Think Tim Jones’s Cosmic R&B Is Weird? Wait Until You Meet His Dummy

A new reissue shines a light on Jones, known as Preacherman, an obscure musician who has spent four decades fashioning his own instruments and philosophy.
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Episode 251 Scott Adams: North Korea, Climate Change, Guilty Until Innocent

Topics: 

  • MSM’s presentation of global warming is fraudulent
  • President Trump’s rally comments…
    • Democrats are the party of crime
    • Democrats are bringing you Socialism-Venezuela
  • Dr. Drew on Interface app yesterday
  • Increasing postal fees from China to pay for fighting Fentanyl
  • Jordan Peterson clarified his Kavanaugh statement
  • Kanye is off Twitter
  • Was the Pete Davidson SNL skit, telling Kanye to “stay in his lane”?
  • Pompeo and Chairman Kim big smiles photo

I fund my Periscopes and podcasts via audience micro-donations on Patreon. I prefer this method over accepting advertisements or working for a “boss” somewhere because it keeps my voice independent. No one owns me, and that is rare. I’m trying in my own way to make the world a better place, and your contributions help me stay inspired to do that.

See all of my Periscope videos here.

Find my WhenHub Interface app here.

The post Episode 251 Scott Adams: North Korea, Climate Change, Guilty Until Innocent appeared first on Dilbert Blog.


Dilbert Blog

Poor Until Payday – The Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band

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Poor Until Payday

The Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band

Genre: Blues

Price: $ 9.99

Release Date: October 5, 2018

© ℗ 2018 Family Owned Records marketed and distributed by Thirty Tigers

iTunes Store: Top Albums in Blues

Not Until You (Unabridged) – Corinne Michaels

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Not Until You (Unabridged)

Corinne Michaels

Genre: Romance

Price: $ 17.95

Publish Date: October 1, 2018

© ℗ © 2018 Corinne Michaels

iTunes Store: Top Audiobooks in Romance

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin Will Not Marry Until Next Year

Justin Bieber popped the question to Hailey Baldwin a nanosecond after getting back together in June, but we’ve learned they’re not rushing to the altar … not by a long shot. Sources with direct knowledge tell TMZ … Justin and Hailey are waiting…

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TMZ Celebrity News for Music


Dead Until Dark: Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery #1 (Unabridged) – Charlaine Harris

Charlaine Harris - Dead Until Dark: Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery #1 (Unabridged)  artwork

Dead Until Dark: Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery #1 (Unabridged)

Charlaine Harris

Genre: Sci Fi & Fantasy

Price: $ 20.95

Publish Date: September 12, 2007

© ℗ © 2007 Recorded Books

iTunes Store: Top Audiobooks in Sci Fi & Fantasy

Shailene Woodley Reveals She Almost Quit Acting – Until ‘Big Little Lies’ Changed Her Mind

Can you imagine “Big Little Lies” without Shailene Woodley?! The Golden Globe nominee revealed that she almost quit acting until the HBO smash came along, telling Porter Edit that she actually turned down the project at first before getting an important call from Laura Dern.


Access Hollywood Latest Videos

Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead – Dave Barry

Dave Barry - Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead  artwork

Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead

Dave Barry

Genre: Comedy

Price: $ 6.95

Publish Date: December 16, 1999

© ℗ © 1999 Blackstone Audio, Inc.

iTunes Store: Top Audiobooks in Comedy

Until Death Call My Name – YoungBoy Never Broke Again

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Until Death Call My Name

YoungBoy Never Broke Again

Genre: Hip-Hop/Rap

Price: $ 9.99

Release Date: April 27, 2018

© ℗ 2018 Never Broke Again, LLC

iTunes Store: Top Albums in Hip Hop/Rap

Rihanna Parties in NYC Until Morning After Met Gala

[[tmz:video id=”0_csi67s8p”]] When the sun shines, we all shine together — especially when Rihanna’s one of the first people there to greet you at daybreak after a night of celebrating an epic Met Gala. We got RiRi leaving a couple NYC nightclubs early…

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TMZ Celebrity News for Party All The Time


Justin Bieber to Skip Grammys, And All Award Shows, Until New Album’s Complete

Justin Bieber isn’t gonna show his mug at the Grammy Awards again — or any other award shows for that matter — until he’s got something new to show for it … HIS NEXT ALBUM!!!  Sources tell us Bieber is skipping the 2018 Grammys — just like he…

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TMZ Celebrity News for Music


Until Next Time – EP – Daniel Munoz

Daniel Munoz - Until Next Time - EP  artwork

Until Next Time – EP

Daniel Munoz

Genre: R&B/Soul

Price: $ 5.99

Release Date: December 29, 2017

© ℗ 2017 Daniel Munoz LLC

iTunes Store: Top Albums in R&B/Soul

Can Champs Vs. Stars Newbie Tori Beat The Odds And Fight Until The End?

