and charging every minute for it.

Some things to keep in mind:

Kids are the only thing that’s important.

Throughout life, feelings and emotions go high and low. People change. Bad and good stories happen.

Marriage is a story. Divorce is a story.

But kids are not a story. They are an assignment. Love them and care for them and set an example so they become good adults.

Adults who remember to play like kids, but have experience that leads to wisdom.

When we first told the kids we were getting a divorce they cried.

They didn’t cry for us. They cried because they didn’t want to be “one of those kids”. Whatever image they had of “those kids” meant.

So our first goal was to make this smooth for them.

When you think of divorce, you think money and court battles. We decided to remove that from the equation by separating out the money.

We got our legal divorce quickly so everyone could just move on with their lives.

Then over the next two years, we figured out the financial situation in a much more calm environment. That was also a one page agreement with no lawyers needed.

I would definitely consult an accountant to make sure you set up the right structure to hold financial assets.

No situation is perfect. No relationship is perfect. But no matter what terrible things happen in a marriage (and terrible things always happen), they didn’t happen to your kids.

Some things I deeply miss because we are not together as much. I miss the “Daddy!” and the hugs when I come home from work.

And now they are teenagers and that part of their life is over.

Now I’ve been given the assignment to help make them into good adults so they can continue to destroy the world like I’ve been doing.

I only hope I am doing a good job.

Recommended Post: How I Met Claudia

James Altucher Show Podcast: John McAfee- The Most Interesting Man in the Universe

Ask Altucher: What to Do When You’re Burned Out

(Photo by Jennifer)

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

The Price Kids Pay When Parents Go Through A Bitter Divorce

In the video above, Dr. Phil gives a wake-up call to feuding exes Melissa and Eddie, whose custody disputes and vitriol toward one another are negatively impacting their 9-year-old son.

What Children Need Most When Their Parents Divorce

“Let me tell you what happens to children who live in contentious divorce,” Dr. Phil says.

  • They have appreciably lower math skills.
  • They have appreciably lower social development.
  • They have appreciably lower achievement in college.
  • They are at higher risk for anxiety, stress and low self-esteem.
  • They have a higher frequency of health problems.
  • They have a two times higher divorce rate.
  • If they marry someone who is also from a divorced home, they have a three times higher divorce rate.
  • They have a five-year shorter life span, which means it’s eroding their overall constitutional strength.

“The kids that get caught in the middle of all this are paying the price,” he concludes.

Dos and Don’ts For Co-Parenting With Your Ex

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

How to Handle Relationships After Divorce

When you’ve spent the last decade or more with a ring on your fourth finger, you’re almost a novice to the dating scene. Certainly, if your first song was by Madonna or Sinéad O’Connor — or The Carpenters, blind dates were set-ups by well-meaning friends and not the result of matching swipe rights.

There’s plenty of advice to be found on how to write the perfect profile, choose the most engaging photos, and meet the first few times in a well-lit Starbucks!

But, what about your first venture into the land of relationships?

Conventional wisdom – and the advice of most therapists – suggests dipping your toes into the pool for a while before you head for anything serious. You’re probably healing from the breakup – and likely vulnerable, no matter if your name was on the plaintiff or the respondent side on the divorce papers.

If you were in a dysfunctional marriage or your spouse was involved with someone else, your self-esteem may need some rebuilding before you move into the next coupling.

We’ve all met those who seem uncomfortable on their own. In my experience, a key lesson post-divorce is learning how to be single. Perhaps you’ve slid into this shape-shifting space where your identity rests as someone’s wife and mother. Men can experience this, as well, but culturally, this seems to be occur more frequently with women.

Now’s the time to explore new interests. Maybe you’re returning to the work force or searching for a new career path. You may want to focus on stocking your social circle with other singles.

Advice aside, a fair number of those new to the dating market will end up in a relationship early on.

What can you do to ensure you’re not making the same mistakes?

Launching into a new relationship before you’re ready may leave you vulnerable to partners who prey on those who aren’t sure of themselves and who may feel uneasy setting limits. If you’ve been without affection or attention, it’s pretty easy to get romanced by someone who comes on strong.

You’ll no doubt come across a fair number of potential daters online who romance with words, promising exotic dates or vacations before you’ve met in person. If the only romance you’ve experienced in the past decades is through a novel or The Bachelor, you’ll be primed for the bite.

Remember, pushing you to be exclusive too soon or begging to meet your kids before the second or third date are red flags for abusive behavior. So is isolating you from your friends and family. The partner who wants you to spend all your time with him or her and tell you there’s nobody who cares about you more deeply is the same one who may turn against you once you’ve been swooped.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, author of Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and Love and War in Intimate Relationships, suggests bringing a potential mate before friends and family. Ask their honest opinions. “You’ve watched us together. Do you you think this person is a good match for me?”

When we are at our most insecure, worried about being alone, we’re more apt to make choices that might not serve us. Lacking the common thread of mutual friends, we may not be able to know if this person would be a good choice for a relationship.

Dating can be fun. Look at the process as a way to meet new people – and to reacquaint yourself with the skills you’ll need to figure out who would be a good fit. Value your life as an individual and realize a partner, should you meet one, should complement and not replace the life you already have.

And as Dr. Tatkin says:

Thankfully, relationships aren’t like baseball, where it’s three strikes and you’re out. The universe keeps pitching us new opportunities to redo, repair, and reinvent ourselves with another person.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

The Price Kids Pay When Parents Go Through A Bitter Divorce

In the video above, Dr. Phil gives a wake-up call to feuding exes Melissa and Eddie, whose custody disputes and vitriol toward one another are negatively impacting their 9-year-old son.

What Children Need Most When Their Parents Divorce

“Let me tell you what happens to children who live in contentious divorce,” Dr. Phil says.

  • They have appreciably lower math skills.
  • They have appreciably lower social development.
  • They have appreciably lower achievement in college.
  • They are at higher risk for anxiety, stress and low self-esteem.
  • They have a higher frequency of health problems.
  • They have a two times higher divorce rate.
  • If they marry someone who is also from a divorced home, they have a three times higher divorce rate.
  • They have a five-year shorter life span, which means it’s eroding their overall constitutional strength.

“The kids that get caught in the middle of all this are paying the price,” he concludes.

Dos and Don’ts For Co-Parenting With Your Ex

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Dr. Phil – The Huffington Post

Tech N9ne — Pulls Trigger on Divorce

Rapper Tech N9ne is bailing out on his marriage, but there’s no way his wife can say she didn’t see this coming — ’cause they’ve been split up for a DECADE now! The “Caribou Lou” rapper filed to divorce Lecoya LeJeune. They got married way back in 1995,…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


6 Arguments All Couples Have Before They Divorce

No two divorces are alike — but the arguments that lead couples to divorce tend to be, experts say. 

Below, marriage therapists share six arguments couples on the verge of divorce usually get into before calling it quits — plus, their best advice for avoiding those fights. 

1.  ”You take me for granted.” 

It’s an all-too-common trajectory for married couples: Fall in love, begin your lives together, then proceed to get comfortable and take everything for granted. San Francisco-based marriage therapist Susan Pease Gadoua sees couples complain about this problem all the time. 

“It’s supposed to happen to some degree; it’s a sign that you’re comfortable enough to let your guard down,” she said. “But it can sometimes be misconstrued by your significant other as you not caring as much about him or her.”

To avoid falling into this trap, Pease Gadoua urges couples to watch the assumptions they make about each other. Don’t assume you know what your spouse is thinking or feeling. 

“One spouse may think, ‘We haven’t made love in two months so clearly you don’t love me any more’ or ‘He doesn’t respect the work that I do to keep our house and family functioning well,'” she said. “And once you start telling yourself these things (without checking them out first) you’ll begin to find evidence of how the stories are true. Check your beliefs out with your mate early on!” 

2. “What happened to our sex life?” 

Divorce-bound couples often complain about their sex lives — or lack thereof — said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted.

 ”It’s oftentimes the man who feels frustrated because his wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with him,” she explained. “Women’s sexual needs are more complex: Maybe he’s not helping her get into the mood with enough foreplay or maybe he hasn’t been emotionally available and responsive to her in general.”

Of course, it could be the other way around, too, said Berger. “A wife who focuses on her husband’s faults and often criticizes him can end up with a husband who’s lost interest in sex with her.” 

The best way to get busy again is talking through your non bedroom-related problems, Berger said.  

“Couples who use their brain to understand and talk through what’s behind the symptom of sexual disinterest are the ones who learn how to remedy the situation.”  

3. “You’ve checked out of our marriage.” 

When a couple is on the brink of divorce, one or both spouses start to seriously question if the marriage has legs, said Alexandra H. Solomon, a clinical psychologist and the author of Brave, Deep, Intimate: 20 Lessons To Get You Ready For The Love Of A Lifetime.

“When spouses become emotionally and physically disengaged, they can start to question their love for each other and wonder, ‘What are we all about?’ At its worst, disengagement can make it feel like you are participating in something you no longer believe in,” Solomon said.

To rebuild your shared narrative as a couple, Solomon recommends setting some new goals together.

“Create a couple manifesto or mission statement and update it regularly — create short, medium and long-term goals for each individual and for the marriage,” she said. “And it may also be helpful to create couple rituals (daily affirmations, weekly movie night, an annual vacation).” 

4. “You use the kids against me.” 

Couples whose marriage are this close to being down the proverbial drain aren’t afraid to go for the low blows when fighting — and that includes bringing the kids into arguments, said Berger. 

“I’ve seen couples in therapy who blame and name-call in front of their children, to the point where one child got pain in his chest every time his parents fought in front of him,” Berger said “These couples are trying to turn their children into allies instead of working out their differences constructively with their spouses.”  

Regardless of whether you stay together or go your separate ways, your goal should be happy and healthy kids, so stop giving them a front row seat to your arguments, Berger advised. 

“Recognize that the best gift you can give your children is a model of a good adult relationship,” she said. “To create this kind of relationship, it can be helpful for adults to receive psychotherapy, marriage counseling and marriage education.”

5. “Are we even fighting about the same thing anymore?”

You know it’s gotten bad in a marriage when you can’t even agree on what you’re fighting about anymore. As a therapist, Solomon said she “sometimes has to wonder if the couple were even in the same room when the fight happened because the stories are so different.” 

Solomon said this miscommunication is often reflective of a deeper problem: The couple lacks the willingness or ability to collaborate and understand their different perspectives. To move beyond this, try to empathize with your partner as much as possible. 

“Lean in to your spouse’s view of the problem and actively look for pieces of his or her story that you can buy into and empathize with,” she said. 

6. “We aren’t communicating anymore.” 

We couldn’t get through a list like this without addressing the age-old couples’ fight over communication. Psychologist Nicole Martinez confirmed that this is the number one problem couples who come into her office report.

“The couple stops being transparent, starts making assumptions and starts hiding things, which ultimately leads to anger and mistrust,” she said. “When communication breaks down, and each person thinks it is beyond repair, they will often believe that divorce is the only option.”

If the couple has any desire to salvage their relationship, Martinez tells them they need to feel safe to be open and honest about their feelings.

“When you’re this close to divorce, it’s a make or break factor in the relationship,” she said.

More from HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

A Time to Divorce and a Time Not To

It’s been said, timing is everything. And with divorce season upon us, it’s a good time to consider how kids, at different stages including adulthood, experience their parents breaking up. You might be surprised by what the experts report.

Young Children
My family fell apart when our daughters were only 3 and 6 years old. The timing wasn’t up to me and I remember tearfully struggling — taking one step forward, and 20 backwards– to put my divorce-ducks-in-a-row.

It was a difficult time for all of us, but my girls were so young and innocent that putting them first, and protecting them from the situation, happened naturally despite how distraught I was. When a new challenge arose, we had our comforting rituals to fall back on. We’d grab blankets and cuddle around a “fire-in-our-place” as my little one called it, or we’d pile into “my big-bed” for a group cry, eventually dissolving into giggles (yes, with a bit of tickling) and tiredly drifting off to sleep.

Their school embraced us, once I made the leap and shared the news. Teachers watched out for my daughters, letting me know how they were doing. The guidance counselor was wonderful, getting each child into an age-appropriate “lunch bunch” and meeting with my girls and me together — and individually.

When I finally got myself to an attorney, I told him I was just gathering information and not ready to divorce. After describing my situation, he looked me in the eye and firmly said, “Get this done before your oldest turns 13. If you wait, from what I’ve seen, it will be too hard on her — and that will make it even harder on you.”

I was stunned. My plan was to do whatever I could to keep the marriage going until our daughters were launched — which, to me, meant off to college.

Now I know I was wrong on two accounts.

  • First, staying in a turbulent marriage is one of the worst things you can do for a child. Despite our culture’s emphasis on “happily-ever-after” and keeping a marriage going for “the kids’ sake,” studies (and now even the Pope) report a chaotic, highly volatile home life takes a huge toll on a child. Simply put, experts say it’s parental conflict and being caught in the middle– not divorce — that hurts kids the most. Having two separate homes, with at least one being peaceful, is much better for kids and it gives them a better chance of a healthy romantic relationship down the road.
  • Second — and this may surprise you — one of the worst times to spring divorce on a child is shortly after he/she leaves for college. The first Monday after Labor Day (on September 14 this year), family law attorneys expect to be deluged with calls from potential clients ready to learn about, or start, the divorce process. It’s speculated the phenomenon, called D-Day, is partially fueled by parents dropping their last (or only) child off at college.

Teens and Beyond

Thinking (as I initially did) their child is now launched, parents who’ve selflessly stayed married “for the kids’ sake” finally feel free to start the divorce process. The rationale? With the last child away, creating his/her own world, their job is practically done and a divorce won’t be as difficult for their child. Turns out, that’s not necessarily the case.

Several years ago, spurred by Tipper and Al Gore’s divorce, there was such an increase in what’s been coined “grey divorce” that college counselors were slammed with students grappling with the news their parents were divorcing. It created so much havoc, colleges started sending freshman parents letters asking them to hold off any divorce plans, at least until their child was well-settled at college. One overworked, exasperated college counselor was known to admonish parents, “You’ve managed it for 18 years. Would another couple of months kill you?”

Why is waiting so important? Although your college student may look like an adult, s/he is actually more like a toddler needing Mom and Dad’s reassurance and the security of home as an anchor while testing his/her newly found independence. News of a divorce throws the student totally off-balance. Rather than focusing on school and new relationships, s/he worries about Mom and Dad and how badly the divorce could turn the entire family’s life upside down.

In her book, Calling It Quits, Deirdre Bair (a NY Times bestselling author and winner of the National Book Award) interviewed children of all ages whose parents had divorced. She was surprised to find 8 year-olds had an easier time than 30 year-olds whose parents were divorcing. Young kids have grown up with divorce around them and they are more accepting of it. Plus, when they tell another kid on the playground their parents are divorcing, they are likely to hear, “You so are lucky! Now you’ll have two birthdays, two Christmases, and your parents will buy you lots of new things!”

It’s a very different story for older children. Instead of extra presents, older children get extra worries — especially if they didn’t see the divorce coming. Older kids worry about why they are having such a hard time coping, how their parents are doing, if they’ll be able to finish college, and if they, too, are doomed to divorce. It creates huge trust issues. Then there’s the fact we don’t coddle them as we would a little child. Instead, we are inclined to see them as “friends,” turning to them for comfort and even sharing details we shouldn’t.

To help you understand the enormity of divorce’s impact on an adult child, I leave you with this. A mom I was coaching told me, for her, the most difficult part of separating was how devastated her 25-year-old (successfully living independently miles away) was by the news. I asked her why her daughter was having such a hard time. The answer, in her daughter’s words:

“I feel like my whole life was a lie. I thought we were a family and we all loved each other. Now, everything I believed the past 25 years probably wasn’t true.”

I was stunned. It never would have occurred to me that’s how an adult child might experience her parents’ divorce.

Later that day Neil Simon’s song Turn, Turn, Turn (To Everything There is a Season) became stuck in my head. I plan to call the mom and suggest she listen to it with her daughter and then talk about how even parents have seasons and families change. Yes, the love and memories are real, the breaking apart is hard, but happy times will come again. It’s how life works.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Going Public With Your Divorce: 10 Tips From a Seasoned Divorce Attorney

So you’ve decided to get a divorce, and you now have to daunting task of actually telling people…

Or maybe you’ve been going through a divorce, and have learned a few hard lessons about what not to say about it to your friends, family, kids…

From the moment you tell the first person, the world becomes a bit of a minefield, for reasons personal and legal, when it comes to talking about your divorce during your divorce.

Here’s a list of what to say — and what NOT to say — while you’re getting divorced. This is the same advice I give my clients, taking into account how what you say out of court can affect what happens in court.

Have a Plan.
This is my life, and I live each and every day by this maxim, because it’s the key to successful divorces. Know what you’re going to do. Write it down. Put it on a timeline. Check things off as you go. In this case, the plan is about deciding who to talk to and how you’re going to do it. Seriously — don’t be too proud to write this stuff down.

Decide Who You’re Going to Tell & In What Order.
It’s important that your family doesn’t know you’ve filed for divorce before your spouse, or that your kids don’t find out from a neighbor. Starting with the people who will be most affected, plan who to tell and what language you’ll use (it obviously won’t be the same with everyone you tell).

Don’t feel the need to tell everyone, either. Stick to the people who are directly affected, and the people whose support you’re going to be calling on during the divorce.

Choose a Headline.
The obvious one — “We’re getting divorced” — isn’t going to be enough for the people who are close to the fray, like your family and close friends. They’ll want to know more, and having invested in your marriage in various ways themselves, you might feel they deserve that. Decide exactly what you’re ready to say about a) your reasons for splitting, and b) what the future will hold. Use calm rather than emotional language.

Focus On the Positive. Within Reason.
Let’s face it, this isn’t a positive situation. But if you can take a positive — or even a neutral — tone regarding what you try to say about it, you’re likely to avoid ending up in an accidental rant, or bursting into tears in public. Not that this won’t happen anyway, it probably will. But having a positive message, however forced it might seem, will actually help you feel more in control, and be more in control. Eventually you’ll probably find that that positive message is something you sincerely feel.

Stay On Message.
A PR classic, it’s important to have your neutral or positive take on things in mind, and memorized, so that you will be able to remind yourself of what to say when people ask, which they will. This helps you keep from being goaded into talking about things you’re not ready to, to have conversations with your spouse that are counterproductive, or to have a meltdown in the grocery store (see #4). Know your message and stick to it.

Be Ready For Backlash.
Some people love hearing about divorce, because it feeds the rumor mill, and they’ll (subtly) grill you for details that they’ll then go repeating. This is inevitable, and you just have to be prepared to ignore it. Other people hate hearing about divorce because it means their marriage, too, is potentially fallible. They’ll be full of disapproval. Again, just ignore it. Or, have a response on-hand for when people are less than supportive, something that puts up a boundary without causing a confrontation, like “Well, we’re really trying to keep this as a family matter, but thank you for asking” or “I appreciate your input” followed by a quick change of subject.

Don’t Post Anything on Social Media.
Anything you post on social media is effectively public, and can be used against you in court. Keep your privacy settings at maximum levels during your divorce, and you should refrain from mentioning anything related to your divorce at all — even rants, or rather, especially rants. (That’s what your divorce lawyer and therapist are for.) Here’s a useful infographic about what not to do on social media during your divorce.

Verbal, Not Written.
On that note, be aware that anything you put in writing — like a private message on social media or an email — could end up out in the public domain. In divorce proceedings, sometimes these things unfortunately come up. If it’s not something you’re okay with the judge reading, don’t put it in writing.

Don’t Talk About Your Divorce at Work.
The exception here is if you have colleagues that you’re very close to, as in best friends. Otherwise, you’ll be wise to try to keep your divorce out of the workplace. On one hand, it can come across as unprofessional or airing your personal business in public; people have surprising attitudes about divorce sometimes.

On the other, talking about it could easily make you become angry or upset at work, which is unprofessional. There’s also the fact that if you let everyone know what’s happening in your personal life, it might affect how they interpret your professional work, regardless of whether it’s affecting your work or not. To be on the safe side, you’re better off keeping it relatively quiet until the divorce is final.

Keep the Kids Out of It.
When you’re talking to friends and family, be careful who might be listening (ie. your kids–I was amazing at listening through air vents as a kid). Be especially careful when speaking about your kids directly, for example what might happen to them regarding custody; this could get back to your kids and cause a lot of anxiety.

In an age-appropriate way, discuss issues that affect your kids with them directly, and make an agreement with your spouse not to say anything negative about each other or go into details about divorce proceedings while they’re around. It’s just unnecessary negativity and pain that they don’t deserve.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Going Public With Your Divorce: 10 Tips From a Seasoned Divorce Attorney

So you’ve decided to get a divorce, and you now have to daunting task of actually telling people…

Or maybe you’ve been going through a divorce, and have learned a few hard lessons about what not to say about it to your friends, family, kids…

From the moment you tell the first person, the world becomes a bit of a minefield, for reasons personal and legal, when it comes to talking about your divorce during your divorce.

Here’s a list of what to say — and what NOT to say — while you’re getting divorced. This is the same advice I give my clients, taking into account how what you say out of court can affect what happens in court.

Have a Plan.
This is my life, and I live each and every day by this maxim, because it’s the key to successful divorces. Know what you’re going to do. Write it down. Put it on a timeline. Check things off as you go. In this case, the plan is about deciding who to talk to and how you’re going to do it. Seriously — don’t be too proud to write this stuff down.

Decide Who You’re Going to Tell & In What Order.
It’s important that your family doesn’t know you’ve filed for divorce before your spouse, or that your kids don’t find out from a neighbor. Starting with the people who will be most affected, plan who to tell and what language you’ll use (it obviously won’t be the same with everyone you tell).

Don’t feel the need to tell everyone, either. Stick to the people who are directly affected, and the people whose support you’re going to be calling on during the divorce.

Choose a Headline.
The obvious one — “We’re getting divorced” — isn’t going to be enough for the people who are close to the fray, like your family and close friends. They’ll want to know more, and having invested in your marriage in various ways themselves, you might feel they deserve that. Decide exactly what you’re ready to say about a) your reasons for splitting, and b) what the future will hold. Use calm rather than emotional language.

Focus On the Positive. Within Reason.
Let’s face it, this isn’t a positive situation. But if you can take a positive — or even a neutral — tone regarding what you try to say about it, you’re likely to avoid ending up in an accidental rant, or bursting into tears in public. Not that this won’t happen anyway, it probably will. But having a positive message, however forced it might seem, will actually help you feel more in control, and be more in control. Eventually you’ll probably find that that positive message is something you sincerely feel.

Stay On Message.
A PR classic, it’s important to have your neutral or positive take on things in mind, and memorized, so that you will be able to remind yourself of what to say when people ask, which they will. This helps you keep from being goaded into talking about things you’re not ready to, to have conversations with your spouse that are counterproductive, or to have a meltdown in the grocery store (see #4). Know your message and stick to it.

Be Ready For Backlash.
Some people love hearing about divorce, because it feeds the rumor mill, and they’ll (subtly) grill you for details that they’ll then go repeating. This is inevitable, and you just have to be prepared to ignore it. Other people hate hearing about divorce because it means their marriage, too, is potentially fallible. They’ll be full of disapproval. Again, just ignore it. Or, have a response on-hand for when people are less than supportive, something that puts up a boundary without causing a confrontation, like “Well, we’re really trying to keep this as a family matter, but thank you for asking” or “I appreciate your input” followed by a quick change of subject.

