Coronavirus Funnies

Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do… cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.
We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants. I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter… you’re not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps
losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

When this is over… what meeting do I attend first… Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really
excited about car rides.

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Marriage Funnies

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

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A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called ‘Husband: the Master of the House?'”

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

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Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ‘darling, honey, love.’ What’s the secret?”

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”

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Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription … Simply showing marriage certificate
and wife’s picture is not enough!”

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There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married
and wonder what happened!

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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

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When a married man says, “I will think about it,” what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.

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A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake.”

Received from Kathy Derych.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Family Funnies

Cindy: Mommy, Zach broke my baby doll!
Mommy: I’m sorry, sweetheart. How did in happen?
Cindy: I hit him over the head with it.

Mother: Tommy, why did you kick your little sister in the stomach?
Tommy: I couldn’t help it. She turned around too quickly.

Johnny: Why are you down?
Mike: My sister said she wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks.
Johnny: Why does that upset you? Mike: Today’s the last day.

The Good, Clean Funnies List

Eclipse Funnies

What’s the most famous painting of an eclipse?
The Moona Lisa.

What did the sun bring to the solar eclipse party?
A light snack!

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What did the sun say when it reappeared after an eclipse?
“Pleased to heat you again.”

What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?
Fruit of the Moon!

How do you organize a solar eclipse party?
You planet.

Why didn’t the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

Why did the teacher bring solar eclipse glasses to school?
She had bright students!

Received from boyslife.org.
The Good, Clean Funnies List