For whatever masochistic reason, the film “Batman & Robin” is trending on Netflix, and has been for a few weeks or so. Helmed and steered clear off a cliff by Joel Schumacher, “Batman & Robin” stars George Clooney as the caped crusader with nipples on his batsuit.
One of the plot points is that Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred is dying, and you see him in various scenes privately wincing from some unknown pain. Well, it’s clear now that just being in this movie was probably physically paining the actor who played Alfred, Michael Gough.
It’s an awful movie. And I fell for watching it.
It began like any other Saturday: no pants, a vague sense that I had embarrassed myself the night before, and the urge to drown my brain in some mindless Netflix viewing.
Thus began the eight stages of watching “Batman & Robin” on Netflix.
STAGE 1 – Optimistic Amnesia
Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I remember! I mean, it was goofy, I remember that much, but maybe it’s goofy in a “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” kind of way.
STAGE 2 - Regret
I’ve made a huge mistake.
STAGE 3 – Confusion
Who green-lit this? OMG, they just go-go-gadgeted ice skates from their boots. And now they’re fighting hockey team henchmen. Did Robin just pull out a laser gun? This feels wrong …
STAGE 4 – Uncomfortable Laughter
The only entertaining thing is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ice puns, because by comparison to the rest of the so-bad-it’s-funny film, those are high quality hilarity.
STAGE 5 – Pun Delirium
You no longer have a reasonable grasp on reality and your brain is quickly liquifying.
STAGE 6 – Full-On Joker Dementia
You’re a zombie. A jolly, smiling zombie.
STAGE 7 – Discombobulation
The standard notions of direction and position have lost all meaning. You are lost in a multi-dimensional spacial hellscape for which there is no escape.
STAGE 8 - Death
There’s no chance of resuscitation at this point. Like telling your friends you’ll stop out for “just one beer.” Once you’ve begun, it’s already too late.
Anyway, hello from heaven! It’s pretty nice up here! It’s all the Arnie puns you can handle, you get to watch Joel Schumacher try to direct his way out of a paper bag for all eternity, and the batsuits don’t have nipples!
Huge thanks to fellow lover of puns Kate Bratskier for taking a flurry of photos for me and being so … cool. She snows what’s up. (Also, apologies to Kate Bratskier for the previous sentence.)
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