Can ‘Champs Vs. Stars’ newbie Tori make it to the end?
News

Eli Manning embraced New York, and New York loved him back — until it didn’t

Eli Manning never wanted to be the Peyton Manning of the Big Apple. He wanted to be the Giants’ answer to Derek Jeter. And he succeeded, on and off the field.
www.espn.com – TOP
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Blake Griffin Parties Until 3 AM With Kendall Jenner After Clippers Lose

Losing streak be damned … Blake Griffin still had the energy to hit the clubs in NYC with Kendall Jenner on Monday night after getting shellacked by the Knicks. Blake and Kendall were spotted leaving Up & Down nightclub in Manhattan. The photo…

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TMZ Celebrity News for Party All The Time


First Watch: Until The Ribbon Breaks, ‘Here Comes The Feeling’

Until The Ribbon Breaks

The video for “Here Comes The Feeling” is filled with images and sounds of “taped” images winding and looping, mirroring a transformative time in the life of frontman Pete Lawrie-Winfield.

(Image credit: Koury Angelo/Courtesy of the artist)


Rock : NPR

ADULT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS UPDATE:Click and Enjoy!

Until My Voice Goes Out – Josh Abbott Band

Josh Abbott Band - Until My Voice Goes Out  artwork

Until My Voice Goes Out

Josh Abbott Band

Genre: Country

Price: $ 9.99

Expected Release Date: August 18, 2017

© ℗ 2017 Pretty Damn Tough Records

iTunes Store: Top Albums in Country

HBO Calls On Critics Of ‘Confederate’ To Withhold Judgment Until It’s Made

A social media campaign to derail HBO’s planned modern-day Southern slavery drama quickly caught fire, prompting the cable channel to ask detractors to withhold judgment until they see “Confederate.”


Access Hollywood Latest News

Look Back at Music’s Top Money Makers, 2010 Until Now

Glancing over the top ten Money Makers from 2010 to now, it's not Queen Bey, but Taylor Swift who takes the cake.
News, reviews, interviews and more for top artists and albums – MSN Music
ADULT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS UPDATE:Gabby Love’s top pick! Click and enjoy!

Until You – Jennifer McNare

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Until You

Jennifer McNare

Genre: Historical

Publish Date: June 1, 2012

Publisher: Jennifer McNare

Seller: Jennifer McNare


He swore he'd never love again… She'd risk her ravaged heart time and again to prove him wrong… Much to his aggravation, the wickedly handsome Duke of Sethe is wanted by every husband-hunting, title-chasing female in the country, or so it seems.   Twice betrayed by women he loved, Nicholas Leighton is no longer the gullible young fool he was in his youth.  Having grown cold and cynical, as well as older and wiser, he has vowed to never again allow another woman to affect him emotionally, for he has learned his lessons and learned them well.  So, when the breathtakingly lovely Ashleigh St. John suddenly and unexpectedly enters his life, as well as his home, he is determined to keep the alluring interloper at an emotional and physical distance.  Unfortunately, he quickly discovers that some things are easier said than done. Reckless and daring, Ashleigh St. John is an unconventional young lady with the heart of a hopeless romantic.  When she meets Nicholas Leighton she knows she has met the man of her dreams, but unfortunately, the man of her dreams seems bound and determined to keep her at a distance, hiding behind a self-erected wall of cool detachment and calculated indifference.   Willing to do almost anything to break through the intractable barriers that guard his heart, she will willingly surrender her innocence, and time and again risk her ravaged heart to ultimately win his trust, and more importantly, his love. The Reformed Rakes Series: Book 1 – Until You (Nicholas) Book 2 – You, and Only You (Alex) Book 3 – When Only a Rake Will Do (Brendon) (Although these books are part of a series, they can each be read as stand alone novels.) Original Publication Date: 6/1/2012

iTunes Store: Top Free Books in Romance

Until Dawn Nature Fights Back [Spoiler Warning]