Don’t Post Anything on Social Media.
Anything you post on social media is effectively public, and can be used against you in court. Keep your privacy settings at maximum levels during your divorce, and you should refrain from mentioning anything related to your divorce at all — even rants, or rather, especially rants. (That’s what your divorce lawyer and therapist are for.) Here’s a useful infographic about what not to do on social media during your divorce.

Verbal, Not Written.
On that note, be aware that anything you put in writing — like a private message on social media or an email — could end up out in the public domain. In divorce proceedings, sometimes these things unfortunately come up. If it’s not something you’re okay with the judge reading, don’t put it in writing.

Don’t Talk About Your Divorce at Work.
The exception here is if you have colleagues that you’re very close to, as in best friends. Otherwise, you’ll be wise to try to keep your divorce out of the workplace. On one hand, it can come across as unprofessional or airing your personal business in public; people have surprising attitudes about divorce sometimes.

On the other, talking about it could easily make you become angry or upset at work, which is unprofessional. There’s also the fact that if you let everyone know what’s happening in your personal life, it might affect how they interpret your professional work, regardless of whether it’s affecting your work or not. To be on the safe side, you’re better off keeping it relatively quiet until the divorce is final.

Keep the Kids Out of It.
When you’re talking to friends and family, be careful who might be listening (ie. your kids–I was amazing at listening through air vents as a kid). Be especially careful when speaking about your kids directly, for example what might happen to them regarding custody; this could get back to your kids and cause a lot of anxiety.

In an age-appropriate way, discuss issues that affect your kids with them directly, and make an agreement with your spouse not to say anything negative about each other or go into details about divorce proceedings while they’re around. It’s just unnecessary negativity and pain that they don’t deserve.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

The Simple Change I Made to Get Through My Divorce

I was the only one in my Child Impact Program that had finalized their divorce. As we went around the room introducing ourselves and giving our “brief” bio, I realized how lucky I was. Almost everyone, once they started talking, was desperate to tell their story and be heard. When my turn came, I was cheerful and brief. It turns out I had the class record for the fastest split. We filed in December and were done by the end of March. It could have been sooner but I wasn’t expecting it to be that easy so I picked a later date. “How did you do it?” everyone asked.

First, in a way, I was lucky. Even though we have two children, we don’t have a great deal of money or possessions. There simply weren’t any assets to fight over. I had met with a lawyer well in advance and knew what I could ask for. The law was clear on child support and the rest wasn’t worth arguing over.

Second, this was his second divorce involving children and since he had the same job, the visitation would be the same as before. We took that as a given.

Third, I was ready financially, emotionally, and physically. I had all my ducks in a row, refused to take any bait for an argument, and had also apologized to my ex-husband for any pain I may have caused. My support systems were in place and I had time marked out time to exercise and meditate so I could work through the inherent stress that this kind of life change brings.

But the best thing I did, which I shared with my class, didn’t cost any money, time, or grief. I simply changed my husband’s name in my contact list to “Co-Parent.” It’s the new politically correct term for your ex. Brilliant! I learned this early on in January from a recently divorced friend who told me what to expect from the Child Impact Program. It makes so much sense. From that point on it became all about the children. There was a complete shift in the dynamic of the relationship. Our weekly meetings became less emotional, the tone changed, and the focus was clear.

Now, a year after my divorce, whenever the name “Co-Parent” pops up on my phone, I’m reminded that it isn’t about me. My new role in the relationship is to communicate (as clearly as possible) what is needed for the children. Any emotion I might have is secondary and for the most part behind me. And most importantly, does not enter the conversation. The reach of that simple switch also goes beyond the name I see on my phone. When I reference him in conversation as “my co-parent,” I can speak respectfully on behalf of my children about their father. The negative connotation of “my ex, their dad” is taken out of the equation. When I told everyone in my Child Impact class what my “secret” was, several people pulled out their phones to make the change. The instructor said she was going to add that tip to her discussion on co-parenting.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

7 Things My Divorce Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage

2015-09-04-1441370616-2663911-ForkRoad.jpg

At the start of 2014, my life imploded. After countless efforts to work through issues in my marriage, I finally had to admit: I wasn’t going to have my happily-ever-after in my present situation. I left my marriage, my home, and one of my dogs. (If you consider that the ex also kept the truck, my life was a country song.) I knew I was doing the right thing for both of us, but I was blindsided by how much — and for how long — it hurt. Slowly, I healed, and I learned invaluable lessons.

1.  Opposites attract. But you need real common ground to stick together.

My ex-husband and I were a classic case of opposites attracting. I’m liberal. He’s conservative. I’m a whirlwind of athletic activity. He might run to the fridge for a beer. Initially, we enjoyed our differences. And yeah, there was the SEX. We could’ve made Sting and Trudie say, “No, thanks. That sounds exhausting.” Trouble is, you can’t spend your entire life in bed. When it came to the big stuff — money, work, family — we simply weren’t on the same page. Worse, we couldn’t discuss how to get there.

2.  Communication is key.

When you’re dealing with pretty much anyone, communicating openly and respectfully is key. In marriage, it’s essential. Psychologist John Gottman has made a career of studying how married couples interact. After listening to a couple argue for only five minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not they will divorce. He’s found that partners who disengage (i.e., give “the silent treatment”) or treat one another with contempt (eye rolling) are in a marriage that is doomed. Sadly, I can vouch for this.

3.  Happiness is your own responsibility.

Too often, we marry because we’ve bought into a romantic fallacy: that someone else will “complete” us. Here’s the unvarnished truth: if you aren’t already complete, you’ve got no business getting married. Me? I was waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet. He did — and then he was slowly crushed by the weight of the responsibility. The brutal irony was that when I found my own bliss, it underscored how incompatible he and I were. But in parting, we each assumed responsibility for our own happiness. Whether we are sad or happy going forward, at least now we each have only the person in the mirror to blame — or to thank.

4.  We are all alone.

I don’t mean that in a depressing, soul-crushing way. Quite the contrary. We are born alone. We die alone. In between, though? It is our relationships with other people that make the journey worthwhile. Some people pass through our lives quickly. Others stay for the duration. We generally accept this where friendships are concerned. But because we say “forever” when we say “I do,” we think marriage should be an exception to the rule. In the end, though, even those of us who stay married will likely exit this life on our own. What really matters? The love we share in the time we spend together — and how graciously we manage to move on from those relationships that don’t last.

5.  A failed marriage isn’t necessarily a failure.

Look, if you hook up on Tinder, get married in Vegas that same weekend, and then your marriage fails — well okay, that’s a failure. But if you follow the typical trajectory of romance, love and commitment only to find yourself divorced down the road? That’s life. Love may lead us to the altar, but marriage requires two devoted people working ceaselessly toward common goals. For many once-happy couples, that becomes impossible over time. If we can look realistically at the reasons our marriage failed, we can gain valuable insight that will lead to happier relationships in the future. In the words of Winston Churchill, “Failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.”

6.  Tomorrow is another day.

I thought the hardest part of my divorce would be arriving at the decision to leave my marriage. Ha! This positive go-getter of a girl spent several months occupying her bachelorette pad in pajamas, watching reruns of Law and Order and washing down frozen yogurt with chardonnay. I was a mess, and not even the hot variety (as the local pizza-delivery folks can attest). I beat myself up for handling things so poorly. And then, one day, I gave myself permission to grieve. With the help of an excellent therapist, I began to focus on the road ahead. I decided I could take things one day at a time, and eventually, I would find myself where I want to be.  And you know what?

7.  Here and now is pretty awesome.

At the start of 2014, I was heavily focused on my losses. I missed my home, my dog, the ex, and even that old pickup truck in which we’d logged so many miles and memories. Turns out, though, that time really does heal all wounds. Slowly but surely, I found myself savoring moments in my new solo life. I found myself trying new things, building new friendships, even giving dating a whirl and meeting some really great people in the process.

More than midway through 2015, I feel happy. Grateful. Excited about the future, and also just plain glad to breathe deeply and experience it all.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Master P’s Wife Demands Spousal Support During Divorce Proceedings

Sonya Miller says that Master P has cut off her cell phone and cable.


HipHopDX News

This Couple’s Divorce Selfie Is Surprisingly Sweet

Let’s get divorced — but first, let’s take a selfie. 

Canadian couple Shannon and Chris Neuman did just that last Thursday, filing for divorce at a Calgary courthouse and snapping a quick photo to commemorate the occasion. 

“Here’s Chris Neuman and I yesterday after filing for divorce! But we’re smiling?! Yep, we’re kooky like that,” Shannon said in a Facebook post that’s racked up more than 30,000 shares.  (The post is now private but Shannon shared the screenshot below.) 

Kooky — or just really good co-parents. In the caption, Shannon explained that she and Chris are cheesing it up in the pic because they know they’re doing “something extraordinary” for their two kids by parenting civilly. 

Are we smiling because the partner we chose for forever turned out to not to be the forever partner we needed? Of course not. We’re smiling because we have done something extraordinary (we think anyway!) We have respectfully, thoughtfully and honourably ended our marriage in a way that will allow us to go forward as parenting partners for our children, the perfect reason that this always WAS meant to be, so they will never have to choose. They’ll never have to wonder which side of the auditorium to run to after their Christmas concert or spring play, because we’ll be sitting together. They won’t have to struggle with their own wedding planning because we’ll be sitting on the same side of the aisle – THEIR side. 

Shannon told The Huffington Post on Tuesday that the response so far has been “99 percent positive.” But some were quick to criticize the exes for seemingly celebrating their divorce. 

“We weren’t celebrating with the pic, we were commemorating the accomplishment of a goal that we worked really hard to reach, together,” Shannon, who was married to Chris for 11 years, told HuffPost. “If we were celebrating, it was the completion of the process and coming out on the other side as friends.” 

Now that the photo is going viral, Shannon hopes the couple’s positive co-parenting vibes rub off on others. 

“If it helps any couples struggling (even if they’re complete strangers to us!) then I think that’s awesome and it makes me feel super proud,” she said.

More from HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

The 10 Best Things I Did Before My Divorce

A friend said to me that I made getting divorced look easy. I suppose when you’re ready, it can be! I was so ready that in fact it only took three months from start to finish. It could have been less, but I opted for a later court date because I hadn’t expected it to go so smoothly. Another factor is when you don’t have a lot of “stuff,” meaning money and material possessions, there’s not much to argue over. Keeping the focus on the children and not your ego is the best path to freedom. Here’s how I did it:

1. I quit my job and started working from home.
I actually did this over four years ago, but it was the most liberating, challenging thing I’d done in my marriage. Granted I have an entrepreneurial streak, or in the latest vernacular “solopreneurial,” but it still takes a great deal of courage to risk financial hardship and incredible strength to carry through with a vision and make money. With these skills, I had the confidence to do anything.

2. I went to a divorce lawyer, twice, two years apart.
The first visit was shortly after I quit my job. I had zero support from my co-parent. He had no idea what it was I had set out to accomplish, and felt terribly burdened with having to support the family 100%. I can’t blame him for that, but I had a plan, he just didn’t understand it. For all he knew I had turned into an Internet junkie and was surfing porn sites. A little support would have gone a long way… I learned from my first visit that I had a tough road ahead of me if I were to leave the marriage. There just wasn’t enough money and the children would suffer. So I waited. Last year, I went again, and the numbers came out much better. And on the plus side, because in reality there still wasn’t any money to fight over, both visits were pro bono. I never got a bill.

3. I started working out regularly, including taking up running.
It was not my first intent to look better. I was more concerned about feeling better. I was sitting all day and not moving around as much, so my lower back hurt, my hips cracked all the time, and my legs were cramping. As I started to feel better, I noticed my mood improved immensely too. I had more energy, I slept better, and I looked better. And going to the gym is social, which I needed just as much. And for whatever reason, I decided to start running. I don’t know why I had waited so long. I loved it immediately (well, after the third time.) It was the biggest physical challenge I had taken on yet. Running has changed my life. I know that I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in, which gives me confidence in everything I do.

4. I saw more of my friends.
Girls night took on new importance. As did traveling to meet up with my far away friends. I have a fantastic core group of friends in my area and we meet at least twice a month and I know I can count on them for anything. I know a lot of people in my town, but I am blessed to have my small group. And then there are the friends I’ve collected over time and know we can continue the conversation whenever we want. Doubly blessed. These are the people who you contact first with the good news and who get you through the heartache. They’re also the people that, say for example you find out Pearl Jam is playing in San Diego and want to go, you text them with your request and the next thing you know you’re flying to San Diego from the east coast to see Pearl Jam. Pretty amazing.

5. I kept up with my journal.
Writing in my journal has saved my life. Who else would want to hear my rambles every day? I’ve been keeping a journal on and off since college. I’ve found that I used to only write during the bad times. I have a lot of journals under my bed! Now I write habitually everyday. On my laptop, password protected. There are so many benefits I can’t possibly begin to list. But one that comes to mind, now that I’m on my laptop, is when I start to question something, after I focus on my feelings I can then google it and find out more. The answers are readily available, if I ask the right questions of course. Otherwise I could keep on writing in circles…

6. I read everything I could get my hands on about relationships from start to end.
This carries over from keeping a journal, but everything you need to know is right at your fingertips. The internet is amazing. There’s a lot of advice out there, good and bad. I fished through and found all sorts of great resources to help me grow, understand, connect with myself, and find the tools to start again. Ask the right question and you will see for yourself!

7. I forgave my parents.
Not as easy as it sounds. But it was the one big thing holding me back. I admit, I’m not 100%, but I’m much better than I was before. I’m just happy to be free of holding that grudge and they are, after all, just people. No one is perfect. Their lives weren’t really that great and now in their old age they’re suffering enough. It’s liberating to just let it go.

8. I forgave my co-parent.
I can’t blame him. I didn’t ask the right questions when I met him and I assumed way too much. He was just along for the ride. Had I been wiser, I would have seen that. I’ve now learned that relationships are a learning process and they take more work than I would have ever known. Had I been smarter I would have known that he wasn’t the one to go on the journey with me. And having realized that, I was able to sincerely apologize to him for whatever it was he was feeling and to ask forgiveness. He’s not quite there yet but one day he will be.

9. I forgave myself.
Oh the mistakes I’ve made! So many! But I can’t beat myself up. I didn’t have the tools. I didn’t have the foundation. I didn’t have any role models. I just didn’t know. At every turn I truly believe I did the best with what I had at the time. It’s as simple as that. I’m blessed in that I’m able to make the most of a situation and learn from it. And at the very least I know that no matter how bad it seems, it always gets better. It does. A friend said to me ages ago, “Crisis is opportunity.” I’ve had plenty of that!

10. I made it all about my two boys.
My problems are not theirs. Their world is their challenge. It’s enough for them to prioritize brushing their teeth before bed and getting dressed in the morning. The greatest benefit of being self employed and knowing how to live on virtually nothing is that I have the time to process my problems when alone and then focus on them when we’re together. Our stress is, most of the time anyway, about what raising two boys brings – meal times, homework, after school activities, girls, friends, screen time. And please put your dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher. These are good problems. My co-parent is their other parent and it is my duty to be respectful of that. I do whatever it takes to keep the spin positive. Because it’s not always easy. Would I like to make more money and enjoy more luxuries? Yes! But right now that’s not a priority. They’re still young and I’m not comfortable creating any more change in their life. When the time comes, I’ll know. We’ve made it this far.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

How to Negotiate Your Divorce Without Losing Your Shirt

Most lawyers will tell you not to even try to negotiate your own divorce settlement. That’s because most lawyers believe that they can negotiate for you better than you can negotiate for yourself.

For many people, that is probably true. Negotiating, especially with someone you can barely stand to speak to anymore, is tough. Negotiating something as emotional as your own divorce, is even tougher. But, it’s not rocket science either. For many people, it’s also necessary — hiring high-powered attorneys and fighting in court is just too expensive.

What many divorcing couples don’t realize is that, even if they have lawyers, they often end up negotiating at least a part of their case themselves. Either their lawyers are arguing in circles and getting nowhere (while the legal bills mount up), or the couple just gets so sick of fighting that they work out a deal on their own.

While divorce negotiations are definitely not for everyone, negotiating even a part of your own divorce settlement can save you time and money, if you do it right! Here are 10 tips for how to negotiate your divorce directly with your soon-to-be-ex.

1. Understand Your Finances BEFORE You Open Your Mouth. If you don’t know what your financial situation is, or you don’t understand your finances, you MUST get help BEFORE you negotiate anything! You wouldn’t ride in a car being driven by a blind man. Don’t try to negotiate yourself unless you have a firm grasp on your finances and understand what you own and owe.

If you need help, hire a financial advisor to explain your finances to you. If, after doing that, you still don’t feel comfortable talking about finances, or you don’t understand how they work, then don’t negotiate for yourself! The cost of lawyer-led negotiation is nothing compared to what you will lose by negotiating a bad deal.

2. Make Sure You Understand What the Law Requires and Allows, Especially When it Comes to Your Kids. Judges care about children. Unless they are given a really good reason not to do so, they will require you to comply with the child support laws of your state. They will require a parenting schedule that allows both you and your spouse to have a relationship with your children. They will demand that your overall divorce settlement be fair.

You don’t need to have a law degree to understand the basics of what you need to know to negotiate your divorce settlement. Spend an hour or two with your lawyer or a divorce educator learning how the divorce system works and what the law requires. Do your homework before you start negotiating.

3. Know What You Want. This sounds so simple. Yet so many people wander through their divorce wanting “what’s fair” without ever stopping to consider what “fair” really looks like. Be precise. What exactly do you want? Write it down. Write all of your “wants” down. Then rank them in order of importance. You will never get everything you want, but if you know what is most important, you can negotiate for that.

4. Know What You Need. To know what you need you have to have a budget and a balance sheet. You need to know what you and your spouse earn, what you have, and what you owe. Having enough income and support to be able to pay your bills is not just a want, it is a need. That is something you should not bargain away.

5. Know What Your Spouse Wants and Needs. The more insight you have into what your spouse wants and needs, the more you can negotiate in a manner that will satisfy both of you. You may think you don’t care about what your spouse wants or needs, but that kind of attitude is short-sighted. The more you can create a “win-win” situation for both of you, the more likely you are to succeed in settling your case amicably.

6. Know Your Bottom Line. As Kenny Rogers says, “You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em.” If your spouse won’t settle on terms you can live with, then you have to be ready and able to walk away. Sometimes, only a judge can make someone become reasonable. You also need to reality check your settlement proposal and make sure that you are not the one who is being unreasonable. (Hint: If your lawyer tells you your demands are unrealistic, listen!)

7. Check Your Emotions at the Door. Yes, this one is tough. This is why most people would rather let their lawyer negotiate their divorce than try to do it themselves. But nothing will derail your discussion faster than falling back into the same old argument you have had with your spouse for the last few years of your marriage. Also, if things get too heated, take a break. Don’t start talking again until things have cooled down.

8. Be Willing to Brainstorm Alternatives. Your way is not the only way to do things. (Sorry!) Try to keep an open mind. Ask your lawyer and financial advisor to help come up with various settlement scenarios that might meet your needs, your spouse’s needs, and your children’s needs. Listen to your spouse’s ideas. The more options you have to choose from, the more likely it is that you will land on a settlement that works for everyone.

9. Set the Ground Rules Before You Begin. If you want to be able to have your lawyer review your agreement before you make the terms final, make sure you tell your spouse that BEFORE you start negotiating. You don’t want your spouse won’t feel like you are going back on what you agreed if, at the end of your negotiation, you say that you want your lawyer to review your agreement. (PS Having your lawyer review your agreement before it is final is always a good idea!)

10. Always Have a Strategy and a Plan. If you don’t know where you are going, you will end up wherever you end. That is not a plan. A plan is knowing what you want and having some idea about how you can get it. A strategy is the approach you will take in implementing your plan. As a general rule, never lead with your bottom line. Know what you are willing to give up. Then negotiate.

Negotiating with your ex is not for everyone. If you can’t do it yourself, but you still want to hold down your legal costs you might think about hiring a mediator to help you and your ex negotiate more effectively. You can also look into collaborative divorce, which will allow you and your spouse to negotiate with the help of divorce professionals who are in the room with you.

Any way you do it, though, negotiating a settlement will always be way less expensive and time consuming than fighting with your spouse in court.

To get more divorce tips and information go to www.karencovy.com.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

A Look Back On Princess Diana And Prince Charles’ Emotional Divorce

It was news that stunned the world — even if the tabloids had long claimed the royal marriage was in trouble: On August 28, 19 years ago, Prince Charles and Princess Diana divorced.

Diana — “The People’s Princess” — and Prince Charles wed in 1981 but by 1985, the marriage was reportedly already in dire straits. The pair, who had two sons together — Princes William and Harry — stuck it through for 14 years because, as Diana later told the BBC’s Martin Bashir, they “didn’t want to disappoint the public.”

“The pressure on us both as a couple with the media was phenomenal, and misunderstood by a great many people,” Diana told Bashir during the revealing 1995 interview. 

Sitting down with Bashir was an audacious move on the princess’ part; at the time, the 34-year-old had been separated from her husband since 1992. A month after giving the interview, Queen Elizabeth II urged the couple to get “an early divorce” – which they did on Aug. 28, 1996.

During the interview, Diana also addressed Charles’ alleged affair with Camilla Parker-Bowles — an old friend he’d go onto marry in 2005

“There were three in the marriage, so it was a bit crowded,” she quipped. 

In the end, Diana told Bashir she was content with her standing in the public eye, even if it was unlikely she’d ever be queen. 

“I’d like to be a queen of people’s hearts, in people’s hearts, but I don’t see myself being Queen of this country,” she said. 

A year after the split, Princess Diana was tragically killed in a car accident in Paris. 

Below, read through the most interesting quotes from Princess Diana’s 1995 conversation with the BBC: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Do I Make a Deal With the Devil to Finish My Divorce?

Divorce negotiations… not easy. Compare it to a regular negotiation between businesses or individuals where there is no emotional animosity to cloud the communication and the eventual result.

I’ve said this before, but if you’re new to me, I’ll say it again:

A divorce is nothing more than a business transaction between two people.

Easier said than done, I know. But, that is all it is when you really look at it. Let’s not forget why you are getting divorced in the first place. It’s not because you’re happily married and in love with your spouse. If that were the case, you would be using the money it costs to get divorced to go to Bora Bora. (I’ve never been, but all I want is to be in a hut with a transparent floor over the ocean).

During a divorce, one or both of you can’t stand the other. Communication between has likely broken down to the point where you need a third party (therapist) to bridge the gap, or it’s past the point of no return.

And when it comes to any negotiation, what is the one ingredient that is needed for it to be effective? Surprise, communication!

A divorce negotiation, whether it’s over assets or parenting time with the children, is stressful and hard enough even when both sides have attorneys. If you don’t have an attorney and are doing it yourself (pro se), it’s even tougher because it’s you having to communicate with your spouse whom you are trying to separate from, legally, emotionally, physically…totally.

Whether you have a lawyer or don’t, everyone wants their divorce over with as soon as possible.

I don’t blame you. The only people, from my experience, who enjoy the process and want it to last for years are narcissists, psychopaths and malcontents.

You know who you are.

