News in Brief: Sauce-Spatter Analysis Allows Investigators To Reconstruct Horrific, Grisly Consumption Of Meatball Sub

ELIZABETH, NJ—Carefully analyzing the sizes and telltale patterns of the deep red stains, investigators reportedly conducted a thorough sauce-splatter analysis Tuesday to reconstruct the horrific, grisly consumption of a meatball sub that occurred inside a local marketing firm’s offices. “By measuring inward from the farthest-flung sauce droplets and testing how much moisture remained in them, we’ve determined that a roughly eight-inch sandwich—almost certainly smothered in melted provolone and marinara—was viciously devoured by the perpetrator less than an hour ago,” said lead investigator Heather Fischer, adding that based on the swath of crumbs spread across the desk and floor, it was likely that the grotesque event was over in a matter of seconds. “Moreover, this shiny grease spot here indicates that the oily Italian bread remained stationary for a brief period, possibly in order for the suspect to gulp down some Dr. Pepper, stuff a few …




The Onion

Cool Judge 2 – Meatball Edition

Cool Judge 2 - Meatball Edition

Cool Judge 2 – Meatball Edition 1:22
hey, let’s go get this judge a present. What do you think he’d like? A new bathing suit? Sure.
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