Until Dawn - Nature Fights Back - Thumb

Our full playthrough of Until Dawn sent us in a spiral of violence against the animal kingdom.
GameTrailers.com Videos Hub

Until the End of the World – Sarah Lyons Fleming

Sarah Lyons Fleming - Until the End of the World  artwork

Until the End of the World

Sarah Lyons Fleming

Genre: Fiction & Literature

Publish Date: January 18, 2014

Publisher: Sarah Lyons Fleming

Seller: Draft2Digital, LLC


Cassie Forrest isn't surprised to learn that the day she’s decided to get her life together is also the day the world ends. After all, she’s been on a self-imposed losing streak since her survivalist parents died: she’s stopped painting, broken off her engagement to Adrian and dated a real jerk. Rectifying her mistakes has to wait, however, because Cassie and her friends have just enough time to escape Brooklyn for her parents’ cabin before Bornavirus LX turns them into zombies, too. This is difficult enough, but Cassie’s tag along ex-boyfriend and her friend’s bratty sister have a knack for making everything, even the apocalypse, more unpleasant. When the two attract a threat as deadly as the undead to their safe haven, Cassie’s forced to see how far she’ll go to protect those she loves. And it’s a lot farther than she’d anticipated. This, coupled with Adrian’s distant voice on Safe Zone Radio and, of course, the living dead, threaten to put Cassie right back into the funk she just dragged herself out of. Survival’s great and all, especially when you have leather armor, good friends and home-brewed beer, but there’s something Cassie must do besides survive: tell Adrian she still loves him. And to do that, Cassie has to find faith that she’s stronger than she thinks, she’s still a crack shot and true love never dies.

iTunes Store: Top Free Books in Fiction & Literature

News in Brief: Recent Graduate Figures She Might As Well Do Good In World Until Economy Picks Up

BINGHAMTON, NY—Saying it seemed like a perfectly fine way to bide her time, recent SUNY Binghamton graduate Brenna Novich told reporters Thursday that she might as well do some good in the world until the economy picked up. “It’s really tough to find any positions in the publishing industry right now, so I guess there’s no reason I can’t make a positive impact on the community while I wait for something to open up,” said Novich, adding that she would probably teach underprivileged children or advocate for an environmental organization while keeping an eye on job openings. “No harm in giving back to society until hiring gets going again. I doubt it’ll take more than a couple of years at most, but there’s plenty of opportunities making a difference in other people’s lives to hold me over.” At press time, Novich was relieved …




The Onion

Reba McEntire Releases ‘Until They Don’t Love You’ As New Single

Reba McEntire has released “Until They Don’t Love You,” the second single from her upcoming album, Love Somebody. In a statement, Reba says it’s a favorite live track for her and her band. “When we released Love Somebody, I was reminded of the power of my amazing fans!” she began.
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Until I Live – The National Parks

The National Parks - Until I Live  artwork

Until I Live

The National Parks

Genre: Pop

Price: $ 8.99

Release Date: August 4, 2015

© ℗ 2015 Groundloop Records

iTunes Store: Top Albums in Pop

Until Dawn Six Things You Need to Know About Until Dawn

Until Dawn - 6 things - Thumb

Why does this game about teens being hunted by a deranged killer make for such guilty pleasure B-movie fodder?
GameTrailers.com Videos Hub

Until September – Mark Battles

Mark Battles - Until September  artwork

Until September

Mark Battles

Genre: Hip-Hop/Rap

Price: $ 4.99

Release Date: July 2, 2015

© ℗ 2015 Fly America

iTunes Store: Top Albums in Hip Hop/Rap

12 Things You Don’t Understand About Divorce (Until You Get One)

There’s nothing easy about getting a divorce — and the judgment you encounter from otherwise well-meaning friends and family only makes it worse. The truth is, you don’t really know what it’s like to get a divorce until you’re on the brink of getting one.