It’s not uncommon for one or both parties, in an effort to get the divorce completed sooner than later, to “give in” or acquiesce during the negotiations phase. I understand the desire to do this, but often times it leads to feelings of regret and additional animosity later.

The question this article poses is, should you agree to something that will force you to continue to communicate and rely on your ex after the divorce is completed?

What do I mean by this, you ask?

For example, you both own the marital home. Let’s say you (mom) want to stay in the house with the children until they complete high school, at which time you will sell the house and live somewhere else. Dad agrees with this and you work out the financials of who pays what during this period.

Great!

Your Property Settlement Agreement (PSA), which was prepared by an attorney (as it always should be) has very specific language about how the house will be sold and the procedure of how it will work. So far, so good!

Fast-forward a couple years.

The children graduated and are getting ready to go to college and it’s time to sell the house. Dad (somebody has to be the bad guy in this hypothetical) is causing problems and refusing to abide the PSA. He won’t put the house up for sell. What happens now???

This is the situation many divorcees find themselves in. During the negotiations of the divorce, they agreed to keep the marital home for a few years and then sell it, together, later. Key word there is together. You bound yourself to communicate and work together with someone who you probably can’t stand and/or communicate effectively with anymore.

At this point, your only real option, if you can’t agree on what to do, is to go back to court and enforce the PSA you agreed two years ago. Win or lose, it’s a process that takes time, money and maybe most importantly adds a bunch of stress to your life you don’t really need.

The PSA or whatever document you have that outlines the terms of your divorce is THE document that controls any situation once the divorce is finalized. That’s the only thing a court has to refer to if an issue arises. That’s why PSA’s are typically large documents. Good ones have specific language to cover most foreseeable post divorce issues.

Now, things always come up that weren’t contemplated or are the fault of neither side, whether that’s a mass disaster, or loss of a job. But, for the most part, your PSA should cover most of what may happen after the divorce for both assets and children, i.e. college.

Unfortunately, if you agree to terms in your divorce that require you to deal with your bully, narcissistic ex, then don’t be surprised when difficulties arise later on.

You may have to go back to court to enforce the terms of the Agreement if he doesn’t comply.

One option is to put in language in the PSA that requires you both go to mediation before going back to court. This typically is a quicker and cheaper alternative. However, both sides have to participate in good faith or the process won’t work. Then, you will end up in court anyway. So, if you think mediation will be a waste of time, don’t put that language in your PSA.

If you do have to go to court to enforce your PSA, some states allow you to seek fees if you prevail. For example, in New Jersey, if you hire an attorney to represent you to enforce your PSA, the court may force Dad to pay your attorney fees for having to drag him to court. Check with your State’s laws, as they vary.

If you make a deal with the Devil during your divorce negotiations, don’t be surprised when the Devil rears its ugly head and you find yourself back in court.

Jason Levoy, a/k/a The Divorce Resource Guy, is an attorney who teaches people without a lawyer how to navigate the divorce process and represent themselves in court. He regularly provides free advice via his blog, VIP newsletter and Private Divorce Facebook Group

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Don’t Rush to the Divorce Lawyers at the First Sign of Infidelity

As she walked back from the train station, suddenly, he was there in front of her. “I had to come back and speak to you,” he said. She knew immediately what he was going to tell her. They got inside the house and he started crying. Incredibly, she found herself comforting him — “It’s OK — nothing’s going to come of this,” she reassured him.

He had succumbed to the charms of a prostitute by the lifts in a business hotel. It was nothing, she told herself. Meaningless. Not his fault. Good that he confessed. Good for trust.

But then, from nowhere, the pain started. Imagining her beloved husband with another woman, imagining him wanting her — she started to obsess. She asked for every detail of the encounter, trying to understand, to connect. She went, like a lost soul, to the hotel, she stood by the lifts, she went up to the floor he thought he’d been on — to try to feel part of it, not excluded, from this event in her marriage.

It didn’t work. She felt empty. The emotional pain became acute and she would swing from loving and forgiving to raging and sobbing. Eventually, it all wore off, he became less contrite, they carried on, and she was never allowed to mention it again. In five years they were divorced.

As divorce lawyers, we hear stories like this, or tales of longer love affairs, every day. But it’s rarely the immediate cause of the divorce. It’s usually somewhere in the past, followed by bad temper, unkindness, neglect or repeated incidents. People tend to be very contrite when first discovered in an infidelity and then, slowly, the self reasserts and they kick back. It’s usually women who make the move to exit the marriage: Men rarely pull the trigger to divorce, though they may check out in all sorts of other ways.

If you want to get past an infidelity — and in the wake of the Ashley Madison revelations there may be plenty of people right now trying to do that — you can take broadly one of two approaches.

One is, one might say, the French way. Eh bien, la maîtresse, the lover — turn a blind eye unless it gets too heavy. Marriage is a structure, economic, child-rearing, social — the sexual and romantic nuances can ebb and flow from all sorts of directions and a dignified ignorance is the best policy. Many, more than you’d think of the chocolate box, picture perfect marriages you see are based on an accommodation, often unspoken, of that nature.

The other is the more full-blooded, down and dirty, figuring out what the hell happened. Some people are innately philanderous, they do it for fun and don’t really feel bad about it. There’s not much to be done about that. But most go into marriage meaning to be good, loving their partners and believing they have an exclusive bond. Breaking that, especially the first time, is hard, and usually happens because something is going wrong inside the relationship.

It can be that the relationship has fundamentally changed. You started out having fun together, working, studying, going out drinking and laughing — then children came along, the mother stayed home, gave up work, was suspicious of babysitters — you stopped having things to talk about, you stopped having sex.

The father got closer to women at work, found in them the woman, like Kate Bush’s Babushka — “just like his wife before she freezed on him; just like his wife when she was beautiful.” Or the other way — the husband becomes grumpy, absorbed with work, cold and angry and the wife looks for kindness, appreciation, love, desire, in another, from the tennis coach to the old flame.

If you want to, look at that breakdown, that change, and think about whether you can both get back to being the person you each fell in love with. You probably don’t want to be cold, angry, child-obsessed, dull.

If you look deeply at yourself and you really try to feel for your partner, it may be that compassion will let you forgive. And if you can, if you can love each other enough to take it as part of the waft and weave of your marriage, then you’ve got something pretty strong.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

‘Empire’ Star Terrence Howard’s Divorce Settlement Overturned by Judge

A judge overturned Terrence Howard’s divorce settlement with his second wife Monday, finding the actor was coerced into signing the settlement by her…
Billboard.com Music News

Hot entertainment tips and specials!
Download FREE Music for your iPod® or any MP3 player!

Need those hard to get tickets?
Call Now: 877-516-9953

What the Ashley Madison Hacking Dump Means for Divorce — and Marriage

When the Impact Team announced it had hacked the Ashley Madison site back in July, the 40 million plus subscribers were likely shaking in their boots. The hackers threatened to dump the personal and financial data and publish customers’ records unless the company took down the AM and Established Men sites.

Well, that day has come.

The internet is flush with articles sharing advice on how to get over a spouse’s affair yet ask a roomful of women what they’d do if they caught a husband in midst of even a steamy sext and the clothes are flying out the window.

So, what if a woman (or man) finds out the one who shares the bed and the remote subscribed to a site with the sole intent of extramarital sex?

I’d suspect finding out your husband (or wife) was trolling websites for a new bed partner or partners is a whole lot different from finding out he had a drunken encounter with a colleague on a business trip but maybe not.

According to the article 20 Important Emotional Affair Statistics featured on the HRF.Org site, 88 percent of married women surveyed say they’d be much more devastated by an emotional affair than a roll or two between the sheets. About 35 percent of women and 45 percent of men surveyed said they’d had an emotional affair and 60 percent will be touched by some sort of infidelity during the span of their marriages. (I guess that would account for the 40 so million on Ashley Madison!) Oh — and 60 percent of those who had affairs met at the office.

Advice for the scorned spouse that I’ve found on a slew of sites mostly focus on a whole lot of apologies, rebuilding trust, and figuring out what went wrong. I’ve interviewed men and women who have had extramarital affairs and most have cited a need to be valued or desired. (I would guess there’s also a fair number who are addicted to the thrill of something they’re not supposed to do kinda like sneaking some ice cream when mom says to wait till after dinner.)

Perhaps some people just form a connection between someone other than the betrothed, whether at work or at the local Starbucks. Either way, engaging with someone other than your spouse is a choice.

When a spouse or even significant other makes a conscious effort to find an on the side dance partner, I’d suppose the forgiveness part would be a lot more challenging. Perhaps the key to self-preservation has to do with trying to maintain your self-esteem and changing the locks!

Still, maybe things like infidelity don’t happen in a vacuum. Couples grow apart. People are exhausted from work responsibilities. Add in a baby or a few kids and it’s even more challenging. Relationships take nurturing and communication. Nonetheless, if a spouse is looking to supplement the main squeeze with something on the side, you need to have a frank discussion.

I’ve discovered a few sites like The Marriage Foundation place the blame on the spouse at home, advising wives to “Stop being no-user friendly. Become more loving. And the biggie, “Take care of his sexual needs!’

Because we know if he were happy at home, he wouldn’t be looking, for God’s sake!

No matter if you decide to hang in there and work things out with a weekend away and a spree at Victoria’s Secret or to allocate that money towards the divorce lawyer, nobody deserves to be blamed for someone else’s choices.

Can a marriage survive Ashley Madison or an uncovered sexting session? That’s up to the people involved. Infidelity doesn’t have to be the death knell of a relationship unless it’s a deal breaker. If you’re willing to give it a go, a healthy relationship would need a rebuilding of trust and communication. Turning a blind eye isn’t necessarily healthy.

What do YOU think?

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Back-to-School for Kids of Divorce

Getting a new school year off to a good start, with both parents on the same page, can influence children’s attitude, confidence, and performance both socially and academically. The transition from summer to back-to-school can be difficult. It can be even more trying when it’s the first year back to school after a divorce. My kids are going back to school in a week with the added twist of now living at two different houses. Although my ex and I separated in January, we did not have a regular visitation schedule. We did alternate weekends and were flexible with weeknights on an intermittent basis, which in hindsight may have been hard for the children. Really, everything was hard for them, it was a matter of making things as easy as possible, letting them feel their feelings, talking about them, and reassuring them that it was going to get easier. And it has.

Mostly, they slept at my house during the week, but still went to baseball with their dad, Scouts with their dad, the occasional mid-week movie with him, or even a sleep-over here and there, with the goal being that not too much time would pass between visits. But it was not a routine, and I know from childhood experience that routine is comforting and necessary. And now, we will have one. I also know, it will be different from anything they’ve ever done. And it will be an adjustment.

During the summer, it was easier — no early wake ups, no homework, and no after school activities. The custody agreement was designed with their best interests in mind, and they spend a good deal of time with their dad, which is great. It’s good for him, for them, and for me. They had questions about the logistics and I let them fire away. I took out a calendar and marked the days so they’d see how it would work, I encouraged them to talk with their father. I let them know it might feel strange at first, that we would take it slow, and that they could talk to either of us, or their therapist if it felt uncomfortable, difficult, or stressful.

It would be a transition but we live five minutes away from each other. Forget something at one house and need it for the next day? We’ll go pick it up. Have a really busy week and need to stay at one house because you’re working on a project and all your stuff is there? No problem. Out sick one day and just need to be where you woke up, all day, and the next? That’s fine.

My boys are very different when it comes to being flexible, and comfortable with change. My older son prefers routine and my younger son is less structured. As I expected, my older son was more anxious about the agreement. But, because my ex and I have listened to their needs, and have been flexible as to visitation, such as the random evening when the boys had half days last school year and my one son would say “I want to go to dinner with dad” or “I want to do a night swim at dad’s.” And if homework was done, “OK, text him and ask, it’s OK with me.” I want them to spend as much time with their dad as they can. I see this working out for everyone. They want to see their dad, he wants to be in their lives, and I don’t want to be a 24/7 single mom. Win, win, win.

Even children who like school, as mine do, get overwhelmed by transition. And children who have so much change at home can simply shut down, as mine did. Last year, when my husband and I split up, I let my sons’ teachers and administrators know. They were having a tough time emotionally and I wanted my “village” on alert. We are fortunate, because we chose this neighborhood for the schools; to have remarkable teachers, school counselors, and administrators was a support beyond belief.

My youngest, who has ADHD, became physically unable to take his pills. He’d choke on them. We had to find another solution, which we did. He was unable to go to school at first for days on end. He was completely non-functional. And his absences were forgiven, although he had a significant amount of make-up work. The school helped with a plan. He’d come in early for homework club, stay late, have tutors to help, and he did that until he got caught up. But at first, he stayed home. My other son would miss assignments. His teachers and I were in daily email contact and they helped make sure he stayed on track. His ADD, normally well managed, simply could not process the stress in his personal life and handle the rigors of seventh grade. He needed help. And he got it. And by the end of the year, he was fine.

My boys and I moved over the summer. We love our little house. They are both doing well. We have settled in. This is yet another transition, starting school. They’ve been traveling, staying up late, sleeping in; it’s going to be a rough first few weeks. And add to that a schedule where some days they come home to my house, and others their dad’s. I know they are already anxious.

One’s way of dealing with it has been to ask me over and over, “OK, so tell me again, which days am I going to Dad’s?” And I tell him. I show him on the calendar. I will put a calendar on the fridge with the days color-coded and remind him in the morning, and his father will, too. The other’s anxiety is simply “It’s too confusing, I can’t do it.” And I let him feel that. “I know it feels really overwhelming. It will be a little strange at first, I’ll remind you, and we’re going to try it.” I may get him different-colored plastic bracelets to wear for mom days and dad days, or something. I’ll talk with him this week about it. He’s very routine-oriented, so once things become routine, then he’s fine. It’s the anticipatory anxiety that gets him. I get it, I’m the same way. So, I can let him feel it, and not minimize it. There’s nothing more demoralizing than having your anxieties dismissed. They’re real.

I believe my boys will do well because we have set up the best solution for an unfortunate situation. What would be worse would be living under the same roof still, unhappy, tense, and fighting. So, happy mom in her house, happy dad in his, and happy kids with two houses five minutes apart. That’s a transition we can work with. Just feel the feelings, talk about them, and know they will come up at times of transition and let them out, and then let them go, knowing they’ll come back again.

The best way to make your kids feel safe is to listen. Listen and let them feel. “There’s no reason to be worried,” will shut your child down. Tell them, “I can see you’re really worried. What are you worried about?” and you’ve opened lines of communication forever.

You can read more from this author at In Other Words. This article was originally published on The Good Men Project as Back-to-School Transitions for Children of Divorce

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Jared Fogle’s Wife Filing for Divorce

5:45 PM PST – According to court records … Katie has officially filed a petition for divorce. Jared Fogle is losing more than his freedom …. he’s losing his wife, because she’s filing for divorce.  Katie Fogle wasted no…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Celebrity Justice


Where Ashley Madison Fits into Divorce Law

As more high-profile names surface among the millions of users of Ashley Madison, the hacked online dating service for married people seeking an extramarital affair, speculation continues about the divorce consequences for cheaters. So, what are they exactly?

As it turns out, the consequences would have been greater under previous family laws. For example, evidence of a cheating spouse would have been far more useful in the fault regime that dominated the U.S. before the 1970’s. Back then, to initiate a divorce, a spouse would have to prove one of several fault grounds, and adultery was one of them. Now, a spouse can initiate a divorce in any state without proving fault on the part of the other spouse by invoking the state’s stated no-fault grounds, such as irreconcilable differences or an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

Many states have extended their no-fault approach to property division. Thus, while previously a cheating spouse may have had to pay in the property division or alimony award for an extramarital affair, today many states do not take into consideration who caused the breakdown of the marriage when dividing a couple’s property. Some states do consider economic fault in the division, if one spouse depleted or misused marital assets. This rule may be invoked depending on how much an Ashley Madison experience, or a resulting affair, cost.

When it comes to the custody of children of the marriage, the children’s best interests dictate. Social mores and family laws do not recognize much of an impact of the parents’ sexual activities on the children’s best interests anymore, unless the sexual behavior is egregious enough to be deemed problematic for the children.

Although evidence of a cheating spouse would have been more useful in a previous era of family law, it is far easier to get such evidence today with the rise of the internet and social media, and so such evidence continues appearing in divorce cases. One survey found that Facebook is now cited in a third of divorces cases. In 2010, 81 percent of divorce lawyers surveyed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers saw an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence in the last five years, with Facebook being the top source for online evidence. Ashley Madison might just give Facebook a run for its money.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Chris Young felt dragged into Shelton’s divorce

Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are both as well as can be expected, according to their friend Chris Young.
Music-News.com RSS feed
The Best Concert Tickets in the Nation! $ 8 off any Event Ticket, Use Code: FALL8OFF at checkout with $ 40 minimum purchase. Find Tickets Now!

5 Things Your Divorce Attorney Wants To Tell You But Doesn’t

The relationship you have with your lawyer is sacrosanct. When you retain a lawyer, whether for a divorce or another issue, the lawyer is ethically charged with holding what you say to him/her as confidential. That means your attorney cannot talk about your case in public or to third parties without your consent.

There are exceptions to this, but I’ll save that for another article.

Going through a divorce is a stressful time. It’s stressful for both you as the person getting divorced and for the attorney who is representing you. There’s a saying within legal circles that “criminal law deals with bad people at their best and family law deals with good people at their worst.” From my experience, I can’t argue with that.

Put yourself in your attorneys shoes. How would you handle yourself in your case? Odds are it is not an easy situation. And, unless you hired an attorney who just graduated law school, you’re not your attorney’s only client. I know you don’t want to hear that, but…it’s true.

Divorce attorneys work hard to achieve favorable and fair results for their clients. Good clients appreciate the effort, even if things don’t always work out the way they hoped. Many clients are never happy, win or lose, and are not afraid to let their attorney know it. After all, who wants to spend all that money and feel like they lost? I get it.

Here are five things your attorney really wants to tell you, but doesn’t because he wants to maintain the relationship and keep you as a client. You’re better off knowing this though because it will influence your relationship with your lawyer and the value he/she provides to you.

1. You call too often. It’s true…you do. If you get your legal bill at the end of the month and you are astonished at how high it is…the culprit often times is the number of phone calls made to your attorney. Most attorneys charge on an hourly basis, which is stated in your retainer agreement. Clients pay for an attorney’s time.

Your attorney is not your therapist, although I play one on t.v. I always tell clients I will talk to you as long as you want, but don’t be surprised when you get the bill. I understand the client’s need to vent and talk it out. It’s very important, but that’s more the job of a therapist. If you’re going to spend money, might as well do so to a qualified professional counselor.

Your attorney will contact you when he/she needs something from you. There are periods in every case where nothing is going on and there is down time. Your attorney should give you periodic updates on the status of things and it’s ok to check in yourself, but daily calls are unnecessary and only run up your bill.

Try to handle little disputes with your spouse on your own. Then, if you can’t resolve it, think about how bad it really is and whether it’s worth it to involve your attorney. Good attorneys will tell their clients that something is not worth the cost of their time to fight it. In the end, it’s the client’s decision, but again…don’t complain when you get a high bill.

2. You don’t help him help you. Remember, your attorney is YOUR advocate, even if you don’t always feel that’s the case. However, he is not a mind reader. Your attorney can only work with what you tell him and what documents you give him to back up what you tell him. He cannot make it rain when the sun is out if you know what I mean.

My best clients are the ones who come to me prepared. I mean, they come to a meeting with a binder, organized with tabs for bank accounts, retirement accounts, credit card statements and any other documents I ask for or they think I will need. This cuts down the time I need to go through them and find what I’m looking for…which in turn lowers their bill!

Other times, clients just don’t listen to what their attorney tells them to do. Remember, an attorney charges for their time. The more time you make them spend on your case, or repeating themselves to you, the higher your bill will be.

Help your attorney help you!

3. You don’t listen to his advice when he gives it, so what’s the point? I had a case that involved a high conflict custody dispute. I told my client how to handle a certain situation when it came up and what happens? I get a call from this client to find out they did the exact opposite of what I told them and now they were in a pickle and expected me to get them out of it. I felt bad, BUT, if they had listened to me they wouldn’t be in this situation.

Attorneys expect clients to listen to them. That’s why they are there. If you as a client didn’t want to listen to your attorney, why did you hire them to begin with?

4. He can’t continue to represent you because you are not paying his bills. Attorneys are not free. They get paid for provide you with their time, knowledge and services. Now, it’s often the case in a divorce that money is tight and most attorneys are sensitive to this, but they have to pay their bills too and can’t work for free.

You can’t expect them to work for free. You don’t walk into a store and expect to take what you want and not pay, right?

You have to communicate with your attorney on a regular basis and if money becomes an issue, have that discussion. But, don’t ask your attorney to rush and file an emergency application because your ex is threatening not to give you the children on your weekend if you haven’t been paying your legal bill.

5. You chose to have children and now you have to parent them, either with your ex or alone. If I had to bet, I would say that one of the reasons you are getting divorced, or already divorced is because of conflicts with your spouse over parenting. It’s very common and one of the more stressful phases of a divorce. There is no way of getting around it though…you have to co-parent effectively with your ex, or you will be knee deep in court battles and conflict for years to come.

Your attorney is there to help you learn how to co-parent well. It is a learned skill set. You have to learn to accept and work with your spouse’s different parenting style. You won’t agree with everything they do, but unless it amounts to neglect or abuse, you will have no choice. This is the bed you made by choosing to have children with this person and now you have to learn to co-parent with them in a post divorce world.

I hope this wasn’t too harsh. Remember, your attorney is on YOUR side. A divorce is a roller coaster ride with its share of ups and downs. You are a team and you need to work together to get the best results for your case.

Jason Levoy, a/k/a The Divorce Resource Guy, is an attorney who teaches people without a lawyer how to navigate the divorce process and represent themselves in court. He regularly provides free advice via his blog, VIP newsletter and Private Divorce Facebook Group.

More from HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Top 10 Divorce Clichés

As a divorce lawyer for nearly 30 years, I have heard many things said over and over. Some ring true, some are born of anger and others concisely set forth the wisdom of those who have learned how to survive this sometimes terrible process. While narrowing it down to ten was a challenge, here are what I believe to be the ten most frequently heard clichés, statements or comments made by those going through a divorce.

10. It’s not about the money.
While I agree with this and most often divorce is not about money, but about closure, moving forward and protecting children, this statement is often made by those who are angry and feel like they must fight for “principle.” Unfortunately, rarely are “principles” vindicated; rather, judges often do their best to protect children, allocate rights and duties regarding children and divide money and debts as best they can, and often as quickly as they can. There is no time left for the judge to consider or comment on the “principle.”

9. Just wait until the judge hears what he/she did.
This is similar to fighting about principle. So many people truly want the judge to hear how bad their spouse is and they hope that will translate into a favorable ruling. Unfortunately the judge is and must be more concerned with how to shape the children’s future environment and how to divide the family’s assets and debts. And the conduct of one spouse towards the other is often much less important to a judge than it is to the parties.

8. I can’t believe they are going to bring that up.
Also similar, but sort of the reverse of number 9. Many people have minimized their own contributions to the end of the relationship and are shocked to learn that the other side is still mad about something that may have happened years ago. Hurt feelings can last a lifetime and divorce is when they usually surface.

