Short Puns

What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.

What is a sleeping child?
A kidnapper.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.

If you cross a pig and a young goat, what do you get?
A dirty kid.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.

What do you get if you cross a porcupine and a young goat?
A stuck-up kid.

A small boy swallowed some coins And was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

The butcher backed into the meat grinder And got a little behind in his work.

When is high finances mentioned in the Bible?
When Pharaoh’s daughter took a little prophet from the bushes.

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Puns for your Wednesday

There is a national celebration in Egypt this sunday? They take out all of the artifacts from the museums and put them on public display. The children
dance around them, and there is much laughter and gaiety. It’s mummy’s day. (Steve Jacobson)

Some power saws are a cut above the rest. (Pun of the Day)

The invention of the steamboat by Robert Fulton caused a network of rivers to spring up. (Richard Lederer)

The movie they made about this French guy who never says “goodbye” without delivering a batch of one-liners? “Au Revoir Runs Through Wit” (Gary

Members of the Audubon Society all look through their binocs and chant, “See! Hawks! See! Hawks!”(Cynthia MacGregor)

A note left for a pianist from his wife: “Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.” (Bad Puns)

The nonunion laundry worker said during a labor dispute, “Iron while the strike is hot.” (Frank Stewart)

Show me a really insulting telegram and I’ll show you a barbed wire! (Tony Thoennes)

The carpenter varnished without a trace. (Win Ben Stein’s Money)

What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor? Linoleum Blownapart. (Ron Klar)

England and America are two countries separated by the same language. (George Bernard Shaw)

Received from Stan Kegel.
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Musical Puns

Q: How did the tuba player kill himself?
A: He walked off a clef.

Q: How do musicians pay their debts?
A: With quarter notes.

Q: Why did the percussionist leave?
A: He was drummed out of the orchestra.

Q: Why did the opera house fire their male singer?
A: He was always singing tenor eleven notes off.

Q: Why aren’t fish allowed to play in an orchestra?
A: Because you can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish.

Q: Why did the conductor tell the trumpeter to stop talking?
A: He was always trying to blow his own horn.

Q: What do you call a conductor who is always giving his orchestra grief?
A: A treble maker.

Q: What does a musician use to sign his checks?
A: A time signature.

Q: Why was the clarinetist always cutting himself?
A: His music was always too sharp.

Received from Bill.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Short Puns

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions. (Pun of the Day)

A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance. “I’m having trouble with my eyes,” the man says. “I can’t see myself
going to work.” (A. Mathi)

When the Dow Jones average rises briefly to new heights, it can be referred to as ‘Upside Dow!’ (Syman Hirsch)

Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, “I’m so hungry, I
could eat a horse.” She smiled, handed me a menu and replied, “Well… you’ve come to the right place.” (Jakk Bass)

Take a tip from your Creator– your ears aren’t made to shut, but your mouth is. (Renee from Napa)

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall. (LOL)

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you’re forgetting the same thing over and over. (Daily

Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up. (Pierre Abbat)

Heart surgeons never bypass a good opportunity. (Pun of the Day)

Received from FranCMT2.
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The Bachelorette Recap: I’m Out of Irish Puns

This is, I'm pretty sure, the longest anyone's ever been in Ireland. And it's definitely the least anyone's ever done in Ireland. The group's activity has become constricted to levels just this side of the…

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