To help clear things up, we asked HuffPost Divorce readers and bloggers to share the one thing they wish people understood about ending a marriage. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Divorce isn’t an option until it’s the only option.
“I really wish those ‘I want my first marriage to be my only marriage’ memes would just go away. No one goes into a marriage intending for it to end in divorce. Sometimes you fight like hell and work your tail off to keep your marriage afloat but realize you’re doing it alone. It takes two people to make a marriage and family work but if the other person doesn’t want to be with you, there’s not a whole lot left for you to do. It’s hard to ‘give up’ on your marriage but at some point you realize that there’s more to life and you have to do what’s best for you and the kids in the long run.” — Brittany Lewis

2. A divorce is never really “final.”
divorce 3

3. No two divorces are the same.
“This is because no two people are the same. What this adds up to is an endless combination of ways people choose to heal. Don’t judge, don’t pooh-pooh and don’t minimize the form a person’s grief takes. I was in a very controlling relationship and because of that, some of my friends thought that I would be so relieved to get out of that relationship — or that I would get over it more quickly. The truth is, you can’t really know how a person will respond.” — Lisa Miller

4. A marriage can’t be saved by one spouse alone.
“I was married in the church I grew up in. I said ’till death do us part’ and by the end of my marriage, I was so dead inside, I felt like that should count. I did my best to work through it but I couldn’t save it by myself.” — Angela Robbins

5. You feel every emotion under the sun.
divorce coaster

6. It is possible to divorce like grown-ups.
“It does not have to end with lawyers and catty, hair-splitting BS. You can be mature and fair and split amicably. Honest.” — Jess Nelson

7. Sorry, but your breakup has nothing on a divorce.
“Divorce isn’t like the time you had a really bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend. During my divorce, people would say ‘oh, yeah, I just broke up with my S.O., too.’ Nope. This is 100 times worse. On a soul level, it’s so much harder.” — Katie Shirey

8. Divorce feels a bit like a death in the family.
“I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage.” — Wendy Mooney

9. Divorce isn’t a dirty word.
divorce 1

10. Ending a marriage is never easy.
“Divorce is anything but the ‘easy way out.’ Making the decision to get divorced is life-altering. There’s nothing easy about it.” — Aly Marie

11. The judgment isn’t helpful.
“Don’t judge. Because your marriage could fall apart, too. When you hear about someone’s divorce, just give them space. Let them talk and don’t say, ‘Well, if I were you…’ Most of the time we just want to share and let our feelings out. Plus, most people have already done a lot of review on why the marriage ended.” — Marcia Pauluk

12. There’s a silver-lining to divorce.
divorce 4

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

12 Things You Don’t Understand About Divorce (Until You Get One)

There’s nothing easy about getting a divorce — and the judgment you encounter from otherwise well-meaning friends and family only makes it worse. The truth is, you don’t really know what it’s like to get a divorce until you’re on the brink of getting one.

To help clear things up, we asked HuffPost Divorce readers and bloggers to share the one thing they wish people understood about ending a marriage. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Divorce isn’t an option until it’s the only option.
“I really wish those ‘I want my first marriage to be my only marriage’ memes would just go away. No one goes into a marriage intending for it to end in divorce. Sometimes you fight like hell and work your tail off to keep your marriage afloat but realize you’re doing it alone. It takes two people to make a marriage and family work but if the other person doesn’t want to be with you, there’s not a whole lot left for you to do. It’s hard to ‘give up’ on your marriage but at some point you realize that there’s more to life and you have to do what’s best for you and the kids in the long run.” — Brittany Lewis

2. A divorce is never really “final.”
divorce 3

3. No two divorces are the same.
“This is because no two people are the same. What this adds up to is an endless combination of ways people choose to heal. Don’t judge, don’t pooh-pooh and don’t minimize the form a person’s grief takes. I was in a very controlling relationship and because of that, some of my friends thought that I would be so relieved to get out of that relationship — or that I would get over it more quickly. The truth is, you can’t really know how a person will respond.” — Lisa Miller

4. A marriage can’t be saved by one spouse alone.
“I was married in the church I grew up in. I said ’till death do us part’ and by the end of my marriage, I was so dead inside, I felt like that should count. I did my best to work through it but I couldn’t save it by myself.” — Angela Robbins

5. You feel every emotion under the sun.
divorce coaster

6. It is possible to divorce like grown-ups.
“It does not have to end with lawyers and catty, hair-splitting BS. You can be mature and fair and split amicably. Honest.” — Jess Nelson

7. Sorry, but your breakup has nothing on a divorce.
“Divorce isn’t like the time you had a really bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend. During my divorce, people would say ‘oh, yeah, I just broke up with my S.O., too.’ Nope. This is 100 times worse. On a soul level, it’s so much harder.” — Katie Shirey

8. Divorce feels a bit like a death in the family.
“I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage.” — Wendy Mooney