7. I want him/her to go to jail for perjury.
Yes people lie. They lie out of court and sometimes in court. But rarely is it prosecuted as a crime. The reasons vary but most often this is because it is hard to prove 100% (or “beyond a reasonable doubt”) that they are lying, or the lying is not particularly relevant or important to the court (like lying about whether you had 1 affair or 2). Perjury is a crime and the criminal courts have insufficient time to prosecute even all of the major crimes brought before them. While perjury prosecutions arising from a divorce case do sometimes occur, they are rare.

6. I’d rather pay my lawyer than pay my spouse anything.
Similar to number 10, but in a way, worse. Divorce lawyers hear this often and must remind clients that they will not feel that way forever and that it is foolish. Good lawyers dissuade clients from feeling this way.

5. I don’t care how long it takes.
Yes people going through a divorce say this, often. But it is usually said by someone who did not want the divorce and does not want the other spouse to move on with their life (especially if the other spouse has a new love interest).

4. Can’t you tell the judge a what a jerk he/she is?
Similar to number 9, but again, people believe that if we can prove how bad the other is, it makes them look better by comparison. However, the opposite is usually true. They are then sinking to the same level and getting into a tit-for-tat argument instead of rising above and reaching a peaceful resolution, if for no other reason than for the kids’ sake.

3. I want a “shark” for a lawyer.
It is incredible how often people think that a mean, aggressive lawyer is what is best. Eventually most people realize that this is not what is most likely to bring them successful resolution. A good lawyer will certainly be zealous in their representation, but will also look for and find ways to resolve the case short of a full blown trial. And being an angry shark rarely helps bring peaceful resolution. A lawyer can be strong without being over-the-top aggressive. Subtle and quiet strength often goes much farther with a judge.

2. He’s a narcissist.
Well sometimes we hear “She’s a narcissist,” but much more often the claim is made that the husband is one. Boiled down to an overused cliché, it has come to mean, at least to me, that the other side only cares about him or herself. Almost everyone going through a divorce feels this way to some degree about their spouse.

1. It’s just stuff.
This is perhaps my favorite because when I hear it, I understand that the client is ready to move forward and resolve all pending issues. Furniture, assets, even money is just “stuff.” What most people truly want is happiness and closure. They want a future and until they resolve the divorce, there can be no closure and their future is obstructed. Once they determine that what they are fighting over is “just stuff’, they are on the path to finishing the divorce process.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Pretty Little Liars’ Nia Peeples Files for Divorce From Husband Sam George

This Pretty Little Liars star is going through something that’s not so pretty.

E! News confirms that TV actress Nia Peeples has filed for divorce against her surfer husband Sam…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Daryl Hall’s Wife Files for Divorce

She’s gone! Hall and Oates may have just celebrated the 35th anniversary of their album “Voices”, but Darryl Hall and his with Amanda Aspinall will not be celebrating their 7th marriage anniversary. The Rock and Roll Hall of Famer’s British socialite wife of 6 years has filed for divorce claiming the marriage was irretrievably broken. Reports say Daryl will allegedly not contest the claims as long as the prenup is observed. Cue the “She can’t go for that…no can do.”
News, reviews, interviews and more for top artists and albums – MSN Music
ADULT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS UPDATE:Gabby Love’s top pick! Click and enjoy!

Friends Do Let Friends Divorce

Making a book about divorce from a kid’s perspective was, at first, just for me. I wanted to do justice to this family upheaval, so I wrote a story I could relate to and made all the pictures. With every page I completed, I felt calmer, reassured, and most of all, not lied to.

Then recently, divorce struck a little too close to home, and I flipped right out.

A family I love faces divorce. Children I feel connected to are reacting to the news. And I am a child again. Night fills me with dread. My sleep is disturbed — not every night, but many, as this outcome has become clear and become final.

For weeks, a favorite title by Alice Walker has wafted around my head like the scent of honeysuckle, like ancient grandmothers, whispering the secret of life: “The way forward is with a broken heart.”

I have gotten too involved (I can fix it!) and hunted for bad guys (who is to blame for this?). Just as it did when I was a kid, this path of much resistance has culminated, a few times already now, with me feeling totally ashamed and apologizing for everything, literally everything — for being a person who exists and has feelings.

“The way forward is with a broken heart,” Walker reminds me.

I remind myself that I’m for letting kids’ hearts break over something worthwhile. That’s what I’m about — acknowledging that a crisis in their family, a rupture in an important relationship, a broken or lost something (baby blanket, beloved toy) are all “something to cry about” and we would do well to let them. Everyone will grow.

Trying to keep kids’ hearts from breaking over something real only increases the likelihood that their spirits may break instead, and that is much worse. For one thing, you rarely notice the moment when it happened.

Heartbreak can often be traced to an event, such as the day your parents told you their marriage was over or the day your best friend moved away. There’s a crrrrack down the center of things that you can mark and honor. My Syrian grandmother used to write “Sad Day” on her calendar in gorgeous cursive and underline it three times. Every year, those days came round again, usually commemorating the death of a friend or family member, and she made sure to notice.

But spirits break more quietly. Over the course of an entire childhood, for example, in a family where your still-married parents don’t connect with one another, have disdain for one another, or remain unfulfilled, unconscious and far away from whatever first drew them together.

Anne Lamott has said about the benefits of divorce that “…nothing is more damaging to a child than to be raised by miserable parents.” She also notes that “single parents have some of the greatest, most-loved and well-balanced kids around.”

I believe this. And along with Lamott and Walker, I’ve summoned other truth tellers to ease my worried mind, such as the writers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who set this gem into the season three finale, delivered by Whistler:

“Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.”

A few times lately, I have walked myself through the pages of Divorce Is the Worst, kicking the tires, checking to see if it’s sturdy enough to hold even my grown-up sadness. “Their reasons are theirs, not yours” beams at me from page 45. Get in your place, it tells me.

Just like that other one, this divorce is not up to me.

My only role is to embody Walker’s words, appropriate to every kind of crisis and at every stage of life: “The way forward is with a broken heart.” Children are watching; they need to see it can be done so they trust their own hearts to break without the whole world ending.

Then I remember that this is my favorite part of being an adult — having to see and say and do the difficult, brave thing so that kids can too. Change is constant. No apologies necessary for the feelings that come up. It’s always a good time to notice what we notice, about ourselves and those who care for us.

This is how we find out who we are. This is how we grow up.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Why Divorce Brings out the Lawyers (And How to Avoid It!)

There’s a men’s support group I speak to once in a while. I really enjoy it. It’s full of other dads who have experienced divorce, and it’s a chance for these guys to communicate and express themselves. Whenever I go, I find it empowering and amazing to be part of that journey. Seeing grown men vulnerable, with an open heart wanting to move on in a healthy way is a wonderful thing.

It’s great to share and hear what other guys are going through, so you don’t feel isolated, and alone.

Whatever you go through in life, you can be sure other people are going through it too. Our situations are not as unique as we think they are. When you’re ready to be around and communicate with other like-minded individuals on a similar journey, it’s something I highly recommend.

One of the guys in the group has been having a problem lately with his ex. He’s a good guy. He has a couple of kids and he fully supports his ex, financially and with co-parenting. The problem is, she constantly takes jabs at him, as if they’re still married.

His focus is on being a good father to his children. He’s made an effort to apologize and make amends for the part he played in the relationship breaking down. Yet she’s still angry at him, she still feels wronged by what happened between them. She hasn’t let go or moved on.

It got to the point in his divorce where the kids were becoming a battle. He looked at me and he said, “You know, this is the last thing I wanted to do, but I can’t talk to this person anymore. It’s all about her. I want to get a lawyer. I want the lawyer to talk to her.”

Unfortunately, this is all too common and really sad. Lawyers are just paid henchmen going after whatever they can get. I’ve seen too many divorces go that direction, where the lawyers have ripped it to pieces. I told him he needed to try and make it work, for himself and his kids. He said. “David, I can’t stand having this person not listening, and now using my kids as pawns.”

It makes me sad. Two people who once loved each other enough to be together and to start a family, now can’t even face talking to each other. It makes the problem exponentially worse once you start using children as pawns.

The key is compassion, and acceptance that all relationships are 50/50. Each person is partly responsible for everything that happens in the beginning, middle, and end of the relationship. It’s never just one partner who causes the end. Until you accept joint responsibility, you’re going to run the risk of the lawyers taking over and ripping it to shreds.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

8 Pieces Of Advice For Divorce In Your 20s

It’s easy to be hard on yourself when going through divorce in your 20s. While all your friends are busy planning their weddings on Pinterest, you’re planning a new life without your spouse and dealing with mounting legal bills. 

To make the process a little easier, we asked experts — divorce lawyers, psychologists and financial advisors — to offer their best advice. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Chalk the divorce up to a lapse in judgment. 

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like a failure for splitting up in your 20s. Forgive yourself and remember that you were young and maybe a little naive when you said “I do,” said Andra Brosh, a Los Angeles-based psychologist. 

 ”The truth is that you probably landed here because of a lapse in judgment and unrealistic expectations of the relationship,” she said. “Blame it on your brain; some research has suggested that the brain is not fully mature or developed until well into your 20s.” 

2. Learn from the mistakes you made in your marriage. 

You’re only allowed to sulk about splitting up for so long. Eventually, you need to reframe your thinking and see the divorce as a stepping stone to personal growth, said Antonio Borrello, a Detroit-based psychologist. Ultimately, divorce should teach you what you need to do differently in order to have a healthier, longer lasting relationship the next time around, he explained. 

“You’ll still need to work on whatever it was that killed your marriage even after you get out,” he said. “If you don’t, you’ll drag that junk into your next relationship. Develop some insight and take ownership of the part you played in the downfall of your marriage.” 

3. Be wary of rebounding. 

Yes, you’re still young and Tinder is very tempting, but for your own well-being, it might be best to take a dating and relationship hiatus, said dating coach Neely Steinberg. 

“Spend time developing your independence and discovering who you are outside of a relationship,” she said. “Understand that your existence is not validated by you being in a relationship or by another person. You validate you. Once you are good by yourself and you love who you are on your own, then maybe take a small, smart step to move forward again in your dating life.”

4. Consider mediation as an alternative to litigation. 

There’s one advantage young divorcés have over those who go through the process later in life: You likely have less marital assets to divvy up (property, retirement accounts, etc.) and no children to shield from ugly custody battles. Given that, you may want to forgo traditional litigation and consider meeting with a mediator to work out the terms of your divorce, said divorce coach Laura Miolla.

“It’s faster, cheaper and gives you far more control over the process and the agreement you end up with,” she explained. “With less to negotiate, mediation is your best path to divorce without the huge bite out of your bank account in legal fees.” 

5. Shared debt may complicate the process.

You might not have much property to divide but you may have shared debt. If you split your joint debt (“I’ll be responsible for this credit card, if you’re responsible for that one”), know that complications could arise later, said certified divorce financial analyst Donna Cheswick.

“Where I see problems occur is when one spouse fails to make monthly payments or files for bankruptcy,” Cheswick said. “If this occurs, the creditors can, and will, go after either party to recoup the full amount of the debt, plus interest and penalties. Lenders don’t care what the couple agreed to in their divorce agreement. They see the credit as a legal obligation of both parties and will enforce the debt obligation, regardless of marital status.”

6. Don’t rant about your divorce on social media.  

The drama between you and your ex may be as juicy and compelling as an episode of “Empire,” but your Facebook friends really don’t need to hear about it. What’s more, ranting about your ex could cost you big time in court, said Adam Kielich, a family law attorney based in Dallas. 

“Social media creates all sorts of problems in litigation,” he said. “It might be satisfying to skewer your spouse in front of friends and family on Facebook but the satisfaction will quickly dissipate if it gets back to your spouse and becomes a conflict in the divorce. You never know what seemingly innocent post or picture might become important evidence in your divorce.” 

7. Take comfort in your friends. 

When you do need to rant, call up your closest friends and family and bare your heart to them, suggested psychologist Borrello. That said, keep in mind that since your friends are ultimately #TeamYou, their advice may be a little one-sided.

“Your friends and family will instinctually blame your ex,” he said. “Don’t allow that to get in the way of you investigating the dynamics of the failed relationship and the factors that you contributed to the breakup.” 

8. See your divorce as a gift, not a failure. 

Once you’ve taken accountability for the part you played in your marriage’s downfall, stop obsessing over why it didn’t last and task yourself with moving on, said Miolla. 

“There’s no power in endless obsessing, only judgment and shame — two things that will never serve you well,” she said. “Focus instead on what you are learning from this experience — about yourself, about relationships, about love.”

While you’re at it, remind yourself that you shared some really good times with your ex, too.

“Celebrate that you did love. And you will again,” Miolla said. “Use this experience to define what you want for yourself, what you insist on and what you won’t allow in your life anymore. Divorce can be a gift if it teaches you.”

More from HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Daryl Hall — She’s Gone … Wife Files For Divorce

Daryl Hall did not make his wife’s dreams come true, because she’s filed for divorce. Amanda Jane Hall filed legal docs to end their 6-year marriage. The docs were filed back in May but just surfaced. They had a prenup. Hall, half of the legendary…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


Most Americans Don’t Think Divorce Is A Sin

(RNS) In a summer of celebrity splits — Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Miss Piggy and Kermit — a question comes up for many Christians.

Is it a sin — cohabitating Muppets aside — to break up a marriage?

If you’ve got a good reason for divorce — adultery, abuse, addiction or abandonment — fewer than 1 in 4 Americans would call that a sin, a new LifeWay Research survey finds.

The survey of 1,000 U.S. adults finds only a minority would call divorce a sin even when:

  • There’s adultery (39 percent).
  • The two people no longer love each other (38 percent).
  • One spouse has abandoned the other (38 percent).
  • One spouse is abusing the other (37 percent).
  • A spouse is addicted to pornography (35 percent).

However, 37 percent say divorce is not a sin in any of those circumstances.

People who identify as Christians were slightly more likely to see sin in those divorcing over abuse (43 percent) or abandonment (43 percent) or pornography addiction (39 percent).

And more than 4 in 10 Protestants (43 percent) think it’s sinful for couples to split over a lack of love, according to the survey, which has an overall margin of error of plus or minus 3.5 percentage points.

“Hopefully, they are basing their view of what is sin by what the Bible says,” said Scott McConnell, vice president of LifeWay Research.

“Clearly in Scripture, God indicates that he doesn’t like divorce. But Jesus did have things to say about this.”

In Matthew 19:6, Jesus tells the Pharisees: “What God has joined together, man must not separate.” However, Jesus adds an exception in verse 8 — “sexual immorality.”

A second survey, of 1,000 Protestant pastors, found that 61 percent saw sin in couples giving up a loveless marriage.

The surveys of all Americans and of pastors were conducted in September 2014, when celebs Lambert and Shelton, Garner and Affleck and the Muppet couple, about to star in a new TV show, were all presumably still together.

Last week, Miss Piggy squealed about her breakup on Facebook in a perfect parody of celebrity split announcements:

“After careful thought, thoughtful consideration and considerable squabbling, Kermit the Frog and moi have made the difficult decision to terminate our romantic relationship. Our personal lives are now distinct and separate, and we will be seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al. This is our only comment on this private matter … unless we get the right offer.”

It would appear they no longer love each other. No sin in that, many would say.

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Daryl Hall’s wife files for divorce

Amanda Aspinall, the wife of Daryl Hall, has filed for divorce from the singer after six years.
Music-News.com RSS feed
The Best Concert Tickets in the Nation! $ 8 off any Event Ticket, Use Code: FALL8OFF at checkout with $ 40 minimum purchase. Find Tickets Now!

Handling Credit Card Debt During and After Divorce

Divorce can drain funds from the checking account. The attorney needs a retainer. (And likely, so does one of the kids!) You need money to pay consultants and maybe a custody evaluator or other experts. Perhaps you’ve set up a new household. And maybe you haven’t worked in a decade so your employment options include volunteering to get experience or a minimum wage part time job that doesn’t come close to meeting the rent and utilities.

Whether you’re slamming down the credit card to cover the lawyer’s fees, first and last month’s rent for a new apartment, or the kids’ school supplies, credit card debt is easy to rack up. Before long, you’re anxiously dodging monthly statements, hoping there’s enough to cover minimum payments, and realizing you’ll probably owe money for decades.

Los Angeles attorney and Certified Family Law Specialist Steve Mindel, managing partner at Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt, & Klein, says there are numerous levels of credit and debt for divorcing women who may not have established credit in their own names. No matter where you are in the divorce process, there are key issues to address.

Establish Credit. While you’re in the planning stages, establish credit in your own name. Life without credit is almost impossible in America today.

Know Your Credit Score. You’ll not only be dividing assets but also assigning debt. Ascertain what’s in your name, what’s in your husband’s, and what you hold jointly.

Talk to a Financial Planner or Accountant. You’ll have lots of financial decisions ahead of you as you proceed through divorce. When you liquidate assets like a house or IRA distributions, you’ll need to assess if it’s better to use the money to pay high interest credit cards or to leave where the money where it is and pay monthly. You’ll take a beating but will have cash. If you aren’t in that league, you can still contact the Better Business Bureau to find nonprofit debt review entities.


Split Custody of the Cards.
Divide credit card debts between the two of you. “You get the Amex and Citibank Visa; I’ll take the Nordstrom and Bloomingdale’s.”

Consider a Loan from a Peer to Peer Lending Platform. Peerform Lending’s Gregg Schoenberg says, “We’re trying to be in the best position to facilitate loans that often beat credit cards, which are very expensive. The sector has definitely picked up steam since the financial crisis. Banks are concerned about plugging holes in the balance sheets and innovation has filled the void. Marketplace lenders like Peerform Lending have been growing.”

Consolidate Debts. Schoenberg says marketplace loans are absolutely good for debt consolidation. “If a woman who is in the process of going through or has gone through a divorce needs to get her financial house in order, the idea of paying significantly less in many cases than what credit cards charge each month can make very good financial sense,” he adds.

Use a Short Term Loan for Large Purchases. “You wouldn’t buy a house on a credit card,” adds Schoenberg. “If you have a specific expenditure like moving expenses, furniture, or medical bills, a term loan can make sense. But, traditional banks don’t like to extend term loans to people who actually need the money.”

Don’t Cut Up All Your Credit Cards. Research FICO scores. Keeping a zero balance and charging from time to time rather than closing credit accounts may keep you in good stead.

Create a Strategy. Recognize there are different ways to finance purchases. Schoenberg says he believes in debt segmentation as part of an overall financial strategy to get control over every dollar spent. “I believe that part of that strategy needs to involve discipline. Knowing when you borrow $ 8,000 for X and paying every month can be a very effective tool versus using a credit card with a high limit.”

Scale Back Expenses to Match Income. Mike Cardoza, family law expert and author of “The Secret World of Debt Collection” says, “Don’t count 100 percent on child support or maintenance, which may be late. You may need to save money to sue for enforcement of payments. If you work for $ 25,000 a year and have child support and maintenance on top of that, aim for disposable income of $ 300-500 per month.”

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Daryl Hall’s Wife Files for Divorce

Sad news for Daryl Hall, half of singing duo Daryl Hall & John Oates: His wife, Amanda Aspinall, has filed for divorce, Billboard has…
Billboard.com Music News

Hot entertainment tips and specials!
Download FREE Music for your iPod® or any MP3 player!

Need those hard to get tickets?
Call Now: 877-516-9953

10 Lessons My Divorce Taught Me About Lasting Love

I’ve learned a lot of lessons over the last 20 years since my divorce. It dawned on me recently that even though I didn’t have a divorce party (just wasn’t in the mood) it doesn’t mean that I can’t mark the 20th anniversary of my divorce in some way. So here it goes, my list of the 10 most important lessons I’ve learned in the last two decades:

1. Your partner is not going to change. In other words, you can’t change a cat into a dog. Love just isn’t enough to significantly alter a person’s basic nature and upbringing. For instance, if you fall in love with someone who is reserved and you need outward signs of affection to feel secure, you’ll feel chronically dissatisfied. Most likely, these differences will probably erode loving feelings over time and diminish positive interactions in your relationship.

2. Rather than trying to “fix” your partner, focus on improving your own life. Many people stay in dysfunctional relationships with the unconscious desire to change their partner and avoid dealing with their own issues. According to codependency and relationship expert, Ross Rosenberg, this pattern is common and couples often stay in highly dysfunctional relationships to their own detriment. Rosenberg notes, “The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist).” Rather than investing your energy into fixing your partner, make a commitment to improve some of your undesirable traits – we’re all flawed in some way.

3. Opposites attract but usually don’t stay together. Rosenberg describes opposites as “human magnets” who are irresistibly pulled toward each other, not so much by their conscious decisions or intentions, but rather by their opposite “magnetic field.” He writes, “Such partners with complimentary magnetic roles are irresistibly drawn together and locked into a relationship that is nearly impossible to resist or break free of.” He posits that couples who are opposites are immune to breakups due to the amorous nature of their relationship magnetism – unless one partner moves in a healthier direction, and the other one doesn’t follow.

4. Avoid jumping into an intimate relationship too quickly. The idea here is to take it slow, really, really slow. Slowing down the pace of your relationship, regardless of the impulse many people feel to move things along quickly, will give you the opportunity to get to know your partner better. The odds of seeing the truth of the relationship increase when we take time to get to know someone, according to psychologist Kristin M. Davin, PsyD. She advises “many become sexually involved before they’re ready and potentially problematic issues get obscured until much later in the relationship. I see this all the time. Date. Talk. Really get to know each other.” In my case, I knew my ex for less than a year when we became engaged so I was blindsided by many of our differences.

5. Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move forward with your life. Accept that people usually do the best they can and try to be more understanding. This doesn’t mean that you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view and give them less power over you. In the future, if your relationship is basically healthy, develop a mindset of acceptance and forgiveness about daily disappointments. After all, none of us is perfect. Don’t let resentment impact you greatly and try to let go of small annoyances.

6. Sweeping things under the rug usually doesn’t reap good results. Communicate honestly about key issues in your relationship. Be sure to be forthcoming about your concerns. Express thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Resentment can build when couples bury hurt feelings, so be vulnerable and don’t allow upset feelings to fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about holding onto hurt feelings. When we listen to our partner’s side of the story and process it briefly with them, we no longer need to hold onto hurt feelings.

7. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute. One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Drs. Julie and John Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.” Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings and promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on. Love is not enough. Saying you’re sorry can heal a wound even when you didn’t hurt your partner’s feelings intentionally. Resentment builds over time if couples aren’t able to talk about hurt feelings that arise from unresolved grievances.

8. Develop a Hurt-Free Zone policy. This term coined by author David Akiva refers to a period when criticism is not allowed. Without it, couples usually feel less defensive thus hurt feelings and rejection dissolve. Akiva writes: “Your prime directive right now is to eliminate the most toxic negative communication and reduce intense negative emotions for 3 to 4 weeks.”

9. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help you weather the storms of life, it can also rob you of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give. If you have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Opening up to your partner can make you feel vulnerable and exposed but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship. If you can’t be vulnerable with your partner, this is a red flag so pay attention!

10. Learn to trust your own judgment. If you find yourself saying things like “I knew things were awful and I should have ended it earlier” you may need to pay attention to your inner voice or intuition. Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a failure. Rather it probably means it just wasn’t the right one for you. According to Kristin M. Davin, PsyD. “we tend to ignore red flags because we want to be in a relationship. She posits “we put on our rose-colored glasses and off we go. Throw the glasses away and trust your gut.”

