Groaner: Obit

One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for
little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.

“What am I supposed to write?” the editor whined. “She liked puzzles?”

Just then one of our copy editors piped up, “How about, ‘Crossword fan is now six down.'”

(By James Vlahos)

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Groaner: Upon This Rock

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but he was so timid that he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist
that every time he got near her, he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

“Well,” his therapist responded, “if you want to get the girl, you’ll just have to be a little boulder!”

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Groaner: Sneezing and Sniffling

A little boy got a cold at school one day. He came home sneezing and sniffling, and his mother watched him with a knowing eye. Later that day, he was
playing with his older sister when his mother called him into the kitchen. She was an old-fashioned lady, and believed in some of the older methods of
treating illnesses. “Son, I know you’re not feeling very good,” she began. “Tomorrow for breakfast, don’t eat your normal sugary cereal. I’ll allow
you to have some LIFE cereal after you eat a bowl of oatmeal, though. See, it’s right here on the shelf,” she pointed.

“Now, afterwards, I want you to have your older sister make you some broth from that ground liver we have in the fridge.” Seeing the face he made, she
added, “and then you can have some of the leftover sweet tea.”

After the little boy came out of the kitchen, his older sister curiously asked, “What did she want?” He promptly replied, “She just gave me the rights
to LIFE, liver tea, and proper tea!”

Received from M. Rogers.
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Groaner: Immortal Dolphins

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his
supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
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Groaner: Olympic Village

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration
table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the
registration attendant.

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events,
meal tickets, and other information.”

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada.
Javelin.”

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good
luck!”

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table, and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”

The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy
yourself.”

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan – OH NO. He’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make
sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont.
Fencing.”

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Groaner: Chemistry Exam

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn
and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he’d
come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

“Well?” said the dean. “What is the formula for water?”

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Groaner: Leopard

Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.

John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?

Ed: We spotted a leopard.

John: Don’t be silly. They’re born that way!

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Groaner: Drama Class

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the
damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re
going through!”

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Groaner: Adopted

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led
to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its
step-siblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don’t we all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss the
problem.

It lamented that it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the family, and was generally forlorn. Their response was …
“Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

Received from Stan Kegel.
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