Two Liners, Part 1

I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the heck am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip:
Don’t get emotionally attached.

95% of people are completely STUPID!
Luckily, I’m in the other 10%.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now.
New Jersey, I’m in New Jersey.

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

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Two Liners, Part 3

I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.
Best trade ever.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?
A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am okay.

I’d tell you a joke about the PlayStation 5,
but you probably won’t get it.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we’ve been spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food,
running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

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Two Liners, Part 2

It’s been raining for days, and my wife seems so sad looking through the window.
If it continues like this, I might have to let her in.

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero, that’s a hardware issue.

Here’s a bit of advice for you.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me its a coincidence!

What’s the only thing worse than constant advertisements?
You’ll find out right after these messages…

To the guy who invented infinity,
thanks for everything.

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One Liners

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Lewis Grizzard

“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, just drop them off at the wrong house.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering
if there is a man on base.” – Dave Barry

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” – Bob Ettinger

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you
how to swim.'” – Paula Poundstone

“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” – Roseanne

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold
enough. Let’s go west.'”- Richard Jeni

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” -Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”- Paul Rodriguez

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” – Mae West

“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress … But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My Goodness, you’re right I never would’ve thought of that!'” –
Dave Barry

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Author

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey

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Toilet liners to fix makeup? 15 Miss America beauty hacks you can actually use

No Vaseline-on-the-teeth tricks here. See what beauty hacks, tricks and tips these Miss America contestants use in their everyday lives.

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