In sum, I don’t regret a moment of my past — or decision to get a divorce. But I’ll keep this list close at hand as a reminder of lessons learned. I hope it helps you move forward and find the kind of love that allows you to be your best self and embrace all that life has to offer!

Follow Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Daryl Hall’s Wife Files For Divorce After Six Years Of Marriage

 Hall & Oates singer Daryl Hall is headed for divorce.

The musician’s wife Amanda Aspinall has filed for divorce after six years of marriage, Page Six reported Thursday.

The docs were reportedly filed back in May; TMZ reports that the couple has a prenup.  

Hall, 68, is currently on a summer tour across the U.S. with John Oates. This will be the blue-eyed singer’s second divorce; he was previously married to to Bryna Lublin from 1969 to 1972. 

Aspinall is the daughter of the late British zoo owner and gambling tycoon John Aspinall. The pair, who married in 2009, have no children together but Aspinall has two kids on her own. 

More from HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

7 Words To Live By During Divorce

When we first launched HuffPost Divorce in 2010, we featured a series called “Divorce Aphorisms of the Day.” 

The series — just like the section itself — was the brainchild of the late Nora Ephron, a woman whose wit and wisdom on the subject of divorce and heartbreak is unparalleled. 

“It crosses our mind that there’s far too much attention paid to aphorisms about falling in love and not nearly enough to those about falling out of love,” Ephron wrote in the introduction. 

She was absolutely right. In homage to Ephron — and because quotes about heartbreak really should be given more due — we’re relaunching the series with the help of our readers. Was there a saying, quote or mantra that helped you move on during your divorce? We want to hear it! Send the quote and a few sentences about it to divorce@huffingtonpost.com for consideration. 

This week, writer Jennifer Iacovelli shares the straight-shooting saying that made the divorce process less stressful. The divorced mom and HuffPost blogger recently marked the one year anniversary of her divorce. 

Read what she had to say about the quote below: 

“Coming up with an agreement with my ex was the most stressful and emotional thing I have ever experienced. In the heat of it all, the saying that got me through it — and still does every now and then — was ‘do no harm but take no shit.’ It was a good reminder to keep myself on the high road but stand my ground when it was necessary. Our divorce was finalized on what would have been my 14-year wedding anniversary. Interestingly enough, I recently found a shirt with the quote on it. I love it!”  – Jennifer Iacovelli, writer at Another Jennifer 

Check out the slideshow for more quotes that inspired our readers:

 

 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

8 Pieces Of Advice For Divorce In Your 20s

It’s easy to be hard on yourself when going through divorce in your 20s. While all your friends are busy planning their weddings on Pinterest, you’re planning a new life without your spouse and dealing with mounting legal bills. 

To make the process a little easier, we asked experts — divorce lawyers, psychologists and financial advisors — to offer their best advice. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Chalk the divorce up to a lapse in judgment. 

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like a failure for splitting up in your 20s. Forgive yourself and remember that you were young and maybe a little naive when you said “I do,” said Andra Brosh, a Los Angeles-based psychologist. 

 ”The truth is that you probably landed here because of a lapse in judgment and unrealistic expectations of the relationship,” she said. “Blame it on your brain; some research has suggested that the brain is not fully mature or developed until well into your 20s.” 

2. Learn from the mistakes you made in your marriage. 

You’re only allowed to sulk about splitting up for so long. Eventually, you need to reframe your thinking and see the divorce as a stepping stone to personal growth, said Antonio Borrello, a Detroit-based psychologist. Ultimately, divorce should teach you what you need to do differently in order to have a healthier, longer lasting relationship the next time around, he explained. 

“You’ll still need to work on whatever it was that killed your marriage even after you get out,” he said. “If you don’t, you’ll drag that junk into your next relationship. Develop some insight and take ownership of the part you played in the downfall of your marriage.” 

3. Be wary of rebounding. 

Yes, you’re still young and Tinder is very tempting, but for your own well-being, it might be best to take a dating and relationship hiatus, said dating coach Neely Steinberg. 

“Spend time developing your independence and discovering who you are outside of a relationship,” she said. “Understand that your existence is not validated by you being in a relationship or by another person. You validate you. Once you are good by yourself and you love who you are on your own, then maybe take a small, smart step to move forward again in your dating life.”

4. Consider mediation as an alternative to litigation. 

There’s one advantage young divorcés have over those who go through the process later in life: You likely have less marital assets to divvy up (property, retirement accounts, etc.) and no children to shield from ugly custody battles. Given that, you may want to forgo traditional litigation and consider meeting with a mediator to work out the terms of your divorce, said divorce coach Laura Miolla.

“It’s faster, cheaper and gives you far more control over the process and the agreement you end up with,” she explained. “With less to negotiate, mediation is your best path to divorce without the huge bite out of your bank account in legal fees.” 

5. Shared debt may complicate the process.

You might not have much property to divide but you may have shared debt. If you split your joint debt (“I’ll be responsible for this credit card, if you’re responsible for that one”), know that complications could arise later, said certified divorce financial analyst Donna Cheswick.

“Where I see problems occur is when one spouse fails to make monthly payments or files for bankruptcy,” Cheswick said. “If this occurs, the creditors can, and will, go after either party to recoup the full amount of the debt, plus interest and penalties. Lenders don’t care what the couple agreed to in their divorce agreement. They see the credit as a legal obligation of both parties and will enforce the debt obligation, regardless of marital status.”

6. Don’t rant about your divorce on social media.  

The drama between you and your ex may be as juicy and compelling as an episode of “Empire,” but your Facebook friends really don’t need to hear about it. What’s more, ranting about your ex could cost you big time in court, said Adam Kielich, a family law attorney based in Dallas. 

“Social media creates all sorts of problems in litigation,” he said. “It might be satisfying to skewer your spouse in front of friends and family on Facebook but the satisfaction will quickly dissipate if it gets back to your spouse and becomes a conflict in the divorce. You never know what seemingly innocent post or picture might become important evidence in your divorce.” 

7. Take comfort in your friends. 

When you do need to rant, call up your closest friends and family and bare your heart to them, suggested psychologist Borrello. That said, keep in mind that since your friends are ultimately #TeamYou, their advice may be a little one-sided.

“Your friends and family will instinctually blame your ex,” he said. “Don’t allow that to get in the way of you investigating the dynamics of the failed relationship and the factors that you contributed to the breakup.” 

8. See your divorce as a gift, not a failure. 

Once you’ve taken accountability for the part you played in your marriage’s downfall, stop obsessing over why it didn’t last and task yourself with moving on, said Miolla. 

“There’s no power in endless obsessing, only judgment and shame — two things that will never serve you well,” she said. “Focus instead on what you are learning from this experience — about yourself, about relationships, about love.”

While you’re at it, remind yourself that you shared some really good times with your ex, too.

“Celebrate that you did love. And you will again,” Miolla said. “Use this experience to define what you want for yourself, what you insist on and what you won’t allow in your life anymore. Divorce can be a gift if it teaches you.”

More from HuffPost: 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Gay Voices – The Huffington Post

Chemistry.com gay - First Date 300x250

Miranda Lambert Speaks Out About Divorce During Country Music Concert: I Deserve a Drink!

Miranda Lambert isn’t afraid to get a little personal onstage.

Friday evening was another big show for the country singer who helped make night two of WE Fest 2015 in Detroit Lakes,…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Singers Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale to divorce – reports

Aug 04 – Singer Gwen Stefani has filed for divorce from rockstar husband Gavin Rossdale after 13 years of marriage, according to several news reports. John Russell reports.


Reuters Video: Entertainment

Find your Soulmate Live webcam chat!

Miranda Lambert — Divorce Left Me Thirsty … I Need A Drink

Miranda Lambert was on the hunt for drinking buddies Friday night in Minnesota  … telling her fans that booze is a good tonic for divorce. Miranda was performing at WE Fest, when she blurted out, “I wish I’ve been drinking all day.  I deserve…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


‘The hardest thing I’ve ever done’: Jake Owen announces divorce from wife

Jake Owen and his wife, Lacey Buchanan, are ending their marriage of three years, the country singer announced Friday via Twitter.


TODAY Pop Culture

Live webcam sex! More than 20000 Hot Girls are waiting for you!

Mariah Carey — Nick Cannon’s Dragging His Feet in Our Divorce (VIDEO)

Mariah Carey is nothing if not deliciously diabolical … we found out she had dinner with her divorce lawyers this week to come up with a plan to put the screws to Nick Cannon, who’s dragging his feet in their divorce, and…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale to divorce

After nearly 13 years of marriage, rockers Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are splitting up.


CNN.com – Entertainment

GamersGate: The World's Largest Online Game Store

Donald Sterling Files For Divorce Amid Battle For Clippers Ownership

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling sought a divorce from his wife of nearly 60 years on Wednesday as he continues to battle her over ownership of the team.

Sterling, 81, cited “irreconcilable differences” in in paperwork submitted to the Los Angeles Superior Court, attorney Bobby Samini said. That paperwork was rejected by the court as incomplete, but Samini said the form would be fixed and resubmitted soon Wednesday.

Representatives for Shelly Sterling did not immediately return requests for comment.

The filing comes two weeks before the couple’s 60th anniversary and about four months after a judge ordered V. Stiviano — a woman who Shelly Sterling alleged was her husband’s mistress — to turn over the keys to a $ 1.8 million house that Donald Sterling bought her and to pay Shelly Sterling about $ 800,000 that her husband showered on the younger woman in cash, a Ferrari and other luxury vehicles.

The ruling came nearly a year after a recording of Donald Sterling telling Stiviano not to associate with black people led the NBA to ban him for life and fine him $ 2.5 million. The recording was leaked weeks after Shelly Sterling sued Stiviano, alleging she was her husband’s mistress.

While Shelly Sterling acknowledged marital problems, she said the couple never separated even though she had divorce papers drawn up.

The couple testified at trial last month in Los Angeles Superior Court about their enduring love for each other, displaying cards they gave each other for anniversaries and birthdays.

Despite making nice during the trial, Donald Sterling is suing his wife and the NBA in federal court over the $ 2 billion sale of the team. She negotiated the deal with ex-Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer after doctors found Donald Sterling incompetent to handle his business affairs.

___

Follow Tami Abdollah on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/latams .

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

13 Reasons A Divorce Is Anything But A Failure

Most of us marry with the best of intentions: kids, a scrappy dog from the pound, a happy, healthy home — and when the kids are older, growing old and gray together. 

No one goes into a marriage expecting to divorce — but it happens. And if does happen (to you, or someone you love), calling the split a “failed marriage” is pretty off the mark. There were undoubtedly happy times in the marriage, kids may have been brought into the world, and more than likely, the couple spent a good deal of time trying to repair the relationship before deciding to divorce.

As a reminder that good can come of a marriage ending, we asked our readers on Facebook to share how they feel about the idea that divorce is a failure – and to share the reasons their marriages were of value, even if they didn’t last. See what they had to say below. 

 1. It was a stepping stone to a better life. 

“My ‘failed’ marriage made me who I am today. The marriage wasn’t a failure. It was a necessary stepping stone. It was a relationship, full of choices, some with unfortunate outcomes. It ended for various reasons but my children, the life lessons and the growth I’ve shown since have all been successes.”  – Aubrey Keefer

2. Spending decades with one person is hardly a “failure.”  

3. A marriage where your needs aren’t met teaches you the importance of self-care.

“I didn’t fail at marriage. I gave everything I had to my marriage. I failed myself. I let my marriage become the only thing that mattered, risking my own health in the process.” — Beth Ellen Vasquez 

4. Sometimes, losing a marriage means regaining your health. 

“After we separated, I had two surgeries I needed. I had avoided taking care of myself for so long.” —  Kris Russ 

5. You and your ex had great times together.

“Why wasn’t my marriage a failure? Because when it was good, it was what people dream of having…” – Maia Benusis

6. It provides a chance to reinvent yourself. 

“My unexpected divorce and job loss earlier this year has given me a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time with my beautiful teenagers, reinvent my life and rediscover the true me. That’s a great opportunity at 50, not failure.” – Liz Kay

 7. Two words: Your kids. 

8. Divorce forces you to become a stronger, more effective parent. 
“Divorce made me discover the much-needed strength I had buried deep inside of me for my two boys and for myself.” — Jen Elnar Parker 

9. Think of it this way: Your relationship just had an expiration date. 

“I prefer to think my marriage was successful, it simply had a surprising and unexpected expiration date. After being married for 30 years, it took a couple of years post-divorce to come to this conclusion!”  -– Vicki Richards 

10. You put in everything to make it work. 

“I gave it my best. My children told me they just wanted to see me happy and these days, I’m happy.” – Carrie Spence

11. You might become a better person and parent after divorce. 

“Along with two amazing kids, I have a better relationship now with their mom than when we were married. We’ve given up a shared house and bed for being better people — in my mind that’s as big a win as we can get.” – Bill Lennan

12. You shouldn’t be living life on a pass-fail basis, anyway. 

13.  You learned the value of self-preservation. 

“I got out alive and have rebuilt my life into something better. I learned the lessons that I needed to learn and I’m a better person for it. I’ve always been giving and loyal and willing to do anything for the people I loved but my marriage taught me that you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Now I can teach my daughter that while helping people is wonderful, you always put on your own oxygen mask first.” – Kate Fruehling

More from HuffPost: 

 Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.

 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Gay Voices – The Huffington Post

Chemistry.com gay - First Date 300x250

23 Things I Learned In The Year After My Divorce

 

I lived what a lot of other people thought was a picture-perfect life. I had the kid, the second home and all of the trappings we, as women, are taught to desire.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.




Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

10 Miranda Lambert Songs That’ll Help Her Cope With Her Divorce

On Monday, Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton dealt a major blow to diehard fans with the announcement that they've divorced after four years of marriage. For nearly a decade, it seemed no one could dethrone them as the new reigning prom king and queen of country music; they'd ostensibly been crowned the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw of Nashville's next generation. But with the marriage now dissolved and Miranda reportedly having already packed her bags (and animals) at their Oklahoma ranch, we're already overwhelmed with heartache. To Miranda's advantage, though, she's got an entire career's worth of songs to refer to while she copes. (Never forget, she once wrote an entire album called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.) We made a playlist of ten Miranda Lambert songs she might want to consider playing through each stage of her divorce.
News, reviews, interviews and more for top artists and albums – MSN Music
ADULT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS UPDATE:Gabby Love’s top pick! Click and enjoy!

Bobby Flay And Stephanie March Have Settled Their Divorce

Bobby Flay and Stephanie March have finally settled their divorce.

The two confirmed the news to People magazine on Friday. “We have come to an amicable divorce settlement,” they said in a joint statement. ”We look forward to putting this difficult time behind us and we ask that you respect our privacy as we move forward.”

The chef and actress split in April after 10 years of marriage, but interactions have hardly been cordial, according to the press. In May, the former “Law & Order: SVU” star reportedly challenged an infidelity clause in the couple’s prenup, claiming that Flay allegedly cheated on her with three women, including actress January Jones.

The news of the allegations managed to go beyond the headlines and make their way over Flay’s head, quite literally. When the chef received his Hollywood Walk of Fame star last month, a banner emblazoned with the word “CHEATER” flew overhead. March’s reps, though, claimed she had no involvement with the stunt.

For more, head to TMZ and People.

Also on HuffPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Getting Married Past This Age Increases Your Risk Of Divorce, Research Suggests

 Want to get married and stay married? Don’t rush to get hitched when you’re young — but don’t wait too long, either. Once you’re past your early 30s, the risk of divorce starts to creep up again, according to new analysis. 

Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah, looked at data from the National Survey of Family Growth and found that while the risk of divorce declines steadily from your teens into your late 20s — it starts to rise again somewhere in your 30s

Once you reach the age of 32, the odds of getting a divorce increase by 5 percent each year

As Wolfinger breaks it down on the Institute For Family Studies blog, “Those who tie the knot after their early thirties are now more likely to divorce than those who marry in their late 20s.” 

Wolfinger writes that it’s “no mystery” why those who marry as teens face a higher risk of divorce: most of us don’t have the coping skills or maturity to deal with marriage in our teens or early 20s, he suggests — and marrying young correlates with lower educational attainment, which increases the risk for divorce regardless of age

But why does waiting until you’re well into your 30s increase the odds? Shouldn’t you be better equipped to handle the stresses of marriage the older you get? 

The researcher isn’t entirely sure but suggests it might have something to do with what he calls the “selection effect”: those who wait to wed may be the type of people who just aren’t cut out for marriage. Ouch

“They delay marriage, often because they can’t find anyone willing to marry them,” Wolfinger explains in his blog. “When they do tie the knot, their marriages are automatically at high risk for divorce. More generally, perhaps people who marry later face a pool of potential spouses that has been winnowed down to exclude the individuals most predisposed to succeed at matrimony” 

The Huffington Post reached out to Wolfinger for comment but he did not reply by the time of publication. 

For those of you suddenly feeling like you just. can’t. win regardless of when you decide to marry, take heart: This is just a statistical analysis based on general trends and may not reflect your personal experience. And overall, the divorce rate in the U.S. continues to drop from its peak in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Phew. 

For more on Wolfinger’s analysis, head here. 

 Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.

 

 

 

 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Gay Voices – The Huffington Post

Chemistry.com gay - First Date 300x250

Getting Married Past This Age Increases Your Risk Of Divorce, Research Suggests

 Want to get married and stay married? Don’t rush to get hitched when you’re young — but don’t wait too long, either. Once you’re past your early 30s, the risk of divorce starts to creep up again, according to new analysis. 

Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah, looked at data from the National Survey of Family Growth and found that while the risk of divorce declines steadily from your teens into your late 20s — it starts to rise again somewhere in your 30s

Once you reach the age of 32, the odds of getting a divorce increase by 5 percent each year

As Wolfinger breaks it down on the Institute For Family Studies blog, “Those who tie the knot after their early thirties are now more likely to divorce than those who marry in their late 20s.” 

Wolfinger writes that it’s “no mystery” why those who marry as teens face a higher risk of divorce: most of us don’t have the coping skills or maturity to deal with marriage in our teens or early 20s, he suggests — and marrying young correlates with lower educational attainment, which increases the risk for divorce regardless of age

But why does waiting until you’re well into your 30s increase the odds? Shouldn’t you be better equipped to handle the stresses of marriage the older you get? 

The researcher isn’t entirely sure but suggests it might have something to do with what he calls the “selection effect”: those who wait to wed may be the type of people who just aren’t cut out for marriage. Ouch

“They delay marriage, often because they can’t find anyone willing to marry them,” Wolfinger explains in his blog. “When they do tie the knot, their marriages are automatically at high risk for divorce. More generally, perhaps people who marry later face a pool of potential spouses that has been winnowed down to exclude the individuals most predisposed to succeed at matrimony” 

The Huffington Post reached out to Wolfinger for comment but he did not reply by the time of publication. 

For those of you suddenly feeling like you just. can’t. win regardless of when you decide to marry, take heart: This is just a statistical analysis based on general trends and may not reflect your personal experience. And overall, the divorce rate in the U.S. continues to drop from its peak in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Phew. 

For more on Wolfinger’s analysis, head here. 

 Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.

 

 

 

 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Life After Divorce Lies On The Other Side Of Fear

2015-07-09-1436470617-5279687-Stevenandmedesertyellowtop.jpg
Twelve years ago I was broken. I had just ended a 29-year marriage, sent my only kid off to college, and was left broke and unemployed, left with the cats and the dog to feed. Not exactly my life plan. I was alone for the first time in my life and filled with fear.

I sold the big house on the hill and started a new life in the city in a cute little condo that was to be my healing place. I traded the country club membership for a job and sold my Mercedes-Benz and bought a used BMW. I penned my book, “Single Past 50 Now What?” and was thrilled when it was published. I moved on with my life as best I could.

It took two years before I dated again. Broken hearts bring with them broken lives and battered self-esteem. It took time to mend, heal and get my head together.

When I did, I went about the business of rebuilding. The friendships I was graced with became lifetime alliances. Life was good again and I had learned how to sleep alone. A triumph of epic proportions.

I dated happily and smartly, laughed a lot and felt comfortable in my skin again. Everything in my world was just as I wanted it. Everything.

That’s about the time I received an email from an old high school friend of mine, a wonderful young man named Steven. We had been hangout buddies 40 years ago. I responded to his email and the conversations began.

We talked and it was as comfortable as ever. Much to my surprise I discovered that he had a crush on me back in the day (who knew?!). As the conversation unfolded he disclosed that he never married. He later shared that he had been waiting for me … all these years.

Who does that? He did.

We began long-distance phone dating (a lot more exciting than it sounds) for three months. The time came to meet in person (can we say “nerve wracking”?). I flew back home to L.A. and reacquainted myself with the man who was one of my favorite people in years gone by.

The next year and a half was filled with twice-a-month visits from Steven. Southwest Airlines loved us, as he booked his fares from L.A. to Denver months in advance. Even in record breaking snow storms, the man never missed a weekend. At the end of those months together, it was time for a commitment.

It wasn’t long before I followed this man across the country, with everything I owned in tow. I was about to take a second chance on love. If you knew me at all, you would know that I’m the LAST person to ever follow a man anywhere.

Despite my fear and my doubt, he was the risk my gut was telling me to take.

Here’s the thing, when I find myself sitting on my front porch in my rocking chair at the ripe old age of 93, I’d much rather scold myself for making a bad decision than simmer in regret for something I didn’t have the courage to try.

The truth is, life offers no guarantees. Risk is part of the bargain. Knowing when to jump in or run from, is a crucial life skill. If there is anything I know for certain, it’s that nothing is for certain.

My life has always been about going beyond my imagination. Trying things I knew I had little chance succeeding at. Risking failure for a chance at success. Happiness, I have found, is less about the destination and much more about the pursuit.

We’ve been together six years now. A lot of growth, love and learning. We are buying a house together and settling in for a little something called the rest of our lives. All this time my life was waiting for my courage to catch up.

I love this man. He is everything I deserve. He is my gift, my light and my comfort. It will be my honor to marry him, despite my previous conviction that I would never marry again.

This is what I’ve learned and want to share with you: Happiness can always be found on the other side of fear.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Life After Divorce Lies On The Other Side Of Fear

2015-07-09-1436470617-5279687-Stevenandmedesertyellowtop.jpg
Twelve years ago I was broken. I had just ended a 29-year marriage, sent my only kid off to college, and was left broke and unemployed, left with the cats and the dog to feed. Not exactly my life plan. I was alone for the first time in my life and filled with fear.

I sold the big house on the hill and started a new life in the city in a cute little condo that was to be my healing place. I traded the country club membership for a job and sold my Mercedes-Benz and bought a used BMW. I penned my book, “Single Past 50 Now What?” and was thrilled when it was published. I moved on with my life as best I could.

It took two years before I dated again. Broken hearts bring with them broken lives and battered self-esteem. It took time to mend, heal and get my head together.

When I did, I went about the business of rebuilding. The friendships I was graced with became lifetime alliances. Life was good again and I had learned how to sleep alone. A triumph of epic proportions.

I dated happily and smartly, laughed a lot and felt comfortable in my skin again. Everything in my world was just as I wanted it. Everything.

That’s about the time I received an email from an old high school friend of mine, a wonderful young man named Steven. We had been hangout buddies 40 years ago. I responded to his email and the conversations began.

