Happy summer, everyone! I know what you’re thinking. “Tater, where have you been?!” Where haven’t I been? It’s summer! I’ve buried my paws in the cool sands of my litterbox, basked in the sun-laden windowsill, run screaming from the flowing waters of the bathroom faucet (Felicia, I am not getting my hair wet!). All in all, it’s been a great summer. But one question I get more often than not is, “Tater, how do you get that flawless beach bod?”
Although I’m a gent who usually plays his cards close to his vest, I decided to help those less fortunate than me and share my top five beach body secrets. Are you ready? Are you ready to be drop-dead “oh my god, who IS that” gorgeous? Because with great power comes great responsibility.
Alright, here we go.
1. Start Juicing!
While I was up at 4 a.m. the other morning chasing a dust bunny, I saw this amazing infomercial for a juicer. And oh my god, I just knew I needed to get one! The models had such flawless skin and instant six packs I thought, “Why isn’t that me?” I knocked over the telephone receiver (a game I like to play regardless of ordering juicers) and pounced in a bunch of numbers (firetrucks showed up!!!) and in a couple days, my juicer arrived.
Truth be told I haven’t actually juiced anything yet, but the box is the sh*t!
2. Go low-carb.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I like my beer. But I also know that not everyone can pull off white fur (especially after Labor Day), so I have to be careful of my waist line. It’s okay to treat yourself once in a while. Just make sure you keep up a routine of randomly freaking the eff out and doing wind sprints across the apartment. You’ll be fine.
3. Practice those planks!
I hate plank poses. Seriously. And although curling up in a circular ball is way more comfy, it also makes you look fat! I’m sorry, but someone had to say it. Remember not to let your butt or tail stick up in the air. It’s all about “lines.” Just look how lithe and lean I look! That’s called practice, people. Also, my eyes are bugging out because I can’t do hippie dippie yoga without doing about 20 hits of cat nip. Namaste.
4. Find your light.
Half of looking super good is knowing your angles. I pretty much look amazing whether I’m hiding under a blanket or draped across a computer keyboard while you’re trying to work. But the right lighting can take you from looking like a schlub to cat food model in no time. Three words for you: three-quarter turn! Also, suck in that stomach. We know you’ve been eating treats.
5. Get active outdoors!
“But I’m an indoor cat!” Yeah, you’re an indoor cat with an indoor gut. That’s why you’re reading this article. It’s time to get out and get active!
And if you can’t get out, at least have your friends photoshop you participating in outdoor sports. Here I am sailing on a cat tree gondola in Riviera Maya. Did I really do it? No. Do I really care? No, but I look amazing!
Well, there you have it! Five easy ways to get yourself beach body ready! And should all of the above fail, there is one more trick to looking summer fierce: resting b*tch face. It’s one size fits all.
All photos courtesy of the author
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