9. Divorce isn’t a dirty word.
divorce 1

10. Ending a marriage is never easy.
“Divorce is anything but the ‘easy way out.’ Making the decision to get divorced is life-altering. There’s nothing easy about it.” — Aly Marie

11. The judgment isn’t helpful.
“Don’t judge. Because your marriage could fall apart, too. When you hear about someone’s divorce, just give them space. Let them talk and don’t say, ‘Well, if I were you…’ Most of the time we just want to share and let our feelings out. Plus, most people have already done a lot of review on why the marriage ended.” — Marcia Pauluk

12. There’s a silver-lining to divorce.
divorce 4

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

13 ‘Game Of Thrones’ Questions That Will Keep Us Screaming Until 2016

With season five over, here’s 13 things we need to know going into “Game of Thrones” season six.
News

A Long Time Until Now (Unabridged) – Michael Z. Williamson

Michael Z. Williamson - A Long Time Until Now (Unabridged)  artwork

A Long Time Until Now (Unabridged)

Michael Z. Williamson

Genre: Sci Fi & Fantasy

Price: $ 29.95

Publish Date: June 2, 2015

© ℗ © 2015 Audible Studios

iTunes Store: Top Audiobooks in Sci Fi & Fantasy

Dead Until Dark: Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery #1 (Unabridged) – Charlaine Harris

Charlaine Harris - Dead Until Dark: Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery #1 (Unabridged)  artwork

Dead Until Dark: Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery #1 (Unabridged)

Charlaine Harris

Genre: Sci Fi & Fantasy

Price: $ 20.95

Publish Date: July 24, 2007

© ℗ © 2007 Recorded Books

iTunes Store: Top Audiobooks in Sci Fi & Fantasy

Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead – Dave Barry

Dave Barry - Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead  artwork

Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead

Dave Barry

Genre: Comedy

Price: $ 10.95

Publish Date: January 1, 1985

© ℗ © 1985 Blackstone Audio, Inc.

iTunes Store: Top Audiobooks in Comedy

Commentary: Until I Had Kids, I Never Thought I Could Love Something Almost As Much As Myself

Having a child can be the most transformative experience of a person’s life. You get so used to living your life a certain way—focused solely on your job, your social life, your personal goals—and then, just like that, it all changes. That’s what happened to me last year when my daughter, Jane, was born. Until that moment, I never in a million years thought I could love anything almost as much as myself.

As soon as the nurse put her in my arms, that beautiful baby girl became the second-most important thing in my life. In an instant, I went from caring only about myself to caring about myself and also one other person. All but one of my priorities went right out the window. And that shift was permanent: My daughter has been an additional consideration in my life ever since, and I know in …





The Onion

BBC Youth Network’s Online-Only Move Delayed Until 2016


The BBC Three linear channel was originally scheduled to end later this year.

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International

BBC Youth Network’s Online-Only Move Delayed Until 2016


The BBC Three linear channel was originally scheduled to end later this year.

read more





International

Rapper Lil B — I Won’t Lift Kevin Durant’s Curse … Until He Plays Me In Basketball

Kevin Durant actually has bigger problems than being out indefinitely from the NBA … ’cause rapper Lil B says it’s his “BasedGod” curse that’s dogging Durant … and it won’t be lifted until Kevin sees him on the court. The beef between the two started…

Permalink

TMZ Celebrity News for Music


E! Is Pulling The Plug On ‘Fashion Police’ Until September

LOS ANGELES (AP) — “Fashion Police” is taking a break after losing co-hosts Kelly Osbourne and Kathy Griffin and plans to slip into something new for fall, the E! channel said.

Co-hosts Giuliana Rancic and Brad Goreski and executive producer Melissa Rivers will be back in September with the series, which will “evolve” into its next chapter, E! said in a statement Tuesday.

Previously, E! said the celebrity critique fest would air as scheduled March 30 despite the exits of Osbourne and Griffin.

The hiatus announcement came a day after Griffin went on “The View” and discussed why she chose to quit March 12 after just seven episodes. The comedian, who replaced the late Joan Rivers, her friend and mentor, already had tweeted about leaving because she was uneasy being part of the show.

Griffin told “The View” Monday that the E! series didn’t suit her improvisational style and that she felt forced to “comment about pictures of beautiful women in perfect dresses and say kind of bad things.”

As a feminist and a comic, she said, it didn’t feel right.

Osbourne left the show in late February, after complaining about Rancic’s red-carpet criticism of African-American singer-actress Zendaya’s dreadlocks. Rancic said they suggested the smell of marijuana.

Zendaya went online to slam the remarks as “outrageously offensive” and Rancic later apologized, saying the experience taught her not to perpetuate cliches and stereotypes.

E! did not detail how “Fashion Police” would change or who its new co-hosts will be. The show has faltered since losing the wily, tart-tongued Joan Rivers, Melissa’s mother.

Style – The Huffington Post
FASHION NEWS UPDATE-Visit Shoe Deals Online today for the hottest deals online for shoes!

I Was Ambivalent About Having Kids — Until I Wasn’t

It’s a Saturday morning, and I think I’m pregnant. I go to the bathroom and unwrap a pregnancy test — pH paper inside a plastic stick. I sit on the toilet and awkwardly place the plastic stick under my urine stream.

I set the stick on the edge of the sink and watch my urine slowly move down the paper, saturating it, telling it things about my body that I don’t know. After two minutes, the stick shows my result. One solid pink line, the faintest inkling of a second line just to its left. But, is that a line? Or am I just imagining it? Do I want it to be a line?

I take a picture of the test with my phone and I text it to my sister: “What does this say?”

She calls me immediately. “It says you’re pregnant!” She’s happy and I’m skeptical. It doesn’t feel real. I mean, I just had my IUD removed a month ago. It’s too soon.

My husband is out getting the car’s oil changed. I text him. “Buy pregnancy tests. All different kinds.” He comes home with a new set of tests. I guzzle water and take them all, one at a time. Each test confirms the one before. There is a row of four pee-soaked sticks on the edge of my sink, all with faint second lines.

***

Five years ago, when I was 28 years old, I decided I would never have children, ever. I had been dating a guy for six years, we were living together, and I wanted to get married with the fervor of a woman who feels she has nothing else going for her. I worked at an industrial supply company, had a boyfriend, and getting married appeared to be the only exciting possibility open to me. But my boyfriend didn’t want to have kids. To marry him, I had to know I wasn’t going to have children.

I had always assumed that I would one day have kids, but I assumed this the way I assume that I’ll one day fit into a size six or have a Roth IRA or not find cigarettes delicious — those are future difficulties for future Dana to handle. But now I’m twenty-eight years old and I need to make a choice. I start to experiment with the idea of not having children. I visit child-free websites and purchase books: Life without Children, Baby Not on Board, Child-free and Loving It! And in picturing my life without children I find something. I had been going to work every day, coming home, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, going to bed, waking up, doing it again, pausing only to drink heavily on the weekends. I’ve literally been waiting to get married and have kids to finally give my life some purpose. But now, now, it’s possible that I will never be a mother. And since children aren’t going to give me purpose, I need to find my own. I start taking writing classes, improv classes, going to open mics. I get into grad school. I start a storytelling show. I give birth to myself.

A year after I agree to a child-free existence, my boyfriend still doesn’t want to get married, and I’m like: for fuck’s sake. So I break up with him. A lot of my friends ask, “Does this mean that you want kids now?” I think: who knows? I’m single for the first time in years and, sure, the idea of children being a possibility is nice, but less because I have a throbbing desire to have one and more because I like not having to make the decision. I like that I no longer have to know what I want.

Then I meet my husband. He’s warm and a hundred times more nurturing than me and he wants to have a baby and when I look at him I want that, too. But I also have moments of doubt. I spent such a long time focused on the negatives of having a child. I’ll be physically exhausted during pregnancy, it’ll wreck my body, ruin my boobs, swell up my ankles, tear my vagina, and then when we have the baby it’ll be tethered to me, demanding food every two hours. I won’t be able to sleep or shower and the exhaustion will go down to my bones. And then the baby will grow up and maybe start shoplifting or develop a meth habit or be a whiny person who I don’t like very much. The whole thing seems so dangerous, so likely to result in a bad outcome. And how will I write with a baby? How will I perform? How will I do any of the things that I want to do? What do I, by myself, without the opinion of my partner, want?

I still don’t know. But it’s a Saturday morning and I’m pregnant.

I find it hard to believe at first because I don’t feel any different. But then days go by and I begin to feel a buzz around my edges — every so often there’s a tiny tug on my perception, like I just took some Nyquil and it’s kicking in. I realize that this buzzing is probably a result of the pregnancy. It becomes more real. The women’s restroom at work has private nursing rooms for new mothers. I practice thinking about being a mom. I practice scheduling time in the mother’s nursing room on my Outlook calendar. I’m tired because my energy is being diverted, but I’m also improbably calm. I realize that I, through no conscious effort of my own, am slowly building another person. I feel like I have company everywhere I go. My husband and I compare bellies in the mirror every night. I didn’t think it was possible, but I enjoy being pregnant.

***

It’s a Thursday morning and I have a meeting at work, a typical gathering of people sitting in a room and discussing the intricacies of customer payment patterns, and the meeting turns a little rough. My logic is questioned and my boss publicly notices a spelling error in a memo I wrote. I retreat to the bathroom afterwards with my iPhone so I can sit in a stall, check Facebook, and soothe myself by remembering that nothing at my job really matters. And while in there I see blood. I see a lot of blood.

I put down my phone, retrieve a tampon, clean myself up, and force myself to move air in and out of my lungs because I want to stop breathing. I want to stop my breath so I can stop my mind from telling me what this means. But I do breathe, so my mind slowly registers this new information.

It’s a lot of blood.

Which means it’s a miscarriage.

I’m having a miscarriage.

I have 10 seconds before I start to cry and I need to find place to hide. I’m at work and no one even knows I’m pregnant but now I’m not pregnant, I’m having a miscarriage, but this is a place of business for business people and not a place for miscarriages and the women’s restroom has lots of my co-workers coming and going and they’ll recognize my shoes and they’ll hear me crying in the stall and they’ll ask each other, “Do you know what’s wrong with Dana? Oh — I bet she’s miscarrying.” And I can’t have that — I just can’t have it.

The mother’s nursing room is just around the corner, and it’s open. I stare at it and blink. I run inside and shut the door and sit in that small room with the clock and the fan and the table for the breast pump. I sit in a chair reserved for nursing mothers and I cry the way I bleed — without control, without seeming end. I use my cell phone and call my husband, who can barely understand me. I get it out, tell him we’re not pregnant anymore. He says it’s OK, it’ll be OK, and he loves me. I just cry. I hang up because I’m going to ruin my phone if I keep weeping directly into it. As I cry, part of me is surprised — we are really upset. Yes, we are.

Eventually I calm myself down. I need to go back to my cubicle. But, no, my face is a mess. Bright red, mascara everywhere. I call a trusted co-worker from my cell phone.

“Mary — it’s Dana. I’m in the mother’s nursing room. I need you to come in here and I need you to bring a box of tissues.” And Mary doesn’t even ask, “What?” She just says, “Yes,” hangs up, and runs to me with a box of tissues. She is a mother. I tell her that I’m miscarrying and she looks stricken. She hugs me.

I go home sick. I call the doctor. They say that I’m probably not pregnant anymore, but maybe I am, but probably I’m not, but I should use a maxi pad and not a tampon because my cervix is sensitive. I should come in for a blood test to make sure that I’m definitely not pregnant anymore, because I still could be. Even though I know. I no longer feel that tiny buzz.

I go to the doctor and they draw blood, twice, to compare the results. They tell me that yes, I did miscarry, that it was a chemical pregnancy, which means that I was pregnant, technically, but the embryo wasn’t viable and my body ended the pregnancy. They say that it’s a good thing, because it shows that I can get pregnant. They say that it’s a good thing, because when a pregnancy goes wrong early on, the body does the right thing in ending it. They say that I’ll be extra fertile next time. They notice that I’m crying. They close the office door and hand me a tissue and agree that it’s sad.

***

I keep crying, at random times, every day. My husband tells me it will all be OK and this is a setback, but it will be OK. And in my moments of logic I agree — the body knows best, and if the pregnancy isn’t going to go well, it’s best for the body to end it at the beginning, and we will get pregnant again one day, and I was so unsure that I was even ready for this.

But then there are moments after I’ve exhausted myself with tears, and these moments are so quiet and so visceral that they feel like a higher truth. I had someone, a life, and now I don’t. I feel the difference. It’s hollower. Emptier. Even though it was just cells, barely there. Cells that in past times, times when I was undecided, I would have done anything not to have. But this is different. Because I wanted it.

I didn’t know. I didn’t know how much I wanted children. How much I wanted that child. But now, at least, at the very least, I know.

I know what I want.

This post originally appeared on Empty Sink Publishing.

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