We talked and it was as comfortable as ever. Much to my surprise I discovered that he had a crush on me back in the day (who knew?!). As the conversation unfolded he disclosed that he never married. He later shared that he had been waiting for me … all these years.

Who does that? He did.

We began long-distance phone dating (a lot more exciting than it sounds) for three months. The time came to meet in person (can we say “nerve wracking”?). I flew back home to L.A. and reacquainted myself with the man who was one of my favorite people in years gone by.

The next year and a half was filled with twice-a-month visits from Steven. Southwest Airlines loved us, as he booked his fares from L.A. to Denver months in advance. Even in record breaking snow storms, the man never missed a weekend. At the end of those months together, it was time for a commitment.

It wasn’t long before I followed this man across the country, with everything I owned in tow. I was about to take a second chance on love. If you knew me at all, you would know that I’m the LAST person to ever follow a man anywhere.

Despite my fear and my doubt, he was the risk my gut was telling me to take.

Here’s the thing, when I find myself sitting on my front porch in my rocking chair at the ripe old age of 93, I’d much rather scold myself for making a bad decision than simmer in regret for something I didn’t have the courage to try.

The truth is, life offers no guarantees. Risk is part of the bargain. Knowing when to jump in or run from, is a crucial life skill. If there is anything I know for certain, it’s that nothing is for certain.

My life has always been about going beyond my imagination. Trying things I knew I had little chance succeeding at. Risking failure for a chance at success. Happiness, I have found, is less about the destination and much more about the pursuit.

We’ve been together six years now. A lot of growth, love and learning. We are buying a house together and settling in for a little something called the rest of our lives. All this time my life was waiting for my courage to catch up.

I love this man. He is everything I deserve. He is my gift, my light and my comfort. It will be my honor to marry him, despite my previous conviction that I would never marry again.

This is what I’ve learned and want to share with you: Happiness can always be found on the other side of fear.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Timbaland’s Wife Monique Mosley Files For Divorce A Second Time

After being appointed as the executive producer of FOX show "Empire," Timbaland is worth a reported $ 85 million.


HipHopDX News

7 Ways to Be the Superhero of Your Divorce

We don’t want divorce to bring out the worst in us, but it has a way of doing just that. Before your own divorce, perhaps you looked at other divorcing couples with a critical eye. Or thought some version of, “I just don’t get what all the excitement’s about. It’s a divorce, people. Keep it together.” You did this because you had absolutely no idea what it meant to divorce until, well, you did. And now you wonder how you’ll ever get through this. One way is to summon your inner superhero (yes, you have one) to help you navigate these choppy waters and guide you to saner land.

Start by giving your divorce superhero a name: Resilient Rita or Strong Sam will do. Then, when you’re tempted to crumble into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, or send that scathing email to your in-laws, or tell your ex you never, ever loved him/her, ask what your superhero would do. Because your superhero (who is, in essence, your best self) makes better, clearer decisions than you — and, with some focus and effort, will swoop you up and save you from plunging into the burning detritus of divorce.

Here are ways to be the superhero of your divorce:

1) Protect the innocents. Your kids don’t need to know what uglies transpired between their parents. Instead, decide together on the party line and then stick to it. “We’ve been unhappy for a long time,” or “We’ve done everything we can and we still can’t make it work,” should suffice. It’s tempting to paint their other parent as a schmuck, but this will ultimately make you the villain. Kids will resent the parent who tried to poison them against the other one because, as they grow into adults, they realize it takes two to tango. Eventually, they will be embittered by your lack of appropriateness and failure to shield them from grownup-only business.

2) Be careful and fair in your dealings. It’s tempting to rush through a divorce especially when the marriage has long been in decline. Instead, take a breath and slow down. A couple more months will not end you. Negotiate in good faith. When you’re ready to sign, have other eyes on your agreement. If you can, have another divorce lawyer or mediator do a second read-through. Or ask a smart, divorced friend to take a peek. Treat your divorce like a serious medical diagnosis. Wouldn’t you get a second opinion even if you trusted your physician?

3) Stick with your superhero friends. The whole neighborhood shouldn’t know the dirty details of your split. And, remember, there are parents out there who may not be so careful when gossiping about your divorce in front of their own kids. Don’t tell anyone you don’t completely trust with anything you wouldn’t want your kids to find out. Little pitchers have big ears, and you never want to hear from your kids, “Well, Ashley’s mom said you and dad divorced because…”

4) Don’t re-wreak havoc. Very few marriages end peacefully. There may be awful fights, affairs, or addictions involved. There may be threats lobbed about money and/or the kids. People say lots of crazy stuff during this time. Try not to join their ranks. And don’t keep replaying (and retelling) the worst details of your spouse’s behaviors. You already know how they made you feel. Why rip the bandaid off countless times over? You know this isn’t healthy. And it doesn’t change a thing.

5) Stay the course. Or discover a better one. This probably isn’t the time to quit a good job or move if you can help it. Divorce is a big enough change. Give yourself — and your kids — a chance to adjust. Conversely, if the stress of divorce has you in an awful eating/drinking/not exercising slump, it’s time to be the superhero of your well-being and make positive changes.

6) Tell the truth, the whole truth. Have you ever heard of a superhero who didn’t? It’s so easy to place the blame fully on your ex-spouse. But, if you haven’t noticed, that’s really not making you feel any better. Instead, tell yourself the real story of the marriage, the one in which you also had a starring role. The goal here is to understand yourself in relationships. If you’re not honest with yourself now, you will take that same oblivious person (you!) into another relationship which will also likely fail.

7) Build a superhero legacy. The chaotic phase of divorce will pass, although it may not seem that way right now. How do you want to remember your behaviors during this difficult time? How do you want your children, friends, and family to remember how you managed this transition? Feel all the feelings but manage them appropriately. Maintain your dignity and your self-respect. Save yourself and those you love from future embarrassment and pain. Because that’s what superheroes do.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

7 Ways to Be the Superhero of Your Divorce

We don’t want divorce to bring out the worst in us, but it has a way of doing just that. Before your own divorce, perhaps you looked at other divorcing couples with a critical eye. Or thought some version of, “I just don’t get what all the excitement’s about. It’s a divorce, people. Keep it together.” You did this because you had absolutely no idea what it meant to divorce until, well, you did. And now you wonder how you’ll ever get through this. One way is to summon your inner superhero (yes, you have one) to help you navigate these choppy waters and guide you to saner land.

Start by giving your divorce superhero a name: Resilient Rita or Strong Sam will do. Then, when you’re tempted to crumble into a pint of Ben and Jerrys, or send that scathing email to your in-laws, or tell your ex you never, ever loved him/her, ask what your superhero would do. Because your superhero (who is, in essence, your best self) makes better, clearer decisions than you — and, with some focus and effort, will swoop you up and save you from plunging into the burning detritus of divorce.

Here are ways to be the superhero of your divorce:

1) Protect the innocents. Your kids don’t need to know what uglies transpired between their parents. Instead, decide together on the party line and then stick to it. “We’ve been unhappy for a long time,” or “We’ve done everything we can and we still can’t make it work,” should suffice. It’s tempting to paint their other parent as a schmuck, but this will ultimately make you the villain. Kids will resent the parent who tried to poison them against the other one because, as they grow into adults, they realize it takes two to tango. Eventually, they will be embittered by your lack of appropriateness and failure to shield them from grownup-only business.

2) Be careful and fair in your dealings. It’s tempting to rush through a divorce especially when the marriage has long been in decline. Instead, take a breath and slow down. A couple more months will not end you. Negotiate in good faith. When you’re ready to sign, have other eyes on your agreement. If you can, have another divorce lawyer or mediator do a second read-through. Or ask a smart, divorced friend to take a peek. Treat your divorce like a serious medical diagnosis. Wouldn’t you get a second opinion even if you trusted your physician?

3) Stick with your superhero friends. The whole neighborhood shouldn’t know the dirty details of your split. And, remember, there are parents out there who may not be so careful when gossiping about your divorce in front of their own kids. Don’t tell anyone you don’t completely trust with anything you wouldn’t want your kids to find out. Little pitchers have big ears, and you never want to hear from your kids, “Well, Ashley’s mom said you and dad divorced because…”

4) Don’t re-wreak havoc. Very few marriages end peacefully. There may be awful fights, affairs, or addictions involved. There may be threats lobbed about money and/or the kids. People say lots of crazy stuff during this time. Try not to join their ranks. And don’t keep replaying (and retelling) the worst details of your spouse’s behaviors. You already know how they made you feel. Why rip the bandaid off countless times over? You know this isn’t healthy. And it doesn’t change a thing.

5) Stay the course. Or discover a better one. This probably isn’t the time to quit a good job or move if you can help it. Divorce is a big enough change. Give yourself — and your kids — a chance to adjust. Conversely, if the stress of divorce has you in an awful eating/drinking/not exercising slump, it’s time to be the superhero of your well-being and make positive changes.

6) Tell the truth, the whole truth. Have you ever heard of a superhero who didn’t? It’s so easy to place the blame fully on your ex-spouse. But, if you haven’t noticed, that’s really not making you feel any better. Instead, tell yourself the real story of the marriage, the one in which you also had a starring role. The goal here is to understand yourself in relationships. If you’re not honest with yourself now, you will take that same oblivious person (you!) into another relationship which will also likely fail.

7) Build a superhero legacy. The chaotic phase of divorce will pass, although it may not seem that way right now. How do you want to remember your behaviors during this difficult time? How do you want your children, friends, and family to remember how you managed this transition? Feel all the feelings but manage them appropriately. Maintain your dignity and your self-respect. Save yourself and those you love from future embarrassment and pain. Because that’s what superheroes do.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

A Key Word in Ending Up Happy After Divorce

There are countless reasons why people get divorced, but they all the reasons come down to one commonality: one or both people in the marriage decided they would be happier alone rather than staying married.

That’s why it surprises me that so many divorced men and women have such a hard time being by themselves (at first, anyhow.)

I get it that being alone is very scary and takes time getting used to. Been there. But I think the difference between divorced people who end up happy and those who don’t boils down to one word: INDEPENDENCE.

Being independent is both really scary and the best feeling in the word, both at the same time. What independence means to me is the ability to be truly happy in your life whether you are:

1. single
2. dating someone (or several people) casually
3. in a relationship
4. married/remarried

Independence means being your own person. What I mean by that is, being a mom (or a dad) is great. In fact it’s beyond a joyful role, probably the best in life. But, being independent means having a life that fulfills you that is autonomous of that role. It means having a fulfilling career, or if you don’t work, having a passion or hobby that fills a lot of your time because you choose that. It means having a social life with family and friends you choose to see.

Being truly independent means that you are completely capable of taking care of yourself, even if you have a person or people who want to take care of you. In other words, you don’t need anyone.

Now, I’m not saying that people should live their lives not needing or depending on others. I think it is healthy to have support and to lean on family, friends or a significant other, at times. In fact, it takes guts to ask for help or to let someone take care of you. But being independent means that for the most part, you thrive on self-sufficiency. You got this.

Independence fosters self-esteem, pride, poise and confidence. I mean, how great does it feel when you can look in the mirror and think, “Wow, I’m really proud that I’m doing this all by myself?”

I believe that one of the greatest joys in life is having a moment when you realize you achieved something you never thought you were capable of, or as Whitney Houston sang in her 1988 hit “One Moment In time,” “When I’m more than I thought I could be.” (There’s a reason they chose that song for the theme song for the 1988 summer Olympics.)

Furthermore, having that self-esteem and confidence gained through being independent is extremely attractive to others. My point is, guys (or girls) dig someone with those qualities. Big time.

In closing, being independent isn’t always easy. It takes courage and strength to be a leader in your household, to make big decisions, and to go it alone. But I truly believe the rewards that come with independence are priceless.

And by the way, you can still be independent and be madly in love, feel feminine, and be a couple with someone.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially” for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

9 Ways To Live Life To The Fullest After Divorce That Cost Absolutely Nothing

After you’ve trudged through the divorce process, few things sound better than a long, relaxing vacation. 

But who has the money for that after paying lawyer fees? Since most of us aren’t financially secure enough to travel the world a la Eat, Pray, Love, we’ve round up nine ways to live your best life after divorce that cost nothing. 

1.  Make a point to jot down the little things that bring you joy. 

After her divorce, reader Terri Shook took the time to count her blessings — even if they were sometimes hard to find. 

 ”I took time every day to appreciate something, even if it was just being grateful for the day being over,” she said. “Some days were harder than others but I kept a running Facebook note and added to it every night. It helped me stay focused on the positive and on the days when nothing seemed to be going right, it was a mental lifesaver.” 

2. Choose happiness. 

For most of her marriage, writer Shelley Wetton put her own well-being and happiness on the back burner. After wallowing in her own post-split misery for “way too long,” Wetton said two books helped her gain some much-needed perspective: The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama (“It taught me that happiness resided within me all along”) and The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion’s memoir chronicling the death of her husband and the grave health problems her daughter faced around the same time. 

“I was reminded of how blessed I was despite divorce,” she said. “My child and I were healthy and I had a career I loved. Changing perspective costs nothing but the time to reflect and find gratitude.”  

3. Watch a horror movie (or a rom-com or a historical drama — whatever genre you’re into).

When healing after divorce seemed damn near impossible, Craig Tomashoff grabbed a glass of Chianti and called in moral support in the form of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers. 

 “Seriously, I found solace in binge-watching every possible slasher, zombie, monster or demon movie I could find on Netflix,” the writer said. “Even the friendliest of divorces still leave you nervously obsessive about your past, bitter about being alone and uncertain about your purpose in life — and movies distract you from your problems for a few hours. And no matter how dark the world has turned, horror movie heroes just want to survive.”

 

Plus, he added, “zombies charge way less for a couple hours of therapy than a psychologist.” 

 

4.  Give meditation a chance. 

In the wake of her divorce, writer Carolyn Flower devoted 30 minutes every morning to meditation and journaling. Looking back now, she said the practice was her “lifeline.” 

“I was able to identify solutions to challenges from within,” she said. “I made this commitment to myself which turned out to be a beautiful gift. The more I recognized the many aspects in my life I was grateful for, the more things showed up for which to be grateful! Gratitude is contagious.” 

 5. Take a long, hot bath. 

Karin Schott’s perfect post-split therapy? The ritual of a nightly bath: filling the tub with hot water, pouring in bath oils and turning on some Joni Mitchell or Van Morrison to set the mood. 

“For me, it’s all about returning to my body,” she said. ”I can go out running but that can be hard on my body. I can walk but I find I can be too much in my head, chewing on things that I should just spit out. But the bath is a way to relax and be kind to myself for the cost of a little hot water. It was always the friend waiting for me at the end of a difficult day.”

 6. Pencil in some time with friends.

Reaching out to friends who knew you before you married your ex will remind you that there’s life outside of marriage. But it’s also important to find friends who are experiencing divorce themselves, said reader Amy Kathleen Nordmeyer. 

“I joined the girls’ night out group sponsored for free by my attorney’s law firm in Virginia Beach, Virginia,” said Nordmeyer. “It was a monthly event — and out of that group some of us formed our own secret group that hangs out together as well. It’s great.” 

7. Go for a run.

Anne-Marie Feliks Paddock admitted running was never her exercise of choice. She found it slow going and figured she wasn’t cut out for it physically. But something changed after her divorce.

“I decided to do something I didn’t believe I could — running,” she said. “It proved to me and continues to prove to me that I am more than I think I am and helps me develop self-esteem. I run for me: to beat myself and to keep conquering my fears.”

8. Date yourself. 

Can’t get a date? Who needs one! After her separation, divorce coach Lindsey Ellison said she looked forward to her weekly date nights all by her not-so-lonesome. Sometimes, her solo date was simply cracking open a bottle of champagne and ordering sushi but it went a long way in helping her heal, she said. 

“When you get used to spending time with just yourself, you will no longer feel the urge to run out and potentially meet the wrong person,” she said. “And when you do meet someone, you will be so secure with who you are you won’t care if they come or go because you are having such a good time with yourself.”  

9. Smile. 

Yes, it may sound deceptively simple but reader Kristienne Michelle said making a conscious effort to smile more often helped her heal. 

“I just smiled: When I felt sad, when I felt angry, when I was bored, when I was confused, I chose to smile,” she said. “Sometimes I smiled while tears fell. But I smiled. Eventually, the smile felt genuine and I was smiling because I was happy more than I was sad, angry or confused.” 

More from HuffPost: 



Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.  

 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

An Open Letter to Cinderella: How to Divorce Prince Charming.

Dear Cinderella,

You might be surprised that I’m writing you this letter, considering that you are one of the world’s most prominent examples of a happy marriage. But, as a seasoned divorce attorney, I’ve learned to spot the ones whose marriages are on the way out–and frankly, Cinderella, I’ve seen that look in your eye.

You probably don’t want to admit it. You’re probably thinking, If I get a divorce from Prince Charming, will I be letting the world down? Will I be disillusioning thousands, nay millions of little girls whose dreams of finding fairytale romance hinge on my prime example? Cinderella, we can only hope.

With this in mind, I’m going to advise you now as if you had wandered into my office, impractical shoes and all, asking “How do I divorce Prince Charming?”

Lesson One: Get a prenup.

I’m not going to sugar-coat this, Cinderella: You, like most ill-advised Disney princesses, have been operating under the assumption that a Prince will make you happy. I’m guessing based on the fact that you were roughly sixteen when you got married, and that your decision to marry was doubtless driven by a desire to escape a life of indentured servitude, you were probably more focused on the door than you were on arranging a prenup.

I mean, let’s be blunt here: Prince Charming has substantial assets, and this was probably part of the attraction. But, as you’ll find out in the process of divorcing him, the Prince’s assets–his royal inheritance etc.–are what we in the divorce business call “pre-marital assets”–in other words, you can’t touch them. Thus, like so many women before and after you, you were in a financially disadvantaged position at the start of the marriage, you thought it would be rude to ask for a prenup, and now at the end of the marriage here you are in a financially disadvantaged position once again.

I know, it’s unfair. Considering how you’ve spent your life looking after Prince Charming and your royal children, how you’ve smiled and waved when you were supposed to, fulfilled your responsibilities (even indulging his fantasies of having you dress up like a house wench and tickle his feet with your feather-duster)–even with all that, now you’ve been left in a position where you probably can’t touch his royal monies. Such is the law–it’s a prenup or nothing, for you.

Lesson Two: Commingle your assets.

Considering your lack of a prenup, my advice to you now is to secure some assets for yourself by “commingling”. In effect, commingling assets means mixing joint money, or your personal accounts (for example, what you get from renting your father’s house to those wicked stepsisters of yours) with your husband’s inherited money (the palace bank account). The idea is to make it difficult for Prince Charming’s lawyers to show clear separation of accounts in the court, therefore making a case that the money from said accounts should be split down the middle.

In short: open a joint bank account. Make big financial outlays (country house, jewels, angel investment in a Talking Mouse Circus) using mixed moneys. Avoid making big joint purchases from your husband’s inherited funds whenever possible, because you won’t have any claim to those in the divorce. And so on.

Contrary to the widespread belief among legendary damsels in distress, marrying royalty isn’t generally all it’s cracked up to be. Without a prenup, frankly it doesn’t matter that you caught him in three different broom closets with three different scullery maids last year; his pre-marital assets are still likely to stay with him.

Cinderella, you understand the complications of the fairy tale marriage; you, more than anyone, know what it really means to live “happily ever after.” I urge you to take that knowledge, along with your glass slippers and your wits, to the bank.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

An Open Letter to Cinderella: How to Divorce Prince Charming And Keep Some Money

Dear Cinderella,

You might be surprised that I’m writing you this letter, considering that you are one of the world’s most prominent examples of a happy marriage. But, as a seasoned divorce attorney, I’ve learned to spot the ones whose marriages are on the way out–and frankly, Cinderella, I’ve seen that look in your eye.

You probably don’t want to admit it. You’re probably thinking, If I get a divorce from Prince Charming, will I be letting the world down? Will I be disillusioning thousands, nay millions of little girls whose dreams of finding fairy tale romance hinge on my prime example? Cinderella, we can only hope.

With this in mind, I’m going to advise you now as if you had wandered into my office, impractical shoes and all, asking “How do I divorce Prince Charming?”

Lesson One: Get a prenup.

I’m not going to sugar-coat this, Cinderella: You, like most ill-advised Disney princesses, have been operating under the assumption that a Prince will make you happy. I’m guessing based on the fact that you were roughly 16 when you got married, and that your decision to marry was doubtless driven by a desire to escape a life of indentured servitude, you were probably more focused on the door than you were on arranging a prenup.

I mean, let’s be blunt here: Prince Charming has substantial assets, and this was probably part of the attraction. But, as you’ll find out in the process of divorcing him, the Prince’s assets–his royal inheritance etc.–are what we in the divorce business call “pre-marital assets.” In other words, you can’t touch them. Thus, like so many women before and after you, you were in a financially disadvantaged position at the start of the marriage and thought it would be rude to ask for a prenup, and now at the end of the marriage here you are in a financially disadvantaged position once again.

I know, it’s unfair. Considering how you’ve spent your life looking after Prince Charming and your royal children, how you’ve smiled and waved when you were supposed to, fulfilled your responsibilities (even indulging his fantasies of having you dress up like a house wench and tickle his feet with your feather-duster)–even with all that, now you’ve been left in a position where you probably can’t touch his royal monies. Such is the law–it’s a prenup or nothing, for you.

Lesson Two: Commingle your assets.

Considering your lack of a prenup, my advice to you now is to secure some assets for yourself by “commingling.” In effect, commingling assets means mixing joint money, or your personal accounts (for example, what you get from renting your father’s house to those wicked stepsisters of yours) with your husband’s inherited money (the palace bank account). The idea is to make it difficult for Prince Charming’s lawyers to show clear separation of accounts in the court, therefore making a case that the money from said accounts should be split down the middle.

In short: open a joint bank account. Make big financial outlays (country house, jewels, angel investment in a Talking Mouse Circus) using mixed monies. Avoid making big joint purchases from your husband’s inherited funds whenever possible, because you won’t have any claim to those in the divorce. And so on.

Contrary to the widespread belief among legendary damsels in distress, marrying royalty isn’t generally all it’s cracked up to be. Without a prenup, frankly it doesn’t matter that you caught him in three different broom closets with three different scullery maids last year; his pre-marital assets are still likely to stay with him.

Cinderella, you understand the complications of the fairy tale marriage; you, more than anyone, know what it really means to live “happily ever after.” I urge you to take that knowledge, along with your glass slippers and your wits, to the bank.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Is It Brave or Insane to Choose to Divorce?

This is the thought that goes through my head sometimes, fifteen months after separating from my ex-husband (our divorce is still not official).

“Am I brave for moving forward with him, with the divorce? Or am I insane?”

Originally when we separated, a year or more seemed so far away. I thought for sure I would feel better — for good. I didn’t predict how tough it would be. I didn’t predict how sharing our child would still, fifteen months later, suck. Yes, suck. Splitting our daughter’s time in half has been tremendously difficult. When she is gone, it’s like I’m in the black & white scenes from the “Wizard of Oz”: twisters, an evil neighbor, and the dreariness of a flat Kansas plain about to erupt in a storm. All the color goes out of my life to some extent, and the house is eerily quiet.

Fifteen months down the line, I didn’t think hearing the news about a girlfriend would be so tough.
I didn’t think I would still grieve. Sure, I knew I would still be broke (and will still be broke for a while) and life wouldn’t be smooth or sunshine and kittens each day, but I didn’t realize how long it would take me to sew up my heart. To sew up my self-esteem again.

To believe that I am good enough to be loved and not a failure, even though the marriage failed.

To have faith that this too shall pass, and for good– not just for a few days or weeks.

Fifteen months down the line, I didn’t think dating would be so difficult. I didn’t think I would be so naive about how all these dating sites, apps, and random real-life run-ins with the opposite sex would be so complicated or simply void of substance. That I would be so hesitant and unsure.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am a teenager again: unsure of myself, unsure of what to do, and emotional at most turns.

I begin to wonder if I made the right choice. It wasn’t me who decided to divorce. We decided together. There were times I asked if we were doing the right thing. Times I asked if we could make this work. If we could try again.

I often think that even though I was thirty when I married that I was still immature when it came to relationships. Now, I am not immature. Now I have a whole other perspective on love than when I met my ex-husband.

And it makes me wonder if love really does exist in the way poets and musicians describe it, or if it’s all just a mirage or temporary state of particular hormones.

We decided to divorce and there I was, a woman dependent financially on a man, trying to get back into work full-time after motherhood and college, and we went forward with this.

Was I crazy? Or was I brave?

The answer is both.

The answer is in order to be brave, in order to find the love I want and the life I want, I had to be crazy enough and brave enough.

Yes. Divorce is hard. If you think it’s going to be easy or that the grass is green on the other side, think twice.

Yes, it is hard moving on. Yes, it is hard sharing my daughter. Yes, it is hard being broke.

But here is where the color kicks on:

Fifteen months later, I am working up a storm and building a career and bringing in an income for myself. I am still broke, but I am paying bills. I am making a mark and cutting ground.

Fifteen months later, yes I have been picky, but I have not let anyone into my child’s circle. I have protected her.

Fifteen months later, I have lost my home and found another. I have begun to start over completely, 150%.

Fifteen months later, I am still here writing, and still here hoping for the life I want, for the love I want.

So while I may have been crazy to have agreed to walk away from the only love of my life, I was brave to want more. I was brave to say I deserved someone who loved me for me, instead of hunkering down in my misery and loneliness and praying for it to end.

No, instead I took the wheel and decided to go out into the world to find someone who loves me as is, and not how he wants me to be. Insanity would have been staying with someone who didn’t accept me for who I was. Insanity would have been trying to squeeze myself into a box to be someone else so I didn’t have to be alone.

I decided to live an authentic life, and yes, it is hard and sad sometimes and I am truly scared on what is to come, but I did it.

And I guess that makes me brave.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Divorce Is Like a Bikini Wax So Let ‘er Rip

I had an important realization about my divorce recently. I was naked from the waist down and waiting for a woman with a hot stick to singe my nether regions with melted wax when it hit me.

Divorce and a bikini wax are so much alike. Both experiences are a) embarrassing, b) expensive and c) very painful. In both processes you have to expose yourself in ways you never wanted. You have to let a lot of people get all up in your business. This stranger flailing a hot stick near my tender parts was my breakthrough, I had been handling my divorce all wrong!

What I’ve realized is the best way to get through either messy and painful experience is to hang on and just let ‘er rip.

2015-07-07-1436238168-9183225-divorceandbikiniwaxleterrip.jpg

Next time you get your lady parts defuzzed, just watch your waxer. She’s going to illustrate the correct way you should handle your divorce proceedings. Does the nice woman kinda, sorta pull that hot melted wax off your hooha? Does she do it slowly? Hell no! She grabs that wax strip and rips it off like she means it. Does it hurt? Hell yes! But every waxing professional already knows what we as women in a divorce need to learn, moving slowly only makes the entire process stickier and more painful. Just like a divorce. So take a cue from her. Grab a hold of yourself and get down to business.

Divorce is horrible no matter how you handle it. It’s going to be painful. But how long that pain lasts, whether it will be over quickly or will drag on for years, depends entirely on how quickly and decisively you are willing to act. So stop dillydallying already and get on with it.

If you don’t believe me, just handle your divorce like I did. Be timid. Be tentative about making any decisions. Sorta find an attorney, kinda start filing your paperwork. You’ll end up creating more ugly pain than if you’d just reacted quickly and taken action. In waxing as in divorce, I now know, the sooner it’s over the sooner the pain stops.

So take it from that slightly scary lady standing over your groin with hot wax; decide on your course of action, find an attorney, pound out your agreements. And make like a bikini wax and LET ‘ER RIP!

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Frequent Cause of Divorce: The Wimpy Guy

A client recently called and asked for an urgent appointment alone. She and her husband have been seeing me primarily because of one potentially relationship-ending issue: “I’m sick and tired of being with a wimp!” she said.

I understand.

Unfortunately, women who complain about their man being a wimp is a common theme in my office, and it’s a tough nut to crack, because the last thing wimpy men want to face is the fact that they are wimpy. So as a therapist, if I poke around with a few questions and conclude that the man has indeed shed his instinctual take-charge manliness and turned himself into a wimp, softie or pleaser, as I like to call them, then I’ve got to use my most artful communication skills to deliver the news. If not delivered delicately and respectfully, the man, who deep inside probably doubts the depth of his masculinity, will protect his fragile ego by switching the blame to me and cast the therapist as a ball-busting, weenie roasting, man-hater and refuse to return to therapy – opportunity lost. If, on the other hand, I can get him to listen to my point and agree that something is amiss, which most will end up doing, the possibilities of changing the relationship from unhealthy and dysfunctional to thriving are tremendous.

So first, let’s understand what happens to too many of our precious men who get caught up in being pleasers, explain the behavior, and then learn what in American culture triggered the epidemic. After that, we can change the world.

Almost all of us take on shame in our childhoods, which is the core belief that we are defective, or something is wrong with us. Once we take on shame, we make the misguided decision that our true defective self must be hidden, so we create a new false self to protect us through life. The false selves that humans create are countless, but the most common ones I see are rebel, procrastinator, lazy, blamer, over-achiever, perfectionist and, of course, the pleaser.

Pleasers exist in our society in the millions, and you will find them in both genders.** The way it plays out is that once a person takes on shame, usually by experiencing rejection or disapproval, it makes sense to them to choose a winning formula that will help them avoid that. So they conclude something like: “Hey, I’ll always be real nice, cheerful and accommodating, will give tirelessly and make everyone else happy, then I’ll get what I need in return.”

So while the pleaser gives selflessly, he receives little and resents intensely, and this creates the fertile ground on which he and his wife will present in therapy – usually in one of two scenarios:

1. The wife is no longer sexually attracted to her husband or he has become (from her perspective) asexual. She wants him to take charge, to make plans, have a strong opinion, exhibit passion about life and her, to take a stand against people who treat them unfairly, to be more adventurous or take a business risk, or to just “be more of a man.”

2. The pleaser has been waiting for his partner to figure him out and meet his needs, but she hasn’t because she cannot read minds. Stored resentment becomes combustible and one day he erupts like a volcano, suddenly spewing the brutal truth about what an inconsiderate, selfish, cruel and horrible woman he is married to. She is dumbfounded. He either wants out or will stay and enter into a period of self-absorption, noncooperation and hostility.

Men often make the misguided decision that what women want is a super-nice man who helps, gives and accommodates, and they truly believe that life will be more peaceful if they let the woman have her way. But all you have to do to find out what makes a woman hot under the collar is to pick up any romance novel and read about the hero – he’s always a sexually passionate man who is kind, but strong. He is wildly attracted to his woman, he takes charge, knows what he wants, is determined, action-oriented, always has a plan, and will go to the end of the earth and slay dragons to show his love for and protect his lady. His woman feels totally adored, cherished and safe by his side. This, at the end of the day, is a slightly exaggerated version of what most women want in a man.

If a man is kind and strong, it allows us to be feminine, which is our natural set point. That way we can be in our male action-energy at work, and turn it off and be soft and vulnerable at home with our strong, kind man. Warning: If a woman has to take charge at work and at home, it will emotionally wear her down.

So how did men turn into wimps? For thousands of years, male and female roles were stereotypical and traditional. Most men were dominant and worked or hunted and provided, and most women were submissive and stayed at home with the kitchen and kids. Then in the 1960’s and 70’s women began to succeed in their fight for equal rights in education and careers, and began entering the workplace in record numbers – and this was good news for us, but it also changed the marriage game as millions of women now capable of taking care of themselves began divorcing their dominating husbands.

While men got softer in order to help around the house and to avoid being a dominating asshole, women got tougher in order to get ahead in their careers, and neither was aware of how important it was not to lose their natural male and female energy once back at home. Men also failed to learn that on one end of the spectrum there is a wimp or a pleaser, and on the other end is the dominating asshole – too many chose to be the wimp thinking it was the right thing to do. However, what women long for and need is the man in the middle who is strong, action-oriented, passionate, take-charge, considerate and kind.

As much as I would love to solve this issue in one blog, the most important thing for now is to raise awareness, as that is the first step in creating change. I feel that the Pleaser Syndrome that exists in both men and women destroys individual happiness, marriages and families. It hurts our society. There are many ways to start the recovery process, and the books listed below are fantastic resources that I highly recommend. ****

*Identifying information has been changed.

** Both men and women can be pleasers, but in this article I am referring specifically to men. For women I recommend the book: “Disease to Please,” by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D. http://www.harrietbraiker.com/DiseasetoPlease.htm

*** The books below are highly recommended for men and also influenced the content of this article:
1. “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” by recovered pleaser Robert Glover, Ph.D. http://www.drglover.com/
2. “Hold on to Your N.U.T.S., the Relationship Manual for Men. By Wayne M. Levine, M.A. http://goo.gl/7X8ynM
3. “Way of the Superior Man,” by David Deida. http://www.deida.info/

**** At the core, the Pleaser Syndrome is a symptom of codependence. Here are great resources:

1. The book, “Facing Codependence,” by Pia Mellody: http://www.piamellody.com/
2. Al Anon – for people in relationship with addicts and pleasers: http://www.al-anon.org/
3. CoDA – A 12-step group for people seeking codependence recovery – http://coda.org/

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Amicable Divorce Is the New Black

America’s beloved celebrity couple, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, known colloquially as “Bennifer” marked their 10 year anniversary this week with a divorce.

But Affleck and Garner shocked tabloids with a public statement brimming with amicable divorce language, defying the drama-hungry hype:

“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce. We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children.”

They refused to portray their divorce as a failure and decided that it will not tear their family apart. Sources from US Weekly report that instead of lawyering up, the couple plans to dissolve their marriage swiftly and efficiently with a mediator. Not because they aren’t in pain; divorce is both private, gut-wrenching pain and a strain on the entire ring of social relationships. And in the face of that pain, revenge can be a seductive promise. But they’re choosing amicable for the sake of their family. No matter what happens, their kids will always come first. They want a seamless transition and a structure for managing their property and lifestyle around that goal. They’re keeping their family out of the courts to end the 10-year marriage with dignity, a move which E! News online calls “divorce done right.”

E! News, we completely agree.

This isn’t the first time amicable divorce went viral; new-age “Conscious Uncoupling” philosophy dropped during the 2012 split of celebrity couple Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, when they publicly declared that while not all marriages last forever, “we are, and always will be, a family. We are parents first and foremost.” Conscious Uncoupling, first introduced by relationship therapist Katherine Woodard, opens up a road to healthier family relationships within the divorce context, reframing our culture’s high divorce rate as a calling to learn a new way of being in relationships.

These recent celebrity divorces have set the public stage for a reversal from acrimonious to amicable, but this dignity it’s just for celebrities. Their story mirrors a generational trend: we’re shaking off the story we’ve been told by our parents and grandparents, the story of polar opposites: marriage is either lifelong commitment or bitter failure. Increasingly, American couples are choosing to forego the war-of-the-roses divorce for a child-centered approach. And by choosing to put our kids first, we’re reframing our entire conception of family commitment. It’s not a failure to de-commit to a relationship that is no longer working, and in fact we can renew our commitment to our shared goal of raising a healthy family. We don’t have to devolve into a bitter power struggle. We can break out of the box of 16th century wedding vows and the stigma that follows them. We can re-write our story, and set our own expectations both for marriage and divorce.

Thanks for the headlines. Now let’s take it further.

It’s encouraging that popular media is helping fan the amicable movement. But here’s where the tabloids are getting it wrong: they’re putting the wrong spin on the story; asking Affleck and Garner’s personal friends (and blog commenters) to answer the burning question: what went wrong? Why did America’s perfect couple fail to live up to our expectations? The tabloids are probing into the couple’s history, whittling the complex puzzle of a human relationship into a few cliche warning signs: they attended marriage counseling, spent time apart and admitted to marriage being hard work. But wait, doesn’t that sound like a real marriage? Conflict is an inevitable scenario in every relationship and what defines us is how we react, how we use conflict as a tool to deepen our understanding of the human beings in front of us. Marriages aren’t all candy and roses, and the story doesn’t end with Happily Ever After. Uncoupling isn’t the failure, maybe it’s our ancient “till death do us part” expectations that failed to live up to the reality of relationships. And maybe it’s time to, publicly, let those expectations go.

So I say, maybe nothing “went wrong” with Bennifer. Maybe this is just another story of a couple whose marriage has expired after a long and successful run, and now it’s time to lovingly de-commit. As a divorce professional and a child of a bitter divorce, I’m committed to building an infrastructure for amicable divorce. I believe that with a slight shift in our thinking, amicable is the path of least resistance. And with the right framework it can be both accessible and realistic. I’m heartened to see amicable divorce becoming a media buzzword. Together we’re making a cultural change, a change that starts with committing to do things better for our families, for our future relationships and our evolving definitions of love and marriage.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

What It’s Like To Date After Divorce In Just Three Words

40s date

If you’re getting back into the dating scene after a divorce, you’re no doubt realizing that things have changed quite a bit since you were last single. (Tinder and ghosting and what to wear — oh my!)

You’re not the only one who’s a bit befuddled by the whole process. We recently asked HuffPost Divorce readers to sum up their post-divorce dating experience in just three words. The general consensus? It can drive you crazy but once you meet someone you connect with, it’s ultimately worth the effort.

1. what is it

2. other womens exes

3. who has time

4. date yourself first

5. kids

6. invig

7. conflicting

8. wonderful

9. weirdos

10. full time job

11. lower

12. much better sex

13. easier than marriage

14. love it

15. wth

16. check please

17. better

18. haystack

19. many frogs

20. miserable then amaze

21. ha ha ha

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Affleck, Garner announce plans to divorce

A day after their tenth wedding anniversary, Hollywood couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner issue statement announcing plans to divorce. John Russell reports.


Reuters Video: Entertainment

Find your Soulmate Live webcam chat!

9 Things You Need To Know About Dating Someone Going Through A Divorce, Because You’ll Likely Have To Interact With Their Ex At Some Point | Bustle

The older we get, the more inevitable it’s going to be we date people who already have a marriage behind their belt. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in fact, it proves they were — and therefore likely still are — able to really commit to someone.  Still, there are some things to be wary of, and just like everything else in life, timing is everything; it can play a larger factor when dating someone going through a divorce; even a couple of months can make all the difference in the world. 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Divorce Doesn’t Go Away and 9 Other Pointers Every Divorced Person Needs You to Know

We all know someone who’s divorced or divorcing or thinking about it. When we hear a couple is splitting, we feel a momentary sadness for them and then move on to our next task. Why? Because divorce isn’t shocking anymore. It’s become an unfortunate rite of passage for nearly 50 percent of us. But the numbers mean little to the people who have gone — or are going — through the process. The strength in numbers thing doesn’t apply to divorce because each and every divorce is uniquely decimating.

So, be mindful. Know that divorced folks are hurting in ways that may never resolve despite their best efforts to move on. Here are some tips for not shooting yourself in the foot around those who’ve dismantled their marriages and lives.

1. Being divorced isn’t a character flaw. Recently, I heard some friends discussing a male acquaintance. They didn’t have very many kind things to say about the guy. One friend chimed in while simultaneously rolling her eyes, “Well, he’s divorced so…” What the heck does that mean? That the ending of his marriage proves that he’s not of sound mind or character? Being divorced means his marriage didn’t work out and that’s it.

2. Being divorced doesn’t mean they can’t complain about the fallout. Even those in favor of ending their marriages may not be prepared for the emotional and financial consequences of doing so. Life is entirely pulled to pieces after a divorce. It’s a tough and lonely struggle. So, when your divorced friend complains she’s having a hard time making ends meet, your response should not be, “Well, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

3. Divorce doesn’t go away. Divorce is something you do that forever becomes something you are. It becomes part of the fabric of your being. Don’t dismiss someone’s divorce with, “Oh, that was ages ago! You must have completely moved on by now!” That’s not how it works. The long-reaching implications of divorce — emotional, financial, psychological — may never completely resolve.

4. Divorce isn’t always the reason kids screw up. Heck, doesn’t everyone’s kids screw up at some point? To assign a child’s behavior to his parent’s divorce isn’t entirely fair. Do kids sometimes act out as a result of divorce? Sure. But there may be something deeper going on that warrants a closer look. “Oh, well, you know his parents are divorcing,” is dismissive and unfairly judgmental.

5. Their next relationship isn’t a cure-all. So, your divorced friend is now in a good relationship. And you’re so happy for him. It seems this time around he’s really found Mr. or Ms. Right. But these new relationships are far more complex. Perhaps there are stepkids involved. Or angry, vindictive exes to deal with. Be patient with your friend as he navigates this often sticky road of second marriage.

6. Divorce changes friendships. When folks re-partner, there are a lot of traditions to merge. You may have spent the last 20 years celebrating every July 4th with your divorced friend, but now she has a partner who has spent the last 20 years celebrating it differently. Now your friend must make choices and compromises. Although it shakes up your expectations, be compassionate with her as she makes the hard decisions in order to keep her new relationship on track.

7. Don’t flaunt your intact family. Of course, you’re thrilled you’re celebrating your 20th wedding anniversary or gleefully planning the trip of a lifetime with your spouse, but be mindful to whom you’re speaking. There’s nothing wrong with telling your divorced friend about your plans, but be sure you’re not flaunting hurtful circumstances your friend has little chance of ever duplicating. Would you gush about parenting and pregnancy to someone who’s struggling with infertility? Of course not. So same goes for life’s milestones your divorced friend may never get to celebrate.

8. Don’t say you know what they’re going through. Because if you haven’t gone through it, you don’t. Divorce is a loss that shakes up one’s life on every conceivable level. And there are far and few other circumstances you can say the same about. Better to say, “I might not understand everything you’re going through, but you can always count on me to listen.”

9. Be ready to choose sides. This is a tough one you may swear you’ll never do but then life with your divorced friend proves to be complicated. Perhaps his new wife is at constant odds with your friend, his ex. Turns out that inviting them both to your daughter’s wedding may prove disastrous. Ask yourself which one was your true friend before their divorce. If that’s crystal clear, your decision has been made. If both partners were your true friends, speak with them about how to handle these uncomfortable situations. They will be better at guiding you because they’re living it every day.

10. Don’t disappear. Your friend needs you now more than ever. Get comfortable with divorce if you’re not. Your friend is not a social pariah, she’s a wounded puppy. She feels helpless and hopeless at times, regardless of how her life looks from the outside. Help her walk this difficult path knowing you play an intrinsic and irreplaceable part in her healing process.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

4 Valuable Post-Wedded Lessons I Learned From My Divorce

It wasn’t love at first sight and I didn’t get married young. After years of average dates, hot hookups, and bad breakups, I’d actually found The One. Our love grew out of a deep friendship, which I believed was the secret to a lasting marriage.

This love was forever…until it wasn’t.

The wedding day is one of the most coveted times of a woman’s life. But what happens when marriage memories get trampled on, along with your heart? What’s the best way to deal with these symbols of love and commitment to the future, which have lost their meaning?

Deal With the Dress.
When I moved out of our house, I left my Vera Wang wedding dress propped up in a windowed box in the guest room closet, conserved like a museum piece. I didn’t want to take this painful reminder of my “happily-ever-after” day. From wishful white gown to mournful black, Juicy Couture sweats with suitcases in hand, a bunch of boxes, and a few bits of furniture, I left my marriage behind to make a fresh start.

Maybe deep down I thought when my ex-husband cleaned out that closet after I left, he would see the dress and feel shame or remorse for his affair. Neither happened. I don’t know what ever happened to that dress, but I do know that I let my martyrdom get the best of me that day.

Whatever you do, deal with the dress. Donate it, sell it, or have a stellar “trash-the-dress” party. It’s yours to do with what you will. And you’ll feel better by having your say about what happens to it.

Put Your Ring On the Market.
I kept my engagement ring because I thought I could use the diamonds to make a necklace for our daughter’s 16th birthday. I put it in a box with her Halloween tiger costume, her baby booties, and several other mementos I thought she might want some day. Years later, I came across the Tiffany ring receipt in a jewelry box. At that moment, I decided that it would be better to just sell it. But when I opened that keepsake box and dug to the bottom, the ring was gone. As with my dress, I don’t know what happened to it. Yet another lost opportunity for closure.

Put your ring on the market. No matter how you rationalize it, there’s no good reason to hang on to love-tarnished diamonds. Put them to positive use instead.

Let Your Daughter Wear the Tiara.
I’d forgotten all about the tiara until my daughter had “crazy hair day” at school and found it, stuffed in the back of a drawer. “Oooh, can I use this?” she asked. I stared at the tiara, once perched on my head like I was a Disney princess. Now it looked like a piece of costume jewelry. In some ways, it had been part of a costume. “Sure,” I said. With her hair teased, rainbow hair clips, and that twinkling tiara perched on top, I knew it was always meant to be hers.

Keep Some Photos for Historical Reference, if Necessary.
I know this sounds counterproductive. When my husband left, I was 8 months pregnant. In the hospital room the day after our daughter was born, he said, “Maybe we should’ve never gotten married.” That was a crusher. His words cut into me. It took all my strength to keep standing.

Days before I moved out, I opened a box and there were my Maui wedding photos. An idyllic couple in love stared back at me. I broke down in tears. I couldn’t stop sobbing as I stuffed them one by one into a garbage bag. At the bottom were several framed photos. For some reason, my instincts said to keep those. Why I didn’t toss them in the trash or do a ritual bonfire, I didn’t know.

Years later, I found out why.

I was driving on the freeway and out of the blue my daughter asked, “Mommy? Why weren’t you and Daddy ever married?” It was all the talk at school that day, and since most of her friends had married parents, she felt like the odd kid out. When we got home, I dug out those framed photos and showed them to her. I told her the story of how we met, fell in love, and how that love gave birth to the greatest thing in our lives. So, keeping those photos was my way of documenting the love that created her.

I knew our marriage was meant to be, just as I now know it was never meant to last. Today I’m engaged to an amazing man and I’ll walk down the aisle for the second time in my life (yes, I’ll wear white, but I’ll skip the tiara). Photos will be snapped and framed. Memories will be preserved. But the most important thing I’ll have with this new love is a new perspective…because love isn’t just better, it’s smarter the second time around.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

5 Lessons the Fourth of July Teaches You About Divorce

2015-07-03-1435959878-5007149-fourthofjuly.jpg

The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays, but it wasn’t until the middle of my divorce that I realized how much divorce and the Fourth of July have in common.

What you ask? Well, just read through the Declaration of Independence (and if you’ve never actually seen those words it’s high time you read it for yourself.)

The first paragraph alone is full of terms like “dissolving political bands” and “assuming a separate and equal station.” If that’s not divorce speak, I don’t know what is. So this Fourth of July while you are celebrating our nation’s independence, and in between barbecues, beer and overcooked hot dogs; take a moment to find the lessons this holiday can teach those of us going through divorce. Take a look.

1 . There will be fireworks.

Firecrackers, Roman candles and enormous firework displays that light up the entire night sky; [Tweet “The Fourth of July is all about pyrotechnics. Well, so is divorce.”] You are gonna have fights, skirmishes, arguments; explosions large and small will blow up on your way to a finalized divorce. It’s gonna happen. So be prepared when those fireworks begin.

2. Remember why you left.

In the Declaration of Independence the founders of our nation outlined all the reasons that this whole colony thing wasn’t working for them anymore. They outlined their reasons. The King established taxes without representation. Kept standing armies in their midst. The colonies were clear on exactly why they wanted to dissolve the marriage to Great Britain. In the same way, [Tweet “We need to be clear and remember why we chose to end our marriage.”] Remember the problems in your marriage, remember what didn’t work for you any longer. Remember these things not to wallow in the past, but to avoid glossing over all the crap that didn’t work in the relationship. If you don’t keep in mind the bad, it’s too easy to fall back into viewing the past a whole lot brighter and shinier than it probably was.

3. You are able to decide your own destiny.

Remember that whole “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” thing? Well, that applies to you too. You have a right and a responsibility to find your own best life after a divorce. You’re now the person in charge of your own happiness. No more blaming your Ex, or expecting anyone else to swoop in with a big ball of happy for you. It’s your duty to pursue the life you want to live on your own. It’s your time to go and find it. No excuses.

4. It took a battle to get here.

Our nation had to fight for nine years to attain freedom. It was a long and bloody battle towards independence. Know that more than likely your journey to independence will be a battle too. It will be bloody, and messy. Don’t run from the battle. That never works. Stand strong and be prepared. And like the United States and Britain became allies again, once your own personal war of divorce is over, maybe you and your former spouse can be friends again too. (That part might take a while but an eventual peace is something to work for.)

5. Don’t forget to celebrate your independence.

Every once in a while take the time to celebrate your own victories. Celebrate that you are either divorced or on your way. What if you didn’t ask for the divorce? Celebrate anyway. Think of all the new adventures and surprises awaiting you. It doesn’t mean you have to throw yourself an out and out party with hats and streamers and a DJ, but once in a while maybe you can pause and say a little “Yay me!”. We’ve worked hard to get here.

Have a wonderful Fourth of July!

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Healing After Divorce in 5 Allegories: I Was Married to the Wizard of Oz, But I Never Thought to Pull Back the Curtain

I studied and analyzed a lot of literature in college, and I came to realize in these mid-to later years of life that I learn best and with deeper understanding through parable and allegory. This literary inclination, in many ways, saved my life after my husband decided our marriage was over.

My divorce shook my world and kept me reeling for a very long time. I was hashing and re-hashing constantly; what exactly happened? What could I have done differently? was it really my fault? I had relentlessly been told that I was to blame. I could not break free of these thought loops in my brain. I was still so reactive to every accusatory, angry email and text message he sent.

Towards the end of our 20-plus year marriage I was not happy. Once he left, I felt a calm freedom knowing the dread I had felt every night — would it be the angry person or the calm one who would turn his key in the lock — was gone. But still, I couldn’t move on. I was stuck desperately trying to understand and change the past. That is until I mentally re-wrote the script of my marriage by accepting these 5 allegories:

1. The Wizard of Oz Perhaps you were married to someone like this — an outwardly formidable person who needs to be in control and to have final say. He fights hard to believe his own delusion — that he is imposing and right. You learned to tiptoe around him to avoid a fight, and to let him be infallible. But it is all bravado on his part — it stems from fear and an actual sense of powerlessness. Until you pull back the curtain and see the “small” man desperately working the illusion, you cannot be in control of your own destiny — you give him power over you. Although the wizard demands that you, “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain,” you must, in order to see him for who he really is and to move on with your life.

2. The Golem You are most likely familiar with the psychological term projection: It’s “a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people.” Often, we, the spouses, serve as our ex’s projections. The Jewish legend of the Golem is a good analogy. The Golem was a manmade creature whose role it was to serve and protect, and destroy the enemies of its creator. If you were like me, your ex fashioned you into his golem. Imagine you were a sentry standing guard, there to shield him from his innermost feelings of inadequacy, his “enemies”– if he was not happy in the marriage, it was your fault; if something went wrong, it was your slip-up; if his life was not measuring up to what he had hoped for, you were somehow culpable. You were this being that served as the root of his life’s disappointments. In legend, the Golem eventually becomes unmanageable and turns on its master — It has taken me a very long time to, in fact, become “unmanageable” and breakaway from this self-imposed incarceration.

3. The Doppelganger Maybe you can relate — I have a Doppelganger. There is me, the person who I know myself to be — loving mother, caring daughter and sister, devoted friend and benevolent human being — and then the “double-walker”, also known as the evil twin. This other me is apparently; “on an entitled horse”, “a selfish b**ch,” and “f**ked up,” and my ex has her walking around in this world. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. It unnerves me that he has constructed this malicious persona — that there are people who hear about me, or see me or meet me, and they are filled with my ex’s distortions. But, I am beginning to grasp that I have to let her be, my Doppelganger — for she walks in his world, not mine.

4. Stockholm Syndrome The ex was angry, controlling — a bully. It may be you were or are married to someone like this. So why do we stay? Why do we forgive the browbeating and yelling and blaming and still “love” them? And why are we still hooked in? I use the concept of Stockholm Syndrome to understand it. The dictionary definition is, “an emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress, dependence and a need to cooperate for survival.”

Okay, that’s a little strong. We aren’t actually held captive; I personally did not fear for my survival. But the essence is right on. The stress is pretty persistent because we never know when to expect an outburst — “Did I do something wrong? Did I forget something? Did I not pay enough attention?” So we work really hard to avoid any discord. We are constantly walking on eggshells. Combine that with the incredible relief when our spouse does not get triggered and hostility is avoided, or when there are small acts of kindness and care. Then we are profoundly grateful to be treated well. This intermittent reinforcement keeps us both vigilant and hooked. What happens is that we become so invested in trying to maintain the good parts of the relationship that all our energy becomes relentlessly focused on just getting through the day without rancor. So we stay, and keep feeding the problem.

5. There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk Perhaps you are familiar with this poem, Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson — if not, it’s something of a redeemer. *

“I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost . . . I am helpless. It isn’t my fault . . . It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall . . . it’s a habit . . . but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.”

What does this story mean for us — the divorced or separated? We all embarked on our romantic relationships with beginners’ eyes — we certainly didn’t know the degree of difficulties that would lie ahead. We “fell” into our problems, unawares.

The trouble soon began and continued; the anger, bullying, blaming…Yet we made excuses for it, and always, once the enmity had passed, denied, to ourselves, that the behavior was out of the ordinary. We traveled back down the same street, falling into the same hole, over and over. In time, we became fully stuck in our patterns — they became a vice and a vise, “If I just explain myself the right way he’ll understand and won’t be so angry”, “Maybe I did do something wrong”. We deluded ourselves into thinking we had the power to change the outcome. We continued to walk right into the hole with our eyes wide open.

Until…until it dawns on us — we realize, “That is him, those are his rules. I don’t have to abide by them.” We have learned to walk around the deep hole.

Why then do we choose to walk down that same street once we are aware of the dangers? We do it because we feel more comfortable with the perils that we know than the perils imagined. There is a commonly told story that old navigational maps used to warn about unchartered territories with the words, “There be dragons there.” When we finally choose to walk down another street it is unchartered territory — we have to take a great leap of faith, and this is incredibly daunting. This apt quote by writer André Gide really resonates: “One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” The new street may be terrifying at first, but in time, it will become known.

*Nelson, Portia. There’s a Hole in My sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery. Beyond Words Publishing Company, 1994. ISBN: 0941831876

http://excommunique.com/

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

As Same-Sex Couples Line Up To Wed, Others Celebrate The Right To Divorce

While courthouses around the nation are flush with same-sex couples ready to tie the knot, a New Orleans court has already seen another effect of marriage equality: divorce equality.

Shortly after the Supreme Court’s landmark marriage equality ruling on Friday, Anna Wellman and Stephanie Baus filed for divorce at the Orleans Parish Civil District Court in Louisiana after years of waiting.

Making “bittersweet history” — in the words of The Times-Picayune — the couple quickly finalized their divorce before the city’s first same-sex couple wed a few hours later.

Wellman and Baus were married in 2009 in Massachusetts, where marriage equality had been the law of the land since 2004. But when the pair decided to separate five years ago, they couldn’t divorce in their home state since Louisiana didn’t recognize their marriage.

Many states, such as Massachusetts, don’t have a residency requirement to get married, but do have one to divorce. Depending on local laws, couples are required to reside in the state from six months to two years before getting a divorce. Before the Supreme Court’s ruling, a same-sex couple seeking a divorce could end up tied financially, legally and emotionally to a partner regardless of whether they wanted to be.

And while that hurdle has been overcome in the wake of the Supreme Court’s ruling, a host of other complexities involved in dissolving a same-sex union have cropped up.

Family attorney Michael Bialys with the California-based Gay Family Law Center told The Huffington Post that the tricky part with same-sex marriages is knowing when the clock starts on those unions, which affects common divorce issues like the division of property.

“Let’s say I live with my partner in 2000. The minute we can become domestic partners in 2009, we do. And in 2012, we get married officially. And in 2015, we want to divorce: That issue hasn’t been really addressed,” Bialys said. “Are you entitled to all the benefits of marriage retroactively?”

Traditionally in common-law states such as Colorado or Kansas, the clock on a union can start once a couple passes the cohabitation threshold for a common-law marriage, even if they never get officially married. In civil states such as Louisiana and California, assessing the couple’s community property starts only when they officially marry, regardless of how long they were together before that.

Custody may prove another tricky situation for divorcing same-sex couples, due to traditional perceptions of caregiver roles (which usually favor the mother) and biological ties when a child shares DNA with one or neither of the parents.

Just as overall divorce laws took a few decades to be fully formed, laws surrounding same-sex divorces may take a while to get up to speed.

“In the ’50s, people weren’t getting divorced, and in the ’60s when it was happening more, the law caught up — but it realistically took about 20 years for the law to catch up,” Bialys said. Same-sex couples, he notes, may be in for a similarly long wait.

“It’s going to be a while, and there are going to be inconsistencies in the decisions.”

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Divorce, Grandparents, and the Rest of the Family

Divorce, no matter that circumstances, impacts more than the nuclear family, especially when families may have existing boundary issues.

Southern California psychotherapist and relationship expert Stacy Kaiser, contributor to Live Happy Magazine, advises, “Families need a structure but with some flexibility within that structure for unusual circumstances.”

That might mean switching off every other Thanksgiving but one year, the Grandma and Grandpa are taking the whole family on a Fiftieth Anniversary trip – and it’s not your year. It’s better for the kids and the divorced couple if both are willing to occasionally bend the schedule for good reason.

Grandparents and extended family may need to be educated that this is a new situation with certain rules in place. Within the structure, lay out how it’s going to be 95% of the time, with room for some flexibility.

Family functions like bar or bat mitzvahs, graduations, and weddings may require sorting out logistics such as seating. The hardest thing about being divorced, shares Kaiser, is the need to do lots of strategizing and planning to avoid conflict.

“When you’re mad at someone and have issues, it’s hard to do that but critical,” shares Kaiser. “People in the wings don’t want to feel punished because you two didn’t work out,” she says. “Extreme personality types don’t make it easier when you’re divorced. Even within a marriage, there may be extra people in the bed. When you’re divorced, there may be extra people pulling on the rope.”

As with many issues post-divorce, people may lose sight of what’s best for the kids because they’re busy thinking about what they want and not what’s best for the grandkids. Kaiser stresses the importance of setting boundaries while being flexible and reasonable, with a willingness to make changes if needed.

People in divorce often put winning over what’s best for everyone and then, everyone loses. That’s why I always tell people that divorce is really hard. On top of that, you have to be clean-headed and rational, good at problem solving and strategizing, keeping in mind what’s best for the kids, shares Kaiser.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Head to the Bahamas With Their Kids in Wake of Divorce News

As promised, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are remaining united in spirit for the kids.

The whole family is at their home in the Bahamas together, E! News confirmed Thursday. It would…


E! Online (US) – Top Stories
Entertainment News! –

Explore the world of Hustler today! Click now and enjoy…

Explore REAL today for the most erotic amateur sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Visit VCAXX Classics for the classics in adult entertainment at its best! Click now!

Hustler Taboo features the kinkiest sex online! Click now and enjoy!

Same-sex Marriage, Divorce and Love in the Second Act

I was on Twitter this morning and realized that I retweeted an article outlining 7 signs that you should divorce right after I sent a tweet celebrating the Supreme Court of the United States’ historic ruling legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide. I had to smile: in my world, marriage is followed by divorce in 140 characters or less.

I may be the Divorce Doula but I still believe in the institution of marriage and that everyone — regardless of sexual orientation — has the right to marry the person they love. I join millions of people celebrating the Supreme Court’s decision today and wish many people long, happy, beautiful marriages. I will also support anyone who decides to end their marriage. No judgement or discrimination will ever appear on this blog. I began writing Divorce Doula to tell my own story of overcoming a failed marriage to find respect, honesty and humor in my co-parenting adventures with my ex-husband. Over the years, my blog has evolved and become a resource and place of hope for others. I’m proud of this growth and will continue to write about my relationship with my ex, our fantastic kids and my life in The After Wife.

But I sometimes wonder: will living in The After Wife mean that I will always be divorced?

Here’s something that as a proudly, happily divorced woman I don’t often share: I’d love to get married again. I loved being married and for a long time, I was really good at it. I’m very content in my current relationship with The Ginger Snap: we are happily, deliriously, deliciously in love, share important core values and interests, and are deeply committed to one another. We have our own lives that are very separate from one another but at every moment of every day, I know that he loves me and would do anything to make me happy. He is, in the simplest of middle-age relationship vernacular, My Person. The intellectual, independent and fiercely feminist part of me reminds me that I don’t need a husband. I’m a financially independent professional with a big life that includes many friends, interests and a wonderful family. I am a woman who can travel solo, pay the bills, take care of the kids AND take out the trash, RSVP without a plus one and kill all of the spiders. I don’t need a husband but goddamn it, there are some days when I would really like one.

Like a schoolgirl, I fantasize about my Mulligan Wedding. I catch myself thinking about the Anne Sportun engagement ring, the poignant wedding song, a sunlit field in late August surrounded by our children and all of our loves as I walk toward my handsome husband-to-be. I am wearing The Perfect Dress. And that man, with his warm smile, infectious laugh and quiet strength is waiting for me at the end of the aisle, offering me the chance to do over all the things I fucked up in my first marriage.

My ex-husband and I discuss our children — their development, their education, their misbehavior, their hilarity — all the time. That is the bond that we will always share but we rarely go deeper. We don’t often discuss our personal or professional situations. I never know when he is having a great day or a shit day and I rarely discuss my days from him. Our days as partners in crime are long over but there are days when I long for a post-dinner conversation with my man that doesn’t involve Minecraft, body odor or homework. Sharing an incidental or intimate moment from our day over a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Waking up with in the morning with his arms wrapped around me, imprinting me with his love until he can hug me again that night. Sharing adventures and weathering difficult times, watching me soar to new heights but there to catch me should I fall.

If there is one thing that I have learned in the After Wife it’s that divorce is hard but marriage is much harder. A beautiful wedding is just the beginning of a lifetime of commitment, communication, sacrifice and compromise, of great joy and tough times. Should I get married again, it will not be for the wedding or the chance to right the wrongs of my first marriage. I will get married again because I will be truly ready to share the rest of my life to another person.

For now, I am happy with the status quo: I am in love and I am loved. I am hopeful that this relationship will continue to blossom and surprise me each day. I look forward to to discovering the hidden depths of this extraordinary man, to growing and inspiring one another. I don’t need to get married again but I am so grateful that I live in a country where two people who love one another can solidify their commitment through marriage. And that now, our neighbors to the South have finally, finally given their citizens the same basic human right. Love is love, gay or straight, married or unmarried.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

A Few Questions to Consider in Divorce Property Division Situations

This comment provides a very brief and incomplete educational overview limited to the complex law surrounding divorce property division. Always consult an experienced attorney and financial and tax professionals in all family law property matters.

Divorce property division involves numerous financial and legal issues. The following is a brief list of 20 questions, among many, that must be resolved.

1. Is there a valid marriage? Sometimes, among many possible situations, there may be a preexisting marriage, such as a common law marriage, without an intervening divorce. Creating a relationship history may be appropriate. Is an annulment or legal separation preferable to a divorce, given the unique circumstances and financial needs of the parties?

2. Do the parties understand, up-front, the likely expenses associated with the divorce, such as attorney’s fees, court costs and other professional fees? To what extent may the divorce court under applicable state law require one party to pay some or all of these expenses? Will proving the history and ownership of assets become relevant in a property division or result in a jury trial?

3. Do the parties understand the likely time-line and sequence of events in the divorce proceeding? Depending upon a variety of factors and the number of pending cases on the divorce court’s docket, time frames may vary. Are there adequate provisions for intervening expenses? Does one spouse have control of financial records, bank accounts, vehicle titles and other assets? Should the court be petitioned to require the sharing of assets and information?

4. Do the parties understand expected courtroom decorum and attire? Has a party been adequately prepared by her or his attorney concerning what is likely to occur in court and the potential questions if testifying? One cannot be over prepared when going before a judge or jury.

5. Precisely what is the date of separation? This may become important in determining the status of property and debts acquired after this date.

6. Do the divorcing spouses have an enforceable prenuptial or other property agreement or multiple agreements? If so, this may simplify the property division process; however, an agreement may be invalid if improperly created. Also, it may omit assets or be judicially determined to be unfair to a spouse.

7. Is the divorce being undertaken subject to “community property law” or “equitable division or distribution law?” Community property law originated with Mexico and Spain and is most common in southwestern states. In an incomplete and simplified generalization, community property law treats marriage much like a partnership with a presumption of joint ownership of property. Equitable distribution allows greater flexibility for a judge to consider factors such as the duration of the marriage and contributions of the spouses in achieving a “fair” division of assets.

8. Has all of the property been identified? Will the divorce court have meaningful and enforceable jurisdiction over assets located in other states or foreign nations? A spouse may attempt to conceal or skim assets, the many techniques of which are beyond the scope of this brief comment. Intangible assets and items such as future pension benefits may be easily overlooked. Accrued tax benefits, the value of professional practices, business goodwill, life insurance, unused reward benefits, club memberships, intellectual property and items in storage are just a few of many items to consider.

Did one spouse provide funds for the other’s advanced education and potentially have a right to reimbursement or a share of future earnings? Separate property that moved through a joint bank account, for example, may be subject to division. The ownership of pets and keepsakes are frequently hotly contested. New forms of reproductive technologies may create ownership issues regarding frozen eggs and embryos, for example.

Consult the Social Security Administration concerning possible benefits based upon your ex-spouse’s payment record if you are age 62 or older, were married at least 10 years and are currently unmarried.

One must think carefully and consult experienced professionals to be certain property has not been overlooked or undervalued. An experienced financial private investigator or forensic accountant may be necessary if one suspects that assets are being hidden.

9. Does a spouse have a valid claim that certain assets are her or his separate property? The issue of separate property is complex with the name on a deed or title or related documents not being conclusive evidence of exclusive ownership. It is frequently necessary to trace the history and transformations of assets (for example, from an item to cash that was used to purchase another item, etc.) in order to resolve ownership. Additionally, depending on state law, a court may have broad authority over all assets.

10. Have all marital and business related debts been identified? A spouse may discover that she or he has personal liability for a debt created by the other spouse. While a court may attempt to assign responsibility for a debt to one individual, creditors frequently still have enforceable legal rights again both parties. An “innocent spouse” may be able to obtain relief from unpaid taxes. Consult a tax professional. Understand the impact of the divorce on your credit rating and obtain a copy of your credit report to identify listed outstanding creditors and your current standing.

11. Has there been waste or dissipation of assets by a spouse? It may be possible to have the court require reimbursement of the expenses of an extramarital affair, for example. However, with the advent of no-fault divorce in the 1970s, fault as a factor in property division is frequently not considered. Nevertheless, depending on the state, domestic violence (truthful or false allegations) and social media communications may become important equitable (fairness) considerations. The facts surrounding business losses may become significant. A spouse’s knowledge and participation in business ventures may be equally important.

12. Is the value of all assets known? Inherited furniture or art, for example, may be valuable antiques. When in doubt have a professional appraisal made.

13. Are there marital assets that have either significantly appreciated or depreciated in value during the marriage or are likely to do so in the future? Has a financial professional reviewed possible future events in relation to these assets? For example, a business might be on the verge of a major expansion due to the efforts of a spouse. A thoughtful consideration of both events that have occurred during the marriage and may occur in the future are important.

14. Is a bankruptcy likely to occur in connection with the divorce or shortly thereafter? If so, the manner in which the property division is structured may become an important issue. For example, bankruptcy courts have broad authority over property and debts but not child support and spousal support. Also, an ex-spouse might be released from a debt in a manner that places the entire responsibility for repayment on the other ex-spouse. The precise language to be used in divorce court orders and decrees must be carefully reviewed.

15. Are minor children, disabled children or disabled spouses parties in the divorce? If so, a property division should take into account their present and future needs. Housing and transportation needs may override the desire of a healthy spouse to own a house or vehicle. Consider the present creation by court order of trust funds administered by a reputable financial institution to contain funds for college education expenses or other foreseeable future needs. Carefully restrict access to these funds.

16. Will the property division require continuing or future actions by a former spouse? Future actions may be difficult to enforce due to changes in circumstances or indifference or obstinacy by an ex. Be very cautious when creating such requirements. Be equally cautious when providing a spouse with funds to be spent in a particular way in the future, such as for college education expenses. It is easy for one to rationalize the misspending of money. A carefully crafted trust fund, as mentioned above, is a preferable option.

17. Are the spouses able to amicably negotiate or mediate? If so, significant expense and emotional stress may be avoided. However, be prepared to encounter typical negotiation tactics and blustering. Will you have consultants available to assist you?

18. Has a negotiated property settlement agreement been prepared by an experienced attorney and reviewed by a financial and tax professional? How will the agreement be enforced and are any potential enforcement mechanisms realistic? Understand that assets may disappear and ex-spouses vanish.

19. Has the divorce court incorporated the property settlement agreement into a judicial degree so that it has become final and irrevocable? Does it contain binding duties that may be enforced by a court? Are provisions as self-executing as possible or are they dependent upon future actions? An experienced attorney should appropriately accomplish this.

20. In the event that a party is dissatisfied with the decisions of the divorce judge, is there an appropriate procedural foundation for an appeal to a higher court? An experienced attorney will carefully “preserve error” and “protect the record” so that an appeal is possible.

This comment provides a very brief and incomplete educational overview of a complex topic and is not intended to provide legal advice. Always consult an experienced attorney, financial professional and tax professional in specific marital property situations